Sandy and Robert had just broken up and it was a mess. They were part of a group of friends that went back fifteen years and the emotional tension was driving a wedge between all of them. They just couldn’t hang out together anymore.

One of the members practices EFT and offered to do some “trigger work” for the whole group. Each person identified what was hurting them most. For Sandy, it was watching Robert be affectionate with others in the group. For Linda, it was the familiar conflict of having to choose between the people she loves, something that went back to her parent’s divorce when she was a child. For Stacy, it was feeling helpless to help. For Robert, it was guilt because he was the one who initiated the breakup.

Each friend clarified what was troubling them and held it in mind while they rated the level of intensity of emotional pain on a 0 to 10 scale, 10 being as emotionally intense as it could be and 0 being no sense of distress at all.

They all sat together focusing on their individual issue and using the EFT procedure, which includes tapping gently on the end points of the major meridians on their face, torso and hands. After three rounds, in about ten minutes, they all stopped and rated their intensity level again. All but one of them had experienced a significant drop in their emotional pain and reported relief from the physical discomfort that accompanies relationship pain. Emotions can cause headaches, nausea, tightness in the face, chest, stomach and throat and a variety of other physical symptoms.

They decided to do several more rounds to see how much better it could get. Several more levels of improvement occurred for each of them. Most of their levels had dropped to a 0 or 1 and a few others were hovering at3 or 4. EFT had treated the invisible perturbations in their individual energy fields that were generating the group tension. This gave significant and rapid relief because they were treating the cause, not just the symptoms.

After the EFT treatments, about 45 minutes, they spontaneously started to discuss how each of them had been affected by the “breakup”. Instead of everyone feeling heavy and stilted, they were all laughing again, joined in the familiar camaraderie that had kept them together for fifteen years.

Our own experience with this invisible “whateveritis” has shown up in our own relationship since the very beginning when we first met. And it has continued to show up in our work with relationships, deepening our own sensitivity to fluctuations in the field.

If you do not have certain distinctions about what actually causes relationships to be the way they are, the way to healing, repairing and evolving relationships can appear impossible or difficult, at best. And without these distinctions many relationship interventions are more like a band aid on a gushing artery.

We’ve worked with families, companies, teams and communities in which there were relationship challenges between two or more people that had a significant negative effect on the entire group. Families have been torn apart, production in companies negatively impacted and communities damaged for lack of understanding how a single unresolved issue between people can affect and damage the whole.

It happens all the time and it doesn’t have to. In our view, this level of relational sophistication and maturity is actually the leading edge for human evolution.

All of our relationships exist in an invisible field of energy that can be calm and stable, in a state of homeostasis. But when there are powerful emotions between two or more people, those emotions, such as anger, sadness, resentment, hurt feelings, etc. ripple out through the field, having an effect on everyone involved. The more people suppress or deny their feelings the crazier the field gets which has an undesirable effect on everyone else involved.

Emotional Tanking

The illustration on the left depicts a phenomenon called “emotional tanking”. Click on illustration to enlarge

The story above is similar to the one we shared in our last post and is typical of what EFT can do. It is a deceptively simple and powerful tool for healing relationship issues of any kind. We use it all the time in our coaching practice and in our relationship with each other.

What most people fail to realize or know how to look for, is the earliest similar incident to what is going on in the present that appears to be causing emotional pain. Nine times out of ten, present time emotional pain has its roots in our childhood and our relationship with our parents and siblings.

It’s just that the present time incident is so overwhelmingly compelling that it really looks like that is the problem, when in fact the present time event “triggered” the  pre-existing, unresolved event from the past. The force and velocity of the feeling is historical. When you deal with the deeper historical level, the current issue loses its steam, as well.

It is one thing to “know about” this as a concept and another thing to “know” it as an opportunity to clear the past with tools designed to heal at the deepest level possible. Once it is cleared and resolved, your own energy field becomes less affected by difficult situations in the present. This allows you to be more resourceful, loving of yourself and others and a more powerful creator of your life and relationships.

EFT is an evolutionary tool that clears unwanted emotions. It isn’t always clear to people that their ability to adapt to accelerated change is directly related to the density of their “pain body”. The pain body holds the unfinished business from the past that often determines your perceptions of the now.

Because of these phenomena we often can’t see new and powerful possibilities in difficult situations. Now is a time for all of us to see clearly “what is” so we can make wise choices for ourselves and the people we love.

© Paul and Layne Cutright

Resources: The Web of Life by Fritjof Capra  and The Field by Lynn McTaggert

Santa Fe Easter

“We are stardust, we are golden, and we’ve got to get ourselves back to the garden.” ~ Joni Mitchell

This is Easter weekend, a time for the celebration of renewal, rebirth and resurrection. This time we call Easter is actually a blend of the secular and religious, deriving as it does from a myriad of cultures dating back to ancient Egypt, Greece, Asia Minor, Syria, Italy and Persia leading up to Judaism and Christianity. 

All of these cultures had central figures of legend who died and were resurrected centuries before the birth of Jesus. Even bunnies and eggs were associated with fertility and new life in Spring by Romans, Persians, Egyptians and Babylonians. Though they were probably not made of chocolate and sold in stores as we do today!

The true meaning of Easter is to be found within your own heart and celebrated in ways that bring you joy in feeling connected to the Universal rhythm of life as resurrection is made plain in newly budding and blooming nature; a nature in which we, as human beings, are as embedded as a fetus in the womb.

It is in this spirit that we share with you a story of the miraculous resurrection of a marriage relationship that was experiencing its own kind of death.

 John & Lisa Heal the Deep Pain of Infidelity in Record Time

When “John” and “Lisa” walked through our door together, it was the first time they had seen each other since his recent affair was revealed. It had been an ongoing affair, but Lisa had just found out only a week ago while John was away on a business trip.

John was in California and Lisa was on the other side of the country. She was going along in her life as usual when she had a strong impression he was having an affair. Without much thought she picked up the phone and heard herself ask him if it was true. He knew he had been caught and though his first impulse was to lie, he confessed instead.

"Oh my god, what have I done?"

Lisa sat there frozen in pain. The collision of feelings left her speechless. Disbelief, hurt, anger, wanting to strike out, fear and dread sent seismic shock waves through her whole body. John was in a panic. He loved his wife and never wanted to hurt her. He thought she would never find out. His mind raced trying to find the right thing to say. He kept running into dead ends. The silence over the phone line was deafening.

“We’ll talk later,” Lisa said and hung up. John heard the click, awash in a sea of his aloneness.

Lisa then called us and said she felt like killing him and asked for an appointment. The arrangements were made and within a week she flew in. John, already in California, drove down the coast, showing up at the same time for their session with us.

It was taking everything they had to appear calm and rational on top of a boiling cauldron of relationship pain. They looked as though their emotions would burst out of control at any moment. She loved him but felt betrayed, angry and hurt. He felt guilty, confused and he didn’t want to confront her anger. It was a very strained situation, to say the least.

Meridian Tapping Techniques

We worked with each of them separately, for about an hour, using a meridian tapping technique to calm and heal their pain. We have been using meridian tapping since the late 1990’s. It is a form of Energy Psychology that uses the invisible meridian lines that are used in Chinese acupuncture. But, the technique is to gently tap on the end points of the major meridian lines with your fingertips. The tapping activates what we call the emotional immune system.

Literally, in a few minutes our clients are restored to emotional balance and wellbeing. They are then free to access the more resourceful parts of their brains and think through problems calmly. They are in a good state of mind where they can be coached to locate the “learning opportunity” in the most difficult of situations and find workable solutions.

Within an hour Lisa had shifted from wanting to punish him and hurt him as badly as she had been hurt, to wanting to take responsibility for her part in the marriage deteriorating to such a place. She wanted to stop feeling victimized.

John’s feelings of guilt were so intense he could sense the part of him that wanted or needed to be punished to get some relief. The meridian tapping helped him work those feelings out and forgive himself enough to stop feeling so defensive and more able to support Lisa through her feelings.

After the individual work, they sat on the couch looking into each other’s eyes. Their energy was now completely different. It wasn’t that the problem had been resolved but they had defused their emotional pain sufficiently so they were able to think clearly. They were able to be in one another’s presence and look at each other without feeling like they were going to pop out of their skin.

They were then ready for us to coach them. There were a lot of questions asked and answered to bring clarity to how the whole thing happened and what they wanted to do about it. This situation had the potential to be a devastating crisis that ended the marriage or be a catalyst for more intimacy and understanding and perhaps an even stronger marriage than before.

After a total of about three hours they left holding hands and gazing softly into one another’s eyes. They had essentially fallen back in love with each other. Now, that’s a lot of territory to cover in three hours. Of course, they had work to do when they got home, but they were able to overcome a huge hurdle in a short period of time. They were able to gain enough perspective to be able to see this as an evolutionary learning opportunity and to embrace it as such.

Feelings of Gratitude

When they left, we talked about how grateful we are to have a tool so powerful that it can produce truly remarkable, some would say miraculous, results in minutes. We have been relationship educators and coaches since 1976 and we have a reputation for being on the leading edge of the latest theories and techniques for working with relationships. Even we were somewhat surprised at what we had just seen happen.

What did we do that allowed John and Lisa to cover so much painful emotional ground in such a short period of time? We used a meridian tapping technique you may have heard of or be familiar with, called Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT). We learned EFT from the man who created it, Gary Craig, and we’ve been using very successfully since about 1997.. We were certified as EFT Masters in January 2006. EFT has transformed our coaching practice and allowed us to serve people all around the world working with them over the phone.

Relationship education and coaching has been a passionate commitment of ours for over 35 years. We are continually on the lookout for easier, more effective tools and methods for helping our clients. EFT is the simplest and most potent tool we have discovered, so far. The kind of miracle we relate here in John and Lisa’s story has become common place in our work with others.

EFT is easy to learn in a relatively short period of time and can become a life-long skill that you can use for releasing fears and phobias, dissolving anxiety, overcoming self-sabotage, fear of meeting new people, public speaking, insomnia and so much more.

If you have followed our blog for any length of time, you may recall our sharing about the incredible challenges we have faced in the months since Paul’s emergency open heart surgery last summer. We can tell you right now that the physical and emotional pain we have gone through individually and in our relationship was significantly mitigated by our regular (often daily) use of EFT, both with each other and alone.

In this time of great transition and uncertainty in which much of what we hold dear seems to be being stripped away, we need powerful tools that can help us navigate the unknown as we are being reborn into a new life in which it is safe to love, to trust and to embrace the unknown as the very crucible of our own resurrection into new life.

“We are stardust, billion year old carbon, we are golden, caught in the devil’s bargain and we’ve got to get ourselves back to the garden.” ~ Joni Mitchell

Easter Bunnies with Easter Eggs

 
© 2012 Paul & Layne Cutright

Emerging from the Dark

Have you ever had the feeling of being hungry, but you don’t know what you want? Maybe you open the cupboard or the refrigerator and look at what’s on the shelves, hoping to see something and say, “That’s it, I’ll have that!” But, you don’t find anything you really want to eat.

That’s how I have been about writing this blog post. I am hungry to communicate with you and let you know what’s been going on, yet I hardly know where to begin. Each time over the last several weeks that I have started something, I end up deleting it with the judgment that it’s just too trite or pedestrian for you to bother reading.

As unusual as this feeling is for me, I think I know where it comes from. I feel a sense of being inwardly pushed to be more revealing and vulnerable with you than I usually am in writing. Somehow, what I want to say would be easier to communicate in person, in a group, much like we used to do in our seminars and trainings. Then we could look into and through the eyes of love and my authentic vulnerability charged the room with a kind of grace. Telling the whole truth about fears and feelings joined us through  the heart in our common humanity.

To set a little context for what I am about to share, let me say this up front. This year has been perhaps the most difficult year of our lives. Actually, it’s been going on for a couple of years.

Have you noticed that it is rare to hear teachers of higher consciousness, supposedly enlightened
individuals or modern wisdom givers, talk much about their current or very recent hard times? They
may talk about hard times at some distance in the past, after they have learned and integrated the
lessons and they’re back to being enlightened again. But, you don’t hear or read much from a closer
perspective when things are not yet so clear or when things are still in a state of unsettled chaos.

And that’swhat I want to write about now because that’s where we are. And we have been here
for longer than any previous period like this. I think that’s why it has been so difficult to get to
writing about this, because it is still so close and fresh for us.

So, life has been about acceptance of what’s happening in the moment to what has seemed like
an onslaught of one catastrophe after another, and before we can even catch our breath we find
another anvil falling from the sky! It’s been about being as present as possible to the feelings our
situation has brought up and using all the tools at our disposal for dealing with the ongoing stress
of uncertainty and the accompanying doubt and fear.

Our last posts back in July, August and September have been about my emergency open heart
surgery and early recovery period (http://bit.ly/open-heart-surgery). Thankfully, according to my
surgeon, my physical recovery proceeded ahead of schedule. Having had nothing to compare it to,
it still seemed to be taking entirely too long to suit me!

I was having to listen to my body much more than I was accustomed, causing me to confront my
habitual impatience and push to be productive and get on to the next thing. In the process of
confronting things about myself that had been pretty invisible to me (but not to Layne, of course!),
what emerged was an unexpected level of healing.

As my physical healing progressed and I could tell I was getting better, e.g., being off oxygen and
going for long walks. My stamina and strength was returning. But then I entered an unexpectedly
deep level of depression that caused me to question everything about my life, including why I had
survived in the first place.

Depression and thoughts that death would be a welcome relief startled me into the reality of my
depression and plunged me into deep self-reflection.  Yet, there was no sense in denying the truth
with positive thinking or affirmations. If I did not confront and accept the reality of my depression,
I ran the risk of driving it underground and making it worse through denial.

I noticed how the feelings would come and go, rising and falling in intensity, like large swells on the
ocean.  I became reclusive and did not respond to messages from friends for weeks as I burrowed
deeper into my dark silence.

Another thing that was happening, and still is, was a heightened emotionality. Since I have been on
a path of emotional healing for the last 35 years I have learned to know, respect and express my
feelings. But, this has been something of a different order. I can hear a song, watch scenes of love
and tenderness or violence in a movie or TV show and find myself crying or even sobbing deeply,
way out of proportion to the triggering stimulus.

And over the course of the last few months both Layne and I are aware of deep, personal inner
changes that we are still trying to make sense of. Things have changed, continue to change and so
are we. We have a sense that our work will be changing as a result of our experiences the last couple
of years.

Of all the spiritual studies in which we have engaged, the teaching that has always sustained us
through challenging times of chaos and uncertainty is A Course in Miracles, in particular the lessons
in the Workbook. A Course in Miracles is all about making the shift from ego identification to
identifying yourself as your Soul.

The ego is grounded in fear and is subject to all the conditions and circumstances I have been
talking about here. If we believe that is our reality, our only reality, then we are stuck in those
conditions.

When we can identify with our Soul, however, then a vast space of peace and calm can open up
for us. We believe what we have been going through (and so many others are also going through,
perhaps even you) has much less to do with processing the effects of our negative, limited ego
mind than it does with a Soul transition. I am certain beyond the shadow of a doubt that my
heart failure and three near death experiences (all on the same day) had to do with my Soul’s
influence over my life.

A Course in Miracles is a radical teaching that can be, and usually is, ego shattering. But, it also
can put you in direct contact with your own Soul or Higher Self. So, being forewarned, below are
the first dozen lessons that have been particularly apropos for us. Perhaps you will find them
helpful, as well.

For example, Lesson 1 says, “Nothing I see in this room (on this street, from this window,
in this place) means anything.”

Lesson 2 – “I have given everything I see in this room (on this street, from this window,
in this place) all the meaning it has for me.”

Lesson 3 – “I do not understand anything I see in this room (on this street, from this
window, in this place).”

Lesson 4 – “These thoughts do not mean anything. They are like the things I see in this
room (on this street, from this window, in this place).”

Lesson 5 – “I am never upset for the reason I think.”

Lesson 6 – “I am upset because I see something that is not there.”

Lesson 7 – “I see only the past.”

Lesson 8 – “My mind is preoccupied with past thoughts.”

Lesson 9 – “I see nothing as it is now.”

Lesson 10 – “My thoughts do not mean anything.”

Lesson 11 – “My meaningless thoughts are showing me a meaningless world.”

Lesson 12 – “I am upset because I see a meaningless world.”

Lesson 13 – “A meaningless world engenders fear.”

Lesson 14 – “God did not make a meaningless world.”

A Course in Miracles also teaches that only Love is real and fear is an illusion. The one unchanging
constant through all of this has been and continues to be our love for each other. That is what has
always sustained us through any kind of trial or difficulty. That and the consciousness tools we
have learned and teach.

We will continue to share with you as these changes unfold. And, as always, we welcome your
comments and thoughts.

As this year draws to a close we are being presented with a wonderful opportunity. On January 1, 2012
we are catching a plane for Europe! We have been engaged by some clients to work with their entire
family of five in a six-day Private Intensive Retreat.
(http://paulandlayne.com/coaching-programs/exclusive-private-intensives)

We’ll be in Munich, Germany for about a week serving these courageous souls then we will fly to Turin,
Italy for a visit to the Federation of Damanhur, a conscious, eco-society and spiritual community that
has been in existence there for 30 years. (http://www.damanhur.org/)

In fact, Layne applied for and was accepted into a three month “temporary citizenship” program they
began last year. I will be with her for the first week or so to help her get settled, then I will return to
Santa Fe.

This is a HUGE change on many levels and portends wonderful new opportunities and
directions for our life. For one thing, we have never been apart for more than a week at a time
for the last 35 years! We don’t want to speculate too much right now about what those
opportunities and directions might be, but we will definitely keep you posted with more regular
blog posts, photos and possibly videos in the months ahead.

In the meantime, please know how much we appreciate you reading this and being a part of our
lives through this virtual connection. Your thoughts of love, healing and prayers are meaningful
to us beyond words.

We are wishing you and all those whom you love a most blessed holiday!

Click Here to download PDF of illustration

“The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge.”
Daniel J. Boorstin, PhD – Author, Historian, Attorney

Unlike learning to drive a car, which you were not born knowing how to do, relationship success seems like it should just come naturally. After all, you were born into relationship and were raised in relationships. You’ve been in relationships of one kind or another your entire life. What could be more natural?

Unfortunately, what comes naturally to many people is not always the wisest choice. For most of us our relationships school was watching how the grownups did it. We modeled our parents for good or ill and our childhood modeling is a force to be reckoned with if we choose to learn to consciously create our own version of happily ever after.

Some of you may not know we still have a private practice. We’ve had a private practice for 30 years and it’s still one of the most satisfying parts of our professional life together. We work with young couples just starting out in life who want to learn what it takes to create a fulfilling relationship. And we work with couples in trouble who have tried everything, and yet the same old problems keep recycling themselves with slight variations.

John and Alice got married right out of college almost twenty years ago. When they came to us Alice was in her early forties and John a few years older. They had three children, two still at home and the oldest was leaving for college.

When they contacted us for help they complained that the romance and feeling connected had long since gone out of their marriage. They had been to a couple of therapists which hadn’t worked out as well as they had hoped. “All we did was keep talking about the same stuff over and over again. And it never really went anywhere.” They had gotten just enough insight to move from the “ignorance is bliss stage” to the “Yikes! I’m not very good at this stage.”

The four stages of learning apply to creating relationships, just as they do to learning to be consistently good at just about anything.

John and Alice were stuck between stages one and two, Unconscious Incompetence and Conscious Incompetence. They would get a burst of enthusiasm to “improve their relationship” and then after they started practicing some new things they would feel frustrated and lose interest, or so it seemed.

What was actually causing the frustration was an unacknowledged judgment that they “shouldn’t” have to be learning at all – they should already know how to do it “right.” They loved each other – why was there any problem?

It’s a mindset they had absorbed from their culture without noticing, and it was getting in the way of being deeply honest with themselves and declaring themselves “beginners” at relationships.

Once they moved beyond that prideful place and allowed themselves to become learners with a beginner’s mind, they felt freer to make mistakes in their practice and then learn from those mistakes. That’s what happens in stage two; you make mistakes because you are growing beyond your comfort zone. You are supposed to make mistakes in stage two. If you aren’t making mistakes you aren’t doing it right.

They developed a new patience with one another and stopped judging themselves for not being as far along as they thought they “should” be. It was a tender moment that day they stopped judging their relationship and decided to love it AND help one another learn.

They decided to make it an adventure rather then something to get through. They had a new determination to practice their new skills regularly and find some new ways of solving old problems.

Pretty soon after that, the silent resignation they had been living with disappeared and they were “lit up from the inside,” as they put it. Of course, it was deeply gratifying for us to watch them let their love for one another take them down a new path of invigorating discovery.

They were actually having a good time with it. Their sessions with us were filled with a new and refreshing good natured humor, the kind that comes from not taking things too seriously. We all laughed a lot and they grew to stage three – Conscious Competence.

The spark of romance was back. The energy of discovery and fun was doing its magic and a renewed vitality was becoming the norm.

And so, they all lived happily ever after, right? You bet, as a matter of fact! Even while the ink was still drying as they kept applying their new skills to rewriting the old script.

There aren’t enough stories of what happily ever after really looks like. We all grew up thinking our love was supposed to be enough. But truly great relationships in these busy and demanding times require extraordinary means.

Essentially, what we really helped John and Alice to do was to create a new future on a path different from the one they had been on their entire lives. They hadn’t known they could do that . . . and then they learned.

Questions to ponder for comment: 

1. What was new for you in this post?
2. What was validated for you in this post?
3. How can you use what you learned in this post?
4. Do you have any questions about this post?

If you are anything like we are, you may have the feeling that the world is moving faster and faster. It may feel like more is being required of you than you than ever before. Perhaps you feel challenged in your capacity to pay attention to what is going on in front of you.

In this kind of dynamic, patience and simple kindness are often in short supply as we find ourselves speaking to and treating others, especially those we love most, in ways we don’t really intend.

We share with you here a short, profound little film (5:31) that touched us deeply. We believe, we hope, it will touch your heart, as well. It is entitled What Is That? by Constantin Pilavios. It reminded us of one of the most poetic passages in the Bible from which we took the title for this post. We have included the entire verse below the film.

See what kinds of thoughts and feelings it elicits in you. We would love to read your comments.

What Is That? by Constantin Pilavios

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

“Love never fails. . . And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

1 Corinthians 13:1-8 and 13

We want to share a thought provoking piece by our friend and colleague, author and teacher Raphael Cushnir.

This article was originally published in the Detroit Free Press, as well as Psychology Today and the Huffington Post.

Please enjoy . . .

Our Economic Crisis Is an Emotional Problem

A provocative documentary made in 2003 asked the question, if a corporation were an actual person, not just accorded the legal rights of one, what kind of person would it be? The answer, based on the maniacal corporate pursuit of quarterly profits at the expense of all other values, was a sociopath.

At such a crucial time in our nation’s history, it seems relevant to ask a similar question. If America were a person, with its recent cycles of destructive boom and bust, and its almost slavish dependence upon consumption, what kind of person would the country be? The answer, inescapably, is an addict.

The key feature of an addict is emotional denial. An addict enlists substances and activities to help mask and suppress emotions festering within. When no such emotions are festering within, people don’t become, or remain, addicted.

While it’s tempting to argue about what we’re nationally addicted to – money, oil, perhaps entertainment – the more important pursuit is identifying which resisted emotions are at the source of our disease. Not only will this help us understand how we got into our current mess, but it’s also essential if we’re ever going to get out of it.

The first obvious culprit is envy. Americans have a hard time watching others prosper while life seems to pass them by. When everyone else was trading up for a bigger house, or flipping second and third homes, many people found it impossible to refuse the too-good-to-be-true mortgages that were dangled before them. Only if one’s envy isn’t intolerable is it possible to say, “No, thank you, I like the house I’m living in just fine.”

The second culprit, related to the first, is entitlement. Most Americans don’t merely believe in the dream of prosperity for all, they also consider themselves entitled to it. It doesn’t much matter than most of the world lives on less than five dollars a day. It also doesn’t matter that most of us are only Americans by luck of birth. We want what we want, when we want it, and we’re firm in the conviction that we’ve each got it coming to us.

When it does come, we have no problem feeling entitled. But when it doesn’t, the disparity between what we want and what we have makes our entitlement feel like a slap in the face. The sting of that slap takes the form of the third culprit – deprivation. Feeling deprived fuels the motivation to reach beyond our means, and to ignore all the possible consequences of doing so.

What about plain old greed? It could go on the list, but the urge for more, more, more seems universal rather than specifically American. While greed may have been a big factor in the creation of shiny new financial instruments like mortgage backed securities and credit default swaps, it doesn’t appear to be the driving force behind most of those Americans now saddled with “underwater” houses and mountains of credit card debt. Of course envy, entitlement and deprivation are also universal, yet together they form a trident that’s as American as a home makeover.

So what if we hadn’t been engaged in our collective denial of these three emotions? What might’ve been different? For starters, we would have been able to feel their actual sensations in our physical bodies, which is where all emotions arise. Next, since felt emotions dissipate quickly, we would have been cleansed of their pain and left with a greater sense of well being, along with a brain re-set for peak performance. Finally, with the insight and vision that are natural by-products of a high functioning brain, we would have easily seen right through the housing bubble early on, and popped it intentionally, rather than engorging it for years until it inevitably collapsed all over us.

The latest neuro-scientific research confirms that feeling our emotions directly, rather than repressing them with addictions or compulsions, is precisely what leads to optimal thinking. And we need to do that feeling first, before trying to solve our problems with reason, despite an entrenched cultural bias that pits the supreme virtue of rationality against all those messy, primitive, infantile emotional urges.

In other words, a little “touchy feely” goes a long way.

Which naturally leads us to wonder what emotions we need to be feeling right now, in order to end the financial nightmare that’s terrorizing millions. Tops on that list, not surprisingly, is terror. When F.D.R said “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” he didn’t mean not to feel it. He meant that we should refrain from acting it out in the form of rash decisions, a rare form of wisdom that is only possible after fear has been fully felt.

Another emotion just waiting for our attention and receptivity is despair. Many of us beat ourselves up for experiencing despair, even though like most emotions it arises unbidden, completely on its own. We’re often admonished that we can’t afford to despair, and instead must cling to hope at all costs.

This advice is terrible. It presumes that one emotion is the enemy of another, when all emotions want the same thing – simply to be felt. In fact, the fastest road to hope runs right through despair, or any other emotion we’re currently feeling. Hope, just like insight and vision, is the natural outcome of a body with no emotional backlog.

Finally, there’s grief. For all we’ve lost and may yet still lose. Unfelt grief turns to bitterness, rage, and most of all depression. In the process it saps the very energy we need to surmount our daunting obstacles.

To heal our national addiction in time, before the American dream becomes quaint nostalgia, we’ll need to welcome fear, despair and grief with the same vehemence we brought to our previous denial of envy, entitlement, and deprivation.

Those emotions won’t feel good, but they won’t last long either. In their wake, along with hope, will reemerge the can-do spirit that marks our country at its healthiest. So join with me, my fellow Americans, or tarry at your peril. If you truly want to stave off foreclosure, get your emotional house in order.

(c) Raphael Cushnir 2009 – LivingtheQuestions.org

Raphael’s latest book is entitled, The One Thing Holding You Back – Unleashing the Power of Emotional Connection

This short video of author, scientist and consciousness researcher Gregg Braden sheds light on how we can apply ancient teachings to rise above and move beyond fear and anxiety and take control of our own future and destiny.

The Union of Thought and Emotion with Gregg Braden

San Francisco Dawn

San Francisco Rain and Fog

San Francisco Dusk

Paul’s Photos

We were in San Francisco a couple of weeks ago for a conference at the Stanford Court Hotel, where we stayed. The Stanford Court has a long history and is just down the hill on California St. from the Mark Hopkins and the Fairmont Hotels on Nob Hill.

Our room, a corner room facing northeast on California and Mason Streets, had a fabulous view of the city and the bay with cable cars clanging up and down California and Mason. The three photos above were taken from our east facing window of the financial district at dawn, dusk and rain and fog.

The last time we were in San Francisco was 2000 for our 20th anniversary. We met and fell in love and began our relationship and our careers in San Francisco. Layne grew up in Marin County just across the Golden Gate and Paul lived in the city for many years and went to art school there. So, this was a wonderfully nostalgic visit for us and we promised not to let another nine years go by before we return!

The event we were there for was Brenden Burchard’s Corporate Sponsorship Seminar which delivered as promised. There were about 400 people in attendance and we met people we have only known through our online connections. It’s great to meet in person people you have had a relationship with for years!

It was like Spring in Marin with daffodils and tulip trees blooming all over the place! We stayed a couple of days in Mill Valley, where we also used to live, and thoroughly enjoyed being back in our old stomping ground.

One of the things that Brendan talked about was “reinventing the possible”, which is a great phrase for opening new possibilities. The very brief video below is not exactly about reinventing the possible, but it is certainly about “reimagining” what’s possible.

Speaking of “reimagining the possible” we invite you to consider joining us for our Beyond Fear EFT Group Coaching Program starting Tuesday March 10 for four sessions of breakthroughs to new possibilities in your own life and relationships.

Check it out here – Beyond Fear EFT Group Coaching Program

We met the characters featured in this video a summer or two ago when they were in Santa Fe. We hope you enjoy what you are about to see and that it opens new possibilities for you and your relationships!

A Quiet Moment

We recently received this e-mail from Esther Wright commenting on the Relationship Savvy Pledge, so we thought we would share it with you here for Valentine’s Day.

“This is possibly the most powerful and beneficial info on relationships that I have come across in my 35+ years of personal and spiritual development. Thank you so much for sharing it.” ~ Esther Wright – Portland, OR

• I joyfully accept responsibility for the quality of my relationships.

• I will create a life that I love, knowing it is the healthiest foundation from which to build a truly great romantic relationship.

• I will use every encounter to learn about myself, so that I may use this knowledge to become more of the person I want to be and live the life I want.

• I will seek to know myself so that I can be true to myself in all ways. I will be self reflective and take care to observe my self-talk and the beliefs that foster it.

• I will do my inner work so I may consciously create the relationships I want.

• I will create a network of support that nurtures and encourages me.

• I will refine my communication so that I may be authentic. I will endeavor to be open-minded and open hearted. I will treat others with caring and respect.

• I will seek to leave people feeling better about themselves than before they met me.

• I will open myself to love and intimacy.

• I will resolve emotional issues from the past. I will transform disappointments and setbacks into growth opportunities that propel me toward my desired future.

• I will be discerning about others’ character and choose to relate with people who are both good to me and good for me.

• I will make a rigorous assessment of my strengths so I may appreciate what I have to bring to relationships with others.

• I will determine compatibility before I open myself to sexual intimacy.

• I will participate in life as fully as I can – strengthening my self esteem and refusing to hold myself back. I will reach out for what I want.

• I am committed to life long learning and I will enthusiastically learn how to create and maintain the kind of relationships I truly want.

• I will let go of what doesn’t work in my life.

Please feel free to download a PDF of the Relationship Savvy Pledge as our Valentine’s Day gift for you. Click Here to download as a PDF.

Life can be confusing and difficult at times. Finding peace during challenging times is a choice, not always easy, but a choice none the less. Let us all choose peace today.

In commemoration of this seventh anniversary of 9/11 we offer this movie entitled Peace Today by Faith Rivera

Lahaina, Maui Sunset

We just returned from two weeks in Maui for a lot of vacation and a little work. We spent the first week in a condo on the beach in Kihei with excursions for scuba diving and snorkeling. We used to live in Hawaii on Oahu which is where we really came into our own with our work back in the late ’70′s and early ’80′s.

We’ve been back to visit friends and bask in the healing energy that is Hawaii many time!

This time we went to teach at a small and exclusive retreat in a friend’s private home in Kapalua high above the blue Pacific with a 180 degree view of the islands of Molokai and Lanai. We were with a select group of about 20 participants with whom we were privileged to share some of our secrets about relationship success.

We were all pampered with catered meals, beach barbecues and a morning sailing and snorkeling adventure. We set sail on a beautiful 50′ sloop called Scotch Mist. We saw dolphins and green sea turtles playing in the placid blue glass-like sea. Plus, we staid at the fabulous Ritz-Carlton Kapalua!

Tattooed Young Salt

 We also visited a friend we’ve known as long as we’ve been together who now lives in Hana. Hana is said to be the last place in the islands that retains the culture and practices of old Hawaii. Hana is at the end of a 50+ mile narrow, hairpin road with over 50 one lane bridges along the way, studded with waterfalls, flowering trees and bamboo forests. It’s truly like slowly going back in time to another world.

Bamboo Forest in the Rain

Our friend, Roger, lives in an old Hawaiian plantation style home set back off the beach about 100 yards. We spent two glorious days with Roger showing us around and taking us to secret pools where we swam, lava tube caves and tropical waterfalls. Without realizing it, the place we made reservations in Hana was the exact same place we held our very first Intensive Personal Evolution Program retreat in 1978, thirty years ago!

Roger's Home in Hana

Hamoa Beach in Hana

Hana Coast

Hana Waterfall

After living in the high desert of Santa Fe for the last four years it was delicious being cradled and nurtured in the warm, soft, fragrant (and very moist) air of Hawaii once again.

We will be returning to the islands to what Peter Caddy, co-founder of Findhorne in Scotland, called the “heart of the Mother”. It certainly is that for us.

Still, we were glad to get home to the brilliant skies of Santa Fe. There is an unusual connection between Hawaii and Santa Fe. We felt it the first time we came to Santa Fe in 1983 when we moved here the first time from Hawaii. We meet people in Santa Fe all the time who have some connection with Hawaii and we met someone in the dive shop on Maui who had just moved there from Santa Fe a couple of weeks before.

What’s Next – Matrix Energetics

Now we leave again for a week of training in Matrix Energetics in Denver. I (Paul) took Matrix Levels 1 & 2 in LA the beginning of June and have been using it with friends and clients with truly amazing results since. Now, Layne and I and her sister, Ariane, will be doing Levels 1, 2 & 3 the first week of August. We’re excited to see what happens next!

We have been practicing a variety of forms of energy psychology for twenty years. Matrix is the first thing we have come across that seems to go beyond anything we have experienced up until now.

 Aloha nui loa

Paul’s Photos

Yellow Hibiscus

Layne and Paul’s Wedding Day – April 20, 1980

We celebrated our 28th wedding anniversary a week ago Sunday, on April 20. We were married at the Walker Estate on Oahu on what turned out to be a beautiful day. It had rained earlier and we feared it might not stop or the ground might not dry in time. But, everything turned out perfectly.

Our photographer spied us when we slipped away from the festivities to have a moment alone to connect and breathe in what we had just done, promise to be there for each other from here on out. Our purpose has always been to bring out the best in each other. We have also attempted to live by a definition of love we learned from Stewart Emery. Stewart was the first trainer for EST after Werner Erhard and the founder of Actualizations, a training in the Bay Area in the ’70′s. Steward was Layne’s trainer in EST in 1972 and we were both in his Actualizations Training.

Anyway, Stewart defined true love as a love that is more intent on the object of your love realizing their full potential, regardless of the consequences to you, the lover. I’m paraphrasing here, but that is the essence of his thought.

We both forgot our anniversary was coming until our dear friends called and asked us what we were going to do! Since that was the weekend we were scheduled to have the tree people come plant large trees in our yard, we decided what we were doing was giving each other a forest for our anniversary!

We now have a new 12 foot Ponderosa Pine in our south yard, making three – and a few new pinons, as well. And we realized a few days afterward, as we were enjoying the new foliage, we have now been together longer than we have been apart. That is both a sobering and a comforting thought.

Boulders in the Arizona Desert

In my post last week I indicated, somewhat mysteriously, that we were leaving to drive to Scottsdale to present at an exclusive private retreat, but we couldn’t tell you anything about it.

Well, we still can’t say anything about it!! We would love to tell you — but, we’re sworn to absolute secrecy, still.

What not many people know about us is that we serve, often behind the scenes, with celebrity figures who prefer to keep their identities and their affairs private. This happens to be a similar instance.

What we can let you know is that we were among a stellar group of people whom it was our privilege to coach for a day. We facilitated Heart to Heart Talks (which we teach in our new teletraining series Straight From the Heart).

We were once again thrilled at the miracle power of speaking the truth, straight from the heart. To initiate people into this transformative practice is one of the most rewarding parts of our life. To witness this simple, powerful tool healing hearts and opening minds is inspiring beyond words.

We were with these people in a beautiful Arizona desert setting called The Boulders. The Boulders is an exclusive residential resort that also features the Golden Door Spa which we enjoyed immensely! It was a magical trip for us in which we felt nourished by natural splendors and the beauty of the human spirit.

We are passionate about the commitment we live in to help transform the way the world relates — and sometimes we work too much! This was one of those instances in which we both worked hard and felt energized and uplifted by the entire experience. Our work is challenging and even after 32 years, we still love it with our whole hearts.

The picture above was taken at The Boulders.

The video below is taken from a presentation we gave that included this piece on the Five Stages of Relationships. Many people have told us that learning these distinctions has been a transformational revelation for them and their relationships.

We hope you enjoy it. Let us know what you think . . .

This talk by brain scientist Jill Bolte Taylor is amazing, inspiring and enlightening. If you haven’t seen this yet, it’s well worth the 20 minutes to watch. She describes in the most passionate, beautiful and poetic terms the process of observing herself have a stroke from which it took her eight years to recover.

Also, this is from a site called TED which is filled with videos of presentations given by thought leaders from many different fields. And it’s all free! This is a site well worth bookmarking and visiting frequently.

Enjoy and let us know what you think . . .

Pink Me - Orchid

This was shot at an orchid farm in Carlsbad, CA. The beauty of this place and the variety of orchids there is astounding. How can one look upon such exotic beauty and not be in awe of the profound mystery of creation?

Paul’s Photos

People yearn for relationships they can trust. They want to be able to depend on people. At the deepest level, they want relationships characterized by ease, clarity and harmonious cooperation.


The hallmark of an enlightened partnership is intentional design. Great relationships don’t just happen, mediocre ones do. If you are like most people, you yearn for relationships you can trust. You want to be able to depend on people. You want relationships characterized by ease, clarity and harmonious cooperation. The good news is it is easier than you think. With a little bit of education and skill you can design relationships that foster trust through clarity and agreement.

Clarifying the purpose of your relationship and crafting agreements is a foundational part of the design process for generating trust. The conversations you will have will illuminate what is truly important to each person. This knowledge is essential in creating relationships that work well over the long term.

If you create agreements that reflect the authentic motivation of each person and you plan for predictable breakdowns in a way that fosters accountability you can relax into a new certainty and trust in your most important relationships.

When the Portal Opens

For just a few days of the year when the sun sets it shines through our leaded glass bay window casting this lovely image on the adobe wall.

Paul’s Photos

The evolutionary edge for humanity is sharing power. As a species we are gradually moving from using our power in self-centered adversarial ways to sharing our collective power for the mutual benefit of everyone concerned. We are shifting form a paradigm characterized by me or them to me and them paradigm. We are just beginning to tap into the power of co-creation.

It’s going to take more than good intentions for us to pull this one off. We are all going to have to learn to think differently, make new distinctions and include new practices in our business-as-usual routines.

We offer you the 5 C’s of co-creation to help you create a map for your exploration of this new and uncharted territory.

The 5 C’s are commitment, communication, cooperation, collaboration and coordination. If you are intending to create a future with one or more people it’s a good idea to deep the 5 C’s in mind and to check in with one another periodically to see if you are taking them into consideration as you progress.

COMMITMENT – Setting your intention. What are we all committed to? Can we all state it succinctly? Does the commitment generate enthusiasm? Does it live in our everyday conversations with one another in some way? Are there any obstacles to honoring the commitment to our fullest ability? How are we dealing with those obstacles? Are we all committed to doing what is in our power to do, to have the co-creative endeavor succeed for everyone concerned?

COMMUNICATION – Creating the environment. As human beings our relationships live in language. What we talk about and how we talk about it determines the emotional climate of our relationships. Is our communication style fostering safety and creativity? Are we communicating readily, honestly, and openly? Are there things we are afraid to discuss that need to be discussed? Are there unspoken emotional undercurrents distracting our attention? Are there any recurrent communication breakdowns and is there a strategy in place so they can be avoided in the future? Does our communication include acknowledgment and gratitude? Are people making requests in order to take care of their own needs and wants? Are we giving effective feedback so we can improve as we go? Are we communicating our unified purpose to others in inspiring and enthusiastic ways?

COOPERATION – The necessary attitude. Are we cooperating? Is our cooperation motivated by an inner passion or is it being forced by fear and the need to go with the flow of others intentions? Are we able to find a common path through adversity or is it every man for him self when the going gets tough? Are there any competing egos vying for the spotlight at the expense of others? Are we clear on the benefits of cooperation in this creative endeavor? What is at risk if we don’t cooperate?

COLLLABORATION – Synergizing ideas. Is there an attitude that everyone’s ideas are vital to the whole? Are we able to express our ideas freely without fear of judgment or ridicule? As a group, are we asking BIG questions that bring forth the talent of everyone involved and excite our creative impulses? Are we able to engage in possibility thinking, not limited by the past or what has been? Are we skillful in bringing out the best in each other? Is the system in which we are working set up to receive the avalanche of creativity
we can generate?

COORDINATION – Synchronizing action. What’s the plan? How are we coordinating our actions in effective and harmonious ways? Do we all have an overview of how all the different parts are working together? Are we clear on individual areas of responsibility and accountability? What are the consequences, if any, for failure to perform? How does time play into to it? Do we have established lines of communication? How often do we need to reevaluate the plan? How often and in what form (phone, meetings, e-mail) do we need to communicate in order to coordinate effectively?

We all play a vital part in the emerging paradigm of co-creation. Discovering our unique contribution is part of the adventure. We hope that using the 5 C’s will help you better play your part in fulfilling the promise of humanity’s evolutionary potential.

We have found it very helpful to use written agreements that clarify the foundation of the co-creative relationship. These are the ones we like to use and we offer them for your consideration.

Co-Creator Agreements

1. I agree to bring my passion and talent to our collective endeavor.

2. I agree to speak the truth with compassion.

3. I agree to listen deeply and respectfully to others.

4. I agree to be responsible for my own needs, wants and sense of being valued.

5. I agree to acknowledge others generously.

6. I will readily use our predetermined protocol for resolving upsets in a way that fosters  personal responsibility and collective harmony.

7. I agree to use mistakes constructively and practice forgiveness when called for.

8. I will strive to maintain trust and affinity and restore them if they are damaged.

9. I agree to turn my complaints into requests and communicate constructively to the person who can do something about it.

10. I will refrain from negative gossip.

11. I agree to manage my agreements with others in responsible and courteous ways.

12. I agree to encourage and be encouraged in bringing out our individual genius.

13. I agree to nurture a soulful connection with my fellow co-creators.

What do you think about these agreements? Do they seem realistic to you? What do you think would happen if you recommended using these to your family, work group or any other group of people with whom you spend any amount of time?  How could you implement these agreements in your relationships? Who would you have to be to bring up the subject?

Let us know what you think . . .

Chloe's Aura

Chloe letting her aura show. She doesn’t do this very often and it’s very special when she does.

Paul’s Photos