We have certainly experienced a tremendous amount of love and support since Paul’s “heart episode” last month. Most of it has come in the form of e-mails, cards and phone calls. Some of it by local friends chaufferring Paul to various medical appointments.  And some of it even in the form of unexpected material assistance from tequila to checks! (The tequila was actually prescribed by Paul’s surgeon.)

Learning to ask for help has been a life-long process for both of us. We like to think we are better at it now, although there was not as much asking on our part recently as there was simply the spontaneous generosity of giving by people who love and care about us. We learned how much of a gift it can be to others to ALLOW them to give of themselves out of their own areas of abundance.

Below is a piece by Steve Goodier about giving and receiving help that seemed relevent. We hope you enjoy it.

Some people never need help. One man caught his foot in railroad tracks. He tried to pull it out, but his efforts only seemed to make matters worse.

He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. In a panic he prayed, “Dear God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I’ll stop my heavy drinking and smoking!”

Nothing happened. He was still stuck, and the train showed no sign of slowing.

So he prayed again, “Oh, Lord, please get my foot out and I’ll stop drinking and smoking and carousing and cussing!”

Still nothing. He tugged and pulled as the train bore down. In sheer desperation, he pled for help a final time. “Lord, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I’ll do anything! I’ll … I’ll … I’ll become a minister!

Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he got up and dusted himself off as the train whizzed by. Then he looked toward Heaven and said, “Never, mind, Lord, I got it out myself.”

Some people seemingly never need help from anyone. They rarely call on friends or even family to lend a hand. They seldom, if ever, confide in a good listener. They seem to believe they should be completely self sufficient; that needing assistance is an unwelcome weakness.

But others find great value in occasionally asking for assistance, and in offering it, too. Needing help, even once in a while, reminds them that they were not meant to journey this life alone. It is a group outing, not a private experience.

Those who find help when they need it are fortunate. But those who give help generously are the most fortunate of all. Few experiences can produce a sense of joy and satisfaction like that of truly easing the burden of another human being, with no thought of return. Fact is… when we help someone else, we can hardly help but be happy. At those magical times we may wonder who really helped whom!

Copyright  © Steve Goodier

The Learning Conversation – Taking the Path to Healing

Healing the past with family members is one of the most challenging relationship issues that exist, because there is so much at stake. In our book, Straight From The Heart, we say that truth is love’s doorway. In other words, when we are honest and open about our true thoughts and feelings, it creates a safe environment in which love and affinity can flourish.

One of the things we have found in our work over the years is that very often the things that people cannot or will not talk about end up destroying the affinity and capacity for emotional depth in a relationship. People go through the motions of relating but without any authentic deep connection. They love each other in concept more than in real experience.

It is important not only to be honest in your relationships, but also to be the kind of person with whom it is safe to be honest. If you get angry and upset whenever someone tells you something you don’t like to hear, pretty soon people get the message that it is not safe to be honest with you.

Speaking your truth and listening to the truth of others is not always an easy thing to do. It is not always easy to know how to deal with an unpleasant truth you might hear, or to deal with another’s reaction to a differing truth of yours. For this reason, among others, that so many people decide it is better to hold back and tell people what they think they want to hear. The only problem with that is that it doesn’t allow wither of you to get vital information that could foster trust, intimacy, creativity or healing in the relationship.

Creating a Learning Conversation – In our book, You’re Never Upset for the Reason You Think, we offer this conversation wheel to guide the learning conversation.

As relationship coaches for thirty-five years we have seen that most upsets occur because of misperceptions and miscommunications. Upsets happen because people are using different and conflicting information on which to base their opinions and interpretations.

People usually do the best they can with the knowledge they have. But both people probably have different perceptions, feelings, identity concerns, beliefs, attitudes, and histories that have contributed to the interpretations that generate upsets.

Unless you share this information with one another, you will rarely be able to get on the same page with each other. It will always feel “off” in some way when you try to relate. And over time you simply settle for less closeness than you used to share with them.

In the learning conversation, you sort through the differences and use the information to learn about one another, exploring how you have both participated in a way that produced the upset. You use this information to avoid a similar upset in the future and to build a deeper level of understanding and trust in your relationship. It is crucial for you to be as interested in hearing from them as you are in telling your side of things.

It is always helpful to voice your intention for the dialogue, because your intention greatly determines the quality of your exchange. If your intention is to make them wrong or punish them for what you feel they “did to you,” they are going to feel that, no matter what else you might say. Make sure you truly intend to generate a learning conversation; don’t just pay it lip service.

If you can transform blame into personal responsibility you have a chance to realize the higher purpose in all your relationships, which is to learn, heal the past and evolve into the best version of yourself possible. To do this you need to generate mutual learning conversations rather than just getting stuff off your own chest.

In our view, the four most important pieces in a learning conversation are personal responsibility, individual perceptions, feelings and identity concerns.

The Personal Responsibility Conversation is extremely important in transmuting the fear of being blamed into safety and understanding. Until people truly see how they are responsible for a part of the upset, the best they can hope for is just paying lip service to a misguided concept of personal responsibility.

Too often people preface a blaming conversation with the words, “I know I have responsibility in this but…” and then they insert all the blame they still feel they have a right to. Most of the time they don’t even realize they are blaming the other. They think they are just telling the truth about their feelings. Personal responsibility is more than a concept it is a skill set. A set of skills most people haven’t learned.

The Perception Conversation has to do with sorting through one another’s different views on the same issue. It is important to avoid arguing about whose truth is more valid than the other. Let it be okay that you remember things differently. Simply be curious about how they see it without playing a right/wrong game. Try being a loving witness to their experience rather than comparing their truth to your own. Allow theirs to be different from yours. And don’t argue about the different versions. Endeavor to understand that there are different versions that lead to different interpretations of the same event.

The Feelings Conversation is delicate and potentially volatile. If someone’s deep feelings haven’t been dealt with internally, they tend to leak out into the learning conversation in a variety of ways, sarcasm, guilt tripping, defensiveness, judgments, shutting down, withdrawing and misperceptions and even an escalation into argument. We cannot emphasize enough the importance of dealing with feelings openly in safe and appropriate ways, where everyone has some competence in the skill of personal responsibility.

Creating a safe climate for all parties to engage in the feelings conversation is an art well worth learning. There are specific dos and don’ts that make this emotional minefield much easier to navigate.

The Identity Conversation highlights how the issue and the way it is being dealt with impacts the self concept of each participant. The question, “What does this mean about me?” is lurking just below the conscious level of awareness, and both your minds are tending to leap to all kinds of conclusions. Often, both parties are concerned that their sense of self will be painfully impacted. Try to be sensitive to how the upset may be affecting others sense of self in ways they may be unaware of.

During the healing dialogue, both your interpretations will probably change as your understanding of the other deepens. It is ideal if you can both interpret the upset as an opportunity to grow, seeing that now you understand each other better and will probably have a better relationship because of it.

The Other Partner Colludes

OK, what happens when one person is projecting onto their partner and their partner buys into it, even though it isn’t their “stuff”? Well, that’s part of the dance of projection and is just as automatic and unconscious as projecting.

For example, Mary’s father deserted her and her mother when she was eight years old and Mary still has unresolved hurt and anger about being abandoned. She decided at a very deep level that men are not trustworthy.

She is in a relationship with Jerry who has unresolved guilty feelings about hurting the women he loves because his mother used to blame him and his father for her unhappiness.

When Jerry wants to spend a weekend away from Mary with some of his friends, her abandonment feelings get triggered. Unconsciously, she projects them onto Jerry, accusing him of being untrustworthy because he wants to do something without her. Her interpretation, from her unresolved pain, is that Jerry doesn’t love her and is about to leave her.

Jerry’s collusion with her projection occurs when his guilt gets triggered. He doubts himself and believes he is responsible for Mary’s pain. He is unable to see that she is projecting and that he is colluding by “dancing” with her to this tune.

The important thing to understand here is that this is all going on unconsciously. Neither Mary nor Jerry knows what is really going on. To them, all these feelings appear to be occurring in present time, when in fact, what they are feeling are old feelings grounded in decisions they made a very long time ago. They are just being played out again in new circumstances in which they seem new.

The Tendency of Denial

The unresolved issues within you that you cannot confront tend to rob you of the ability to see yourself clearly. If Jerry did not feel guilty and believe that he was responsible for Mary’s (his mother’s or any woman’s) happiness, he would be able to confidently and lovingly reassure Mary that his spending the weekend with his friends did not mean he did not love her or that he was about to leave her. He could act guiltlessly and lovingly, rather than react out of his own unresolved guilt and pain.

Everyone projects to a greater or lesser degree. You will interpret other peoples’ behavior to be that to which you are accustomed, whether it is or not. Your beliefs and expectations determine your perception. You will think others are judging you for what you judge yourself for. You believe it, then you see it – not the other way around.

In order to have successful, enlightened partnerships it is very important to recognize when you are projecting. The easiest way to know if you are projecting is if you are judging! Judgment is thinking that someone is “bad” or undeserving of love or caring. Judgment is perception without compassion. The thing about judging others is that it protects you from your judgments about yourself. So, you will think others are unloving if you feel unlovable – or – you will think others are untrustworthy if you don’t trust yourself.

The more your past is unresolved the more you tend to project. Your unresolved past will cause you to act in defensive ways. And defense is perceived as attack by others! If you are judging another you are only trying to protect yourself from you own guilt or limiting thoughts. Judgment is a form of attack. Whenever you judge or attack another, the result will be a feeling of guilt whether you are aware of it or not.

Judgment reinforces personal guilt, which calls for more projection in the form of judgment, which calls for more guilt – and round and round you go!

The Power of Forgiveness

There are three ways to release yourself from this vicious cycle of guilt, projection, judgment and attack. 1. Forgive yourself 2. Forgive others 3. Neutralize your judgments.

Forgiveness is the fastest and most effective way of experiencing your “essential self” and that of others. Forgiveness is the natural result of healing unresolved hurts. When the hurt is healed, forgiveness happens spontaneously, revealing the unconditional love of your “essential self”. Forgiveness is giving up the claim to punishment.

Another important and usually overlooked step in forgiveness is to neutralize your judgments. So, what does that mean and how do you do it? You neutralize your judgments by realizing they don’t mean anything! Acknowledging that your judgments don’t mean anything helps to release you from the vicious circle of judgment. Rather than judge yourself for having judgments, you simply notice – “Oh, there goes another meaningless judgment!” Watch the judgment pass across the horizon of your awareness and let it go.

Sometimes we want to hold onto our judgments because the “conditioned mind” or “local self” or negative ego thinks it is only through judgment that you can be safe. After all, you have to be able to tell the good guys from the bad guys, right? Be sure not to confuse discernment with judgment. The truth is that some people are not trustworthy; they do lie and can be generally unpleasant to deal with. Judgment happens when you are in denial of a part of you that causes your perception to be distorted.

How to Tell If You Are in Denial

1. You will interpret other’s behavior to be that to which you are accustomed, whether it is or not.
2. Having a superior attitude.
3. Having judgments of others.
4. Seeing a need for punishment – feeling justified and even righteous in inflicting harm (psychologically, emotionally, verbally, physically) against another.
5. Defensiveness when someone reflects that you may be in denial (reaction rather than curiosity).
6. Your unresolved fears from the past appear to be happening again, even when they aren’t. Others can usually see this better than you can.
7. You never experience being willing to look at parts of yourself that are difficult to look at.

Enlightened partnerships recognize that projection is a part of human psychology at this point in our evolution. We all do it and we are likely to keep doing it for the foreseeable future. So, being in an enlightened partnership is not about never projecting. It is about being mindful and self-reflective enough to recognizing when you are doing it.

The more you can observe yourself and accept yourself without judgment, the more you are able to relate from your “essential self” and with the “essential self” of others. Enlightened partners recognize that judgment of others is an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth.

Enlightened partners recognize that whenever they remove judgment from their perception of themselves they lift and expand their consciousness. They know that to see themselves impeccably is to observe, without judgment, the thoughts and feelings that inspired their actions – and they know in their heart that they have always done the best they could with the resources available to them.

Enlightened partners know that a compassionate perception of self determines a compassionate perception of others.

An enlightened partnership is an intentional creative relationship that fosters the development and evolution of each partner and is dedicated to a soulful wisdom, compassion and trust. Enlightened partners are motivated by an inner vision and passion for a high level of cooperation and creativity.

Committing to enlightened partnerships is not for everyone. There is a difference between simply having great relationships and having enlightened partnerships. The crux of that difference lies in intention and aspiration. The intention of an enlightened partnership is to use the relationship consciously for spiritual growth, to heal unresolved issues from the past and to become fully awake. That is, after all, the meaning of enlightenment — to be fully awake to reality, free of the illusions that invisibly bind us to unhealthy ways of relating.

Enlightened partners aspire to a clear minded, open-hearted state of creative, passionate engagement. And if you can do that in your most important relationships — you know, the ones that tend to trigger you the most — you’ll be evolving very quickly!

Relationships are seldom as simple as we would like. They bring out our needs, anxieties and conflicts with people from our past — our parents, friends and former partners.

Our relationships with our partners are colored by our own personal legacies. We often react to our partners as if they were someone else — and most of the time this causes conflict in the relationship. After all, when we entered into a primary relationship we expected love, nurturance and validation just for being who we are. A relationship, we usually imagine, should provide a safe zone where our partners cherish us for expressing our unique qualities. This is a simple expectation. Why, then, does it seem so hard to achieve?

How we perceive our partners is influenced by how we learned to deal with other people in the past. This process can go back into early childhood, even to infancy. Indeed, our earliest primary attachment to a caretaker — a mother, a father, or another adult — can have an effect on how we deal with other people for the rest of our lives. For example, if our earliest experiences taught us to trust in the world, then we are likely, barring any other event that leads to distrust, to take a trusting attitude toward people throughout our lives. Conversely, if a child is never shown love during the earliest stages of life, it may be a challenge during adulthood to learn how to experience love. Early experiences from childhood can have a powerful effect later on. (This is a strong argument for treating children well.)

Children experience both good and bad in the world. Plenty of good experiences, like love and trust, feel comfortable and produce a positive self-image in children — a positive way of defining themselves. The bad experiences, though, create feelings of conflict and frustration. These negative experiences also go into the self-definition that the child is developing. But they don’t feel compatible with the more positive feelings, so, according to one theory, the child projects them onto somebody else. (Projection means finding in someone else the qualities that you don’t want to accept within yourself — like blaming your partner for being controlling when you are the one who has the tendency to want to control.)

Projections

It is not only early childhood experiences that cause us to project our unacceptable feelings onto someone else. Friends can have the same effect, as can partners from our previous relationships. This is a process that happens throughout our lives. How many times have we heard someone say, “Treat me for who I am — I am not your former partner”?

The major point to keep in mind is that we project our own problematic feelings onto another person. For example, if we have an issue with the feeling of jealousy, we will project our own jealousy onto someone else, and perceive them as being the jealous one! This is because we can’t tolerate seeing ourselves as having a problem with jealousy — and it’s easier to attribute it to someone else. In other words, we feel unable to correct the problem in ourselves, so we focus on this issue in the other person. The way out of this, of course, is to become aware of this projection and understand how it affects us.

When couples experience conflict in their relationship, projections are often at the root of the problem. If we are living with our own conflicts and are unable to make any headway in understanding them, it’s as if we look for the problem in the other person. In fact, at a certain level, we may actually seek out partners who have the qualities that we find problematic within ourselves. If we have difficulty in asserting ourselves, for example, and we get frustrated and angry with other people for running over us, we may see out partners who do just that — people who dominate us. Just as often, though, our partners may not see themselves as domineering, but because we need to work out our own problems with the issues of dominance and submission, we will search for these qualities in the other person. We take any cue we can from our partner and magnify it. Then we’re able to project our own problem onto the other person, saying it is their fault. By blaming the other person, we protect ourselves from having to come to terms with our own issues. We can safely continue our submissive pattern and blame the other person for having the problem.

In an enlightened partnership, when projections are causing relationship conflicts, it is preferable to increase our awareness of our own internal conflicts and how we project these conflicts onto our partners. We can look for examples of our projections in other life situations until we see a pattern. When we have awareness of the problem, we can understand the many ways it influences our behavior — and this can give us some control over the problem. We can then try out new ways of dealing with people. For example, when a person experiences frustration time and again from feeling dominated by others, learning some assertiveness techniques can help them alleviate the problem.

Most of the time we don’t recognize our own projections unless we have an intention to discover them or someone points them out to us. The process of “sorting them all out” almost always involves communication; sometimes with the person we are projecting on and sometimes with a trusted advisor or close friend. There is a process of getting a “reality check” because our projections always “feel” true to us.

This communication can only occur in a safe emotional climate where honesty about thoughts, feelings and impressions is brought forth. Whenever we discover our projections we reclaim a piece of our personal power and we are that much closer to the enlightenment that comes from deep self-awareness.

NOTE: It is important to understand that projections are not at the root of every problem that couples experience. Sometimes the other person does indeed have a real problem that can lead to an abusive situation. In this case, it is not advisable to try to understand it as projection, but to see it for what it truly is and to take appropriate measures to change the situation.

Next month in Turning Great Relationships Into Enlightened Partnerships – Part Two, we will talk about what happens when the other partner colludes in the projections. We’ll also have an example of a couple involved in projection so you can see more clearly what we are talking about here. Plus, we’ll offer you some important questions so you can assess your own relationships.

Too many of us are using enormous amounts of energy protecting ourselves from the truth. It seems “easier” in the short term to live with half-truths or even self-created fantasies designed to protect us from unpleasant feelings. But in the long run, it simply doesn’t work.

Sooner or later reality catches up with us and we have to deal with it anyway. The longer it takes the more costly it is. The good news is that dealing with the truth makes us stronger.

In our private coaching practice we help people with all phases of partnership, from creation to completion. As we look back at the thousands of couples we have helped navigate the turbulent emotional waters of divorce, there is one glaring similarity in 90% of the cases. If they had talked openly, honestly and responsibly about their problems when they first began, they wouldn’t be getting a divorce.

How much better off would they be if they had chosen to deal with their problems head-on rather than avoiding the feelings of temporary discomfort that can come from difficult conversations. It cost them more in the long run to avoid confronting the truth than to deal with it. Sobering but true.

The question is – how often do you avoid dealing with the truth because you are afraid it will be uncomfortable? Do you find yourself avoiding difficult conversations because you think that by waiting the problem will somehow disappear?

Is it better to avoid looking at the fact that you are losing money doing the business you love? Or is it more prudent to run appropriate financial projections so you can avert disaster down the road?

Is it better to be honest with yourself that certain life-style choices are costing you your health, or just wait for the suffering and the medical bills to show up?

Is it easier to keep struggling with your bills every month, or to look at the part of you that seems determined to live beyond your means?

Is it better to keep struggling with a relationship, that when you look at it, hasn’t been fulfilling since the first few months you were together, and that was 12 years ago?! Or is it wiser to take a deep breath and a long look at why it’s so easy for you to settle for less than you want?

Is it better to walk on eggshells with the people you care most about because you’re afraid to hear what you already know to be true? Or is it less stressful to simply deal with it? Initiate a heart-to-heart talk and make choices based on the reality of the situation rather than what you wished was true.

Is it worth the risk to tell the emperor he has no clothes, or wait for him to find out some other way, then have him feel hurt or betrayed because you didn’t have the guts to simply tell him?

From time to time it is important to take stock of what we are trying to avoid. The pure and simple truth is that denial, personal or group denial, is very costly. It costs us our self-respect and our personal power. Denial drains our energy like water through a sieve. It also costs us time. We waste so much of our life when we bury our head in the proverbial sand.

Sometimes, when we come out of denial, we feel regret for all the lost moments. Like when a solution presented itself and we didn’t notice because we were too busy fooling ourselves that we “didn’t have a problem”. Some people lose their whole life doing that.

One of the most difficult things for human beings is to perceive “what is”. Reality is often obscured by our own beliefs, biases, fears, prejudices and limitations.

To be enlightened is to be awake. Awake enough to discern the false from the true, especially within our own psyche. Most of us need to develop our capacity to observe ourselves without self-invalidation so we can begin to see the deeper reasons for the choices we make and the actions we take.

So, what is there for you to do? Begin a rigorous exploration of your own heart and mind. Go into the deep stillness of your meditation and ask, “What am avoiding?” or “What am I in denial about?” Then wait for the answer. You may have to ask it more than once. The next step is to ask, “What can I do to deal with it more appropriately?” Write your answers down and keep them in a place where you can see them frequently throughout the day. Then take one step at a time.

You’ll notice that as you start taking the steps you’ll begin to feel stronger, your mind will feel more focused, you’ll have more energy. Even though you may decide to do some things that are temporarily uncomfortable, sooner than later, you’ll feel the strength that comes from integrity. The integrity to be true to yourself by looking at what is really going on in your life.

You’ll feel more alive, more alert, more at peace. You’ll find yourself in a rarified sphere of being AWAKE. The air is sweeter here than any you have ever breathed and you’ll feel that whatever it took you to get here, was worth it.

The evolutionary edge for humanity is sharing power. As a species we are gradually moving from using our power in self-centered adversarial ways to sharing our collective power for the mutual benefit of everyone concerned. We are shifting from a paradigm characterized by me or them to me and them. We are just beginning to tap into the power of co-creation.

It’s going to take more than good intentions for us to pull this one off. We are all going to have to learn to think differently, make new distinctions and include new practices in our business-as-usual routines.

We offer you the 5 C’s of co-creation to help you create a map for your exploration of this new and uncharted territory.

The 5 C’s are commitment, communication, cooperation, collaboration and coordination. If you are intending to create a future with one or more people it’s a good idea to deep the 5C’s in mind and to check in with one another periodically to see if you are taking them into consideration as you progress.

COMMITMENT – Setting your intention. What are we all committed to? Can we all state it succinctly? Does the commitment generate enthusiasm? Does it live in our everyday conversations with one another in some way? Are there any obstacles to honoring the commitment to our fullest ability? How are we dealing with those obstacles? Are we all committed to doing what is in our power to do, to have the co-creative endeavor succeed for everyone concerned?

COMMUNICATION – Creating the environment. As human beings our relationships live in language. What we talk about and how we talk about it determines the emotional climate of our relationships. Is our communication style fostering safety and creativity? Are we communicating readily, honestly, and openly? Are there things we are afraid to discuss that need to be discussed? Are there unspoken emotional undercurrents distracting our attention? Are there any recurrent communication breakdowns and is there a strategy in place so they can be avoided in the future? Does our communication include acknowledgment and gratitude? Are people making requests in order to take care of their own needs and wants? Are we giving effective feedback so we can improve as we go? Are we communicating our unified purpose to others in inspiring and enthusiastic ways?

COOPERATION – The necessary attitude. Are we cooperating? Is our cooperation motivated by an inner passion or is it being forced by fear and the need to go with the flow of others intentions? Are we able to find a common path through adversity or is it every man for him self when the going gets tough? Are there any competing egos vying for the spotlight at the expense of others? Are we clear on the benefits of cooperation in this creative endeavor? What is at risk if we don’t cooperate?

COLLABORATION – Synergizing ideas. Is there an attitude that everyone’s ideas are vital to the whole? Are we able to express our ideas freely without fear of judgment or ridicule? As a group are we asking BIG questions that bring forth the talent of everyone involved and excite our creative impulses? Are we able to engage in possibility thinking, not limited by the past or what has been? Are we skillful in bringing out the best in each other? Is the system in which we are working set up to receive the avalanche of creativity we can generate?

COORDINATION - Synchronizing action. What’s the plan? How are we coordinating our actions in effective and harmonious ways? Do we all have an overview of how all the different parts are working together? Are we clear on individual areas of responsibility and accountability? What are the consequences, if any, for failure to perform? How does time play into to it? Do we have established lines of communication? How often do we need to reevaluate the plan? How often and in what form (phone, meetings, e-mail) do we need to communicate in order to coordinate effectively?

We all play a vital part in the emerging paradigm of co-creation. Discovering our unique contribution is part of the adventure. We hope that using the 5 C’s will help you better play your part in fulfilling the promise of humanity’s evolutionary potential.

We have found it very helpful to use written agreements that clarify the foundation of the co-creative relationship. These are the ones we like to use and we offer them for your consideration.

Co-Creator Agreements

1. I agree to bring my passion and talent to our collective endeavor.
2. I agree to speak the truth with compassion.
3. I agree to listen deeply and respectfully to others.
4. I agree to be responsible for my own needs, wants and sense of being valued.
5. I agree to acknowledge others generously.
6. I will readily use our predetermined protocol for resolving upsets in a way that fosters personal responsibility and collective harmony.
7. I agree to use mistakes constructively and practice forgiveness when called for.
8. I will strive to maintain trust and affinity and restore them if they are damaged.
9. I agree to turn my complaints into requests and communicate constructively to the person who can do something about it.
10. I will refrain from negative gossip.
11. I agree to manage my agreements with others in responsible and courteous ways.
12. I agree to encourage and be encouraged in bringing out our individual genius.
13. I agree to nurture a soulful connection with my fellow co-creators.

Our Special Offer for the Heart to Heart Talks Online Training Program will remain open for only one more day, until midnight tonight. So, if you have been on the fence about getting this, know it will never be this inexpensive again! Click here for more information and to order.

Conflict between people is a fact of life — and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, a relationship with frequent conflict may be healthier than one with no observable conflict. Conflicts occur at all levels of interaction — at work, among friends, within families and between relationship partners. When conflict occurs, the relationship may be weakened or strengthened. Thus, conflict is a critical event in the course of a relationship. Conflict can cause resentment, hostility and perhaps the ending of the relationship. If it is handled well, however, conflict can be productive – leading to deeper understanding, mutual respect and closeness. Whether a relationship is healthy or unhealthy depends not so much on the number of conflicts between participants, but on how the conflicts are resolved.

Sometimes people shy away from conflict, and the reasons for this are numerous. They may, for example, feel that their underlying anger may go out of control if they open the door to conflict. Thus, they may see conflict as an all-or-nothing situation (either they avoid it altogether or they end up in an all-out combative mode, regardless of the real severity of the conflict). Or they may find it difficult to face conflict because they feel inadequate in general or in the particular relationship. They may have difficulty in positively asserting their views and feelings. Children who grow up surrounded by destructive conflict may, as adults, determine never to participate in discord. In this situation, the person may never have learned that there are effective, adaptive ways to communicate in the face of conflict.

People adopt a number of different styles in facing conflict. First, it is very common to see a person avoid or deny the existence of conflict. Unfortunately, in this case, the conflict often lingers in the background during interaction between the participants and creates the potential for further tension and even more conflict. A second response style is that of one person getting mad and blaming the other person. This occurs when a person mistakenly equates conflict with anger. This stance does nothing to resolve the conflict and in fact only serves to increase the degree of friction between the two participants by amplifying defensiveness. A third way which some people use to resolve conflict is by using power and influence to win at the other’s expense. They welcome conflict because it allows their competitive impulses to emerge, but they fail to understand that the conflict is not really resolved since the “loser” will continue to harbor resentment. Similarly, some people appear to compromise in resolving the conflict, but they subtly manipulate the other person in the process, and this, again, perpetuates the conflict between the two parties and compromises the trust between them. There are better ways to handle interpersonal conflict.

Healthy Approaches to Conflict Resolution

Conflicts run all the way from minor, unimportant differences to disputes which can threaten the existence of a relationship. Conflicts with a loved one or a long-term friend are, of course, different from negotiating with someone who does not care about your needs, like a stranger or a salesperson. However, there is an underlying principle that underscores all successful conflict resolution. That is, both parties must view their conflict as a problem to be solved mutually so that both parties have the feeling of winning — or at least finding a solution which is acceptable to both. Each person must participate actively in the resolution and make an effort and commitment to find answers which are as fair as possible to both. This is an easy principle to understand, but it is often difficult to put into practice.

We may get so caught up with our own immediate interests that we damage our relationships. If we disregard or minimize the position of the other person, if fear and power are used to win, or if we always have to get our own way, the other person will feel hurt and the relationship may be wounded. Similarly, if we always surrender just to avoid conflict, we give the message to the other person that it is acceptable to act self-serving at our expense and insensitive to our needs. Our feeling of self-worth suffers, resentment festers, and we feel poisoned in the relationship. Instead, it is healthier if both parties can remain open, honest, assertive and respectful of the other position. Mutual trust and respect, as well as a positive, constructive attitude, are fundamental necessities in relationships that matter.

Preventing Conflict

Most people have no interest in creating conflict with others. Most of us know enough about human behavior to distinguish between healthy communication and the words or actions that contribute to rocky relationships. It is in our interest to maintain relations which are smooth, flexible, and mutually enhancing. The problem occurs when we fail to use cooperative approaches consistently in our dealing with others. We seldom create conflict intentionally. We do it because we may not be aware of how our own behavior contributes to interpersonal problems. Sometimes we forget, or we are frustrated and annoyed, and sometimes we just have a bad day. At times we feel so exasperated that we focus on our own needs at the expense of others’. And then we find ourselves in conflict.

To prevent conflict from happening in the first place, it is important to identify the ways in which we contribute to the disagreement. One way of doing this is to identify a specific, recent conflicted situation, recall what you said, and then think specifically about how you could have used more effective language. Think about ways in which your communication could have set a more trustful tone or reduced defensiveness. Then, once you have identified your part in the conflict, such as blaming, practice working on that particular behavior for a day or a week. At the end of the time period, evaluate your progress. Did you succeed? In what situations did you not succeed? (While it may be the other person who created the conflict, you are the other half of the interaction and it is your own response that you have control over and can change.)

Using Effective Communication Techniques to Reduce Conflict

Once you find yourself in a conflicted situation with someone else, it is important to reduce the emotional charge from the situation so that you and the other person can deal with your differences on a rational level in resolving the conflict.

The Defusing Technique

The other person might be angry and may come to the situation armed with a number of arguments describing how you are to blame for his or her unhappiness. Your goal is to address the other’s anger — and you do this by simply agreeing with the person. When you find some truth in the other point of view, it is difficult for the other person to maintain anger. For example, “I know that I said I would call you last night. You are absolutely right. I wish I could be more responsible sometimes.” The accusation might be completely unreasonable from your viewpoint, but there is always some truth in what the other person says. At the very least, we need to acknowledge that individuals have different ways of seeing things. This does not mean that we have to compromise our own basic principles. We simply validate the other’s stance so that we can move on to a healthier resolution of the conflict. This may be hard to do in a volatile situation, but a sign of individual strength and integrity is the ability to postpone our immediate reactions in order to achieve positive goals. Sometimes we have to “lose” in order, ultimately, to “win.”

Empathy

Try to put yourself into the shoes of the other person. See the world through their eyes. Empathy is an important listening technique that gives the other feedback that he or she is being heard. There are two forms of empathy. “Thought Empathy” gives the message that you understand what the other is trying to say. You can do this in conversation by paraphrasing the words of the other person. For example, “I understand you to say that your trust in me has been broken.” “Feeling Empathy” is your acknowledgment of how the other person probably feels. It is important never to attribute emotions that may not exist for the other person (such as, “You’re confused with all your emotional upheaval right now”), but rather to indicate your perception of how the person must be feeling. For example, “I guess you probably feel pretty mad at me right now.”

Exploration

Ask gentle, probing questions about what the other person is thinking and feeling. Encourage the other to talk fully about what is on his or her mind. For example, “Are there any other thoughts that you need to share with me?”

Using “I” Statements

Take responsibility for your own thoughts rather than attributing motives to the other person. This decreases the chance that the other person will become defensive. For example, “I feel pretty upset that this thing has come between us.” This statement is much more effective than saying, “You have made me feel very upset.”

Stroking

Find positive things to say about the other person, even if the other is angry with you. Show a respectful attitude. For example, “I genuinely respect you for having the courage to bring this problem to me. I admire your strength and your caring attitude.”

Although it seems that people are being kinder and gentler with each other these days, nerves are also frayed and anxieties are high — a good formula for upsets and misunderstandings. The ideas presented in this article can help all of us continue to be more aware and compassionate in our dealings with one another.

Listening is a skill most of us never learned as a school subject. We assume that listening is something that comes naturally. Too often we listen for what we need to hear rather than to what the other person truly intends to say. Our inability to listen is often at the root of our interpersonal conflicts. Good relationships are characterized by good listening skills on the part of both partners. When we listen well to someone we not only show that person respect and care, but we show that we are open to the world around us.

Obstacles to Good Listening

Real listening is a skill that takes practice and an honest look into how you deal with the world. If you tend to take a distrustful or combative stance toward other people most of the time, it may be hard to engage in healthy and open listening.

The same holds true if you need to please others or form dependent relationships with other people much of the time – it becomes hard to truly hear what they are trying to say…and you will hear only what you need to hear.

Take a look at some of the common obstacles to active listening that typically interfere with healthy communication. Learn to recognize them when they are happening. And remember that obstacles can usually be removed.

Being Judgmental: When you have already made a negative judgment about someone, you will stop listening openly to what they have to say. You may listen only to gather evidence that supports your negative opinion of the other person. Unfortunately, if you are not able to listen to the totality of what the person is saying, you will stay locked into your negative opinion.

Rehearsing: Your mind actively creates your argument against the speaker’s point of view as it is being presented. This implies that you have your own established opinions and that you are closed to what the other has to say.

Filtering: You will hear some things that the other person talks about, but not everything. There may be some topics, like the speaker’s anger toward you, which you simply block out because you aren’t as ready to deal with them as the other person might be. Filtering may be helpful when it is used to lessen the impact of bringing up an avoided topic, but continuing it for long usually means that it is best to examine the meaning behind your need to shut out some of the information.

Advising: Sometimes people just need to be heard. We don’t have to fix every problem the other person talks about. Giving advice instead of just listening may make us feel needed, or it may be a way of distancing ourselves from hearing the other’s true feelings. To tell someone else how they should feel or behave can be a way of belittling them or telling them that they are not to be trusted. Unless advice is asked for, it may be best not to give it.

Mind Reading: You may disregard what your partner is saying and try to figure out what he or she is really trying to say. You are acting like an expert on your partner’s feelings, but this deprives your partner of the ability to communicate freely and with candor – and for you to understand your partner’s stated point of view.

Pleasing: You are so concerned about being nice, keeping the peace, and placating that you’ll jump in to agree just to keep everything happy and smooth. It may be helpful to look into why you feel compelled to do this and what it might mean for your relationship. Again, the desire to please prevents you from hearing what your partner really needs to say.

Deflecting: Whenever a certain topic is brought up that you feel uncomfortable with, you redirect the conversation to something else. You’ll tell a joke or change the subject, even if the topic is of genuine concern to your partner.

A Listening Exercise for Couples

Reciprocal listening is a powerful tool for couples who need to improve their communication. Couples who try this may become aware of how limited their communication has been in the past. They also learn an effective technique, which can increase the respect, trust, and intimacy of their relationship. This exercise may seem structured and perhaps contrived at first, but stay with it. The rewards can be immense.

The couple decides on a minor disagreement that they need to talk about. Each partner takes turns being either the speaker or the listener. The speaker has five minutes to speak without interruption. As the speaker, talk about the problem as you see it. Present your argument briefly and stick to the point. Be sure to use “I statements” to present your views and don’t place the blame on your partner (that is, just talk about how you feel about the conflict without putting your partner in a defensive position).

After five minutes your partner (the listener) will verbally summarize what he or she has heard. This allows the speaker to let the listener know if anything has been left out or if it has been misinterpreted. Keep going until the speaker feels that the point has been completely heard.

As the listener, pay close attention to what is being said and try to attune yourself to your partner’s needs. When you summarize what your partner has said, make sure you don’t disagree, argue, or criticize. Just repeat what you have heard.

Now switch positions. The speaker becomes the listener and the listener, the speaker. Follow the same procedures until the new speaker feels satisfied that his or her position has been understood. It is important to avoid letting this exercise turn into an argument. Because this is such a powerful way of learning to listen and to communicate better, many people prefer to try it with a therapist present, at least for the first few attempts.

Heart to Heart Talks

You can take this exercise even deeper by using Heart to Heart Talks in which the listener, rather than paraphrasing back what they heard the speaker say, simply responds with a neutral comment, such as “Thank you” or “I understand”, or if they didn’t understand, says “I didn’t understand that, can you please say it in another way?”

There are four kinds of Heart to Heart Talks; Discovery, Clearing, Nurturing and Affirming. Heart to Heart Talks begin with the speaker using a lead in phrase or sentence fragment, such as “Something that’s important to me in relationships is . . .”, and completing the sentence with whatever comes to mind. The speaker continues for a couple of minutes with the listener simply responding as indicated above. Then they switch and the new speaker uses the same lead in phrase.

Unlike reciprocal listening, Heart to Heart Talks teaches the listener how to listen with a quiet mind. The listener is really tuned into the speaker, listening to what they are really saying, rather than listening to the voice in the listener’s head.

Heart to Heart Talks are one of the most powerful tools available for learning how to listen deeply without distraction. This kind of listening has a profound effect on the speaker who may have the experience of truly being heard for the very first time.

Listen to the Children

Children need to be heard. Listening to children gives them the feeling that they count, that they matter. They can draw on the strength and experience of an adult whom they trust – and they trust those who give them stable and consistent attention. It is during childhood that they develop a level of self-esteem that may follow them throughout their lives, and the child who has been listened to is much more likely to develop a positive self-image than one who has not been heard.

One of the best gifts an adult can provide a child is showing the child how to use active listening skills. Adults can model good listening techniques for children and advise them on ways to listen better by picking out the highlights of a conversation and asking relevant questions.

Use the following listening techniques in dealing with the special needs of children:

Pay special attention as they talk. Maintain good eye contact and forget about the telephone and television. Children can tell by the adult’s reply whether or not they have the adult’s attention.

Know when to, and when not to, use active listening. Use active listening when you are free enough of your own problems to show the empathy and acceptance a child needs. Use it when you are in the mood and have the time. Listening should not be a way to change the child’s behavior. Pay attention to the child’s mood too, and make sure the time is right for the child to talk. Sometimes a child just wants to play or to be left alone.

Listen with patience. A child has a more limited vocabulary and often takes longer to express ideas. Listen as if you had plenty of time. We may feel that we know better and cut the child off – but it is far more beneficial to let the child express a thought freely at his or her own pace.

Children sometimes need encouragement to talk. Children haven’t had much experience in the art of conversation, so we sometimes have to ask questions. When a child feels an adult is attentive, the child will be more willing to open up.

Listen to the child’s nonverbal messages. Children communicate not only through words, but also through their body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, energy levels, or changes in behavior. Pay attention to these cues and respond in the way that is best for the child.

It only takes a little practice with listening using the tools mentioned here to improve your listening skills, and thus your overall communication skills, to become a truly accomplished communicator.

Communication Requires One Person to Talk and Equally Important, the Other to Listen

Listening is the other half of communication. Our first thought, when we think about communication, may be to consider the speaker’s ability to convey ideas effectively. What we often forget is that without a listener the speaker may as well be talking to the wind. Just as effective speaking is an acquired skill, so is good listening. Some do it better than others. But all of us can learn to enrich our own listening skills.

Listening to the Voice in Your Head

Think about what happens when you hear someone speak. You pay attention to the person’s appearance, to activity in the background, to what you did earlier in the day, to a conversation you had with someone else, or to your counterargument, and how you will present it. Your mind flits from topic to topic as you take in only fragments of what the other person says. It seems a wonder that people understand each other as well as they do.

The speaker conveys only a portion of the real meaning of an intended idea – and the listener may pick up on only a fraction of the information transmitted. We think we know what the speaker was trying to say, but often we are absolutely wrong. (Have you ever played the “rumor game” in a large circle? The first person whispers a message to the next in line, and this message goes from person to person until it gets to the end of the circle. Something like “two kittens were playing with a ball of string” easily mutates into “the lion sleeps tonight” as the message is relayed around the circle.)

Listening is Loving

Listening is itself a form of communication. Listening to another person sends the message that you care and that you are truly interested in the other person’s ideas. Without the ability to listen effectively, true intimacy and mutual respect between partners, two of the hallmarks of a successful relationship, are not even possible. When you fail to listen to your partner, you may impart the message that he or she doesn’t count, that you are the one with all the knowledge, and that you lack respect for your partner. These are hardly the qualities of a thriving and mutually beneficial relationship.

Effective listening means that you want to learn from, enjoy, care about, trust, understand, and nurture your partner. A good listener sends the message that he or she is interested in the world and to new ideas and life experiences. To listen well is one way to show that you can love well.

Learn to Listen Effectively

The first step in mastering good listening skills is to become aware of why listening is important in your life and your relationships. And the next step is simply to start doing it. Practice listening whenever you can.

Here are a few rules to start the process:

• Never interrupt when the other person is speaking. Allow the speaker to complete his or her thought.
• Eliminate distractions – put your book down or turn off the television.
• Maintain eye contact while the other person is speaking.
• Pull your chair closer and lean toward the speaker.
• Keep your posture open – directly face your partner and leave your arms and legs uncrossed.
• Give verbal and nonverbal responses to what the speaker is saying – “yes, I see,” nod your head, smile, or frown when it’s appropriate.

Attentive Listening

Listening is more than passively remaining silent while the other person talks. It is the other half of an active collaborative process. The first level is attentive listening. In this mode we take the position that we are genuinely interested in the other person’s point of view. We accept the fact that we have something to learn from the interaction. However, this level of listening has its limitations. Even though we are attentive, we still make assumptions about the message and we tend to fill in the gaps with whatever it is that we want to hear. At this level we don’t check to see if what we have heard is what the speaker really meant to say.

Active Listening

The second, and more powerful, level is active listening (or reflective listening). This assumes that communication is truly a two-way process that involves giving feedback. Active listening requires that the listener paraphrase, clarify, and give feedback.

Paraphrasing is the most important element of active listening. When your partner says something of interest, you should restate in your own words what you heard your partner say. You can provide a lead-in, such as “What I’m hearing you say is that…” or “So if I’m correct, you are telling me that….” Paraphrasing allows us to correct misconceptions as they occur, gives us the chance to resist obstacles to good listening, keeps both you and your partner from becoming defensive or feeling misunderstood, and helps us to remember what was said.

Clarifying provides more depth to the listening process than merely paraphrasing. Your purpose in clarifying is to ask questions about what the speaker is saying in a helpful and empathic way. “So how did you feel when I cut you off?” “What did you think when I said I didn’t want to take that trip?” Clarifying does not involve belittling, manipulating or coercing your partner in any way. Its purpose is to tell the speaker that you are engaged in listening and you want to know more about specific points.

Giving feedback involves providing your personal thoughts on what your partner has said, without succumbing to the obstacles to good listening. You calmly state your own opinions, thoughts and feelings. This gives your partner yet another chance to see if you got the message and to check out the accuracy of his or her communication. And perhaps your partner can gain a new or broader perspective on what was talked about.

Listening is a skill most of us never learned as a school subject. We assume that listening is something that comes naturally. Too often we listen for what we need to hear rather than to what the other person truly intends to say. Our inability to listen is often at the root of our interpersonal conflicts. Good relationships are characterized by good listening skills on the part of both partners. When we listen well to someone we not only show that person respect and care, but we show that we are open to the world around us.

Special Announcement:

We are putting the finishing touches on a major upgrade to our Straight From the Heart e-book by adding six audios totally approximately eight hours of in-depth teaching and coaching from a teletraining we completed. We are excited about making this level of training available. We expect to announce its release in next week’s blog post!

Note: The following post is from a recent newsletter by David Spangler, a writer and spiritual teacher whose work we have followed from the beginning of our relationship. This piece is relevant to how communication and connection with one another is dramatically changing in the 21st century.

Facefields

by David Spangler – (c) 2010

My youngest daughter, Maryn, has been having a companionable summer palling about with her “posse” of girl friends. They spend most days together, and when they are apart, they are texting each other. One afternoon as she was sitting reading in our living room, her phone kept buzzing as one friend or another sent her a text message. Her own thumbs were in constant motion replying, giving new meaning to the phrase “she was all thumbs.”

I asked her, “Why don’t you and your friends just phone each other and talk. Wouldn’t that be faster and easier?”

Maryn sweetly answered what must have seemed an antediluvian question from her out-of-fashion Dad who doesn’t even own a cell phone, much less use one for texting. “If we called each other,” she said, “we’d have to have something to talk about.”

“But aren’t you talking to each other when you’re texting?”

“Oh, no,” she replied. “We not talking. We’re connecting.”

Growing up overseas in North Africa, we didn’t always have a phone, and when we did, using it was not something we took lightly. This was especially true for long distance calls. If we did call someone outside our local calling area, it was always a special occasion, and my Dad would hover with a watch making sure we didn’t talk longer than three minutes, after which the rates would go up dramatically. Phones were not social media in my family; they were instruments for conveying information quickly and succinctly. If you simply wanted to “connect,” you wrote a letter.

The kind of trivial, stream of consciousness chatter I can find on Facebook or Twitter would have been unimaginable for me as a child. Indiscriminately broadcasting your slightest activity, thought or feeling to the world anytime you felt like it was not only technically impossible when I was growing up, but it was also way beyond some cultural and psychological threshold for reasonable behavior. I still feel some of that; when I was introduced to Twitter, I found it difficult to imagine its value or why someone would want to spend their time sending and receiving tweets. But then, I have a hard time coming up with sound bites for interviews, too. I am not noted amongst my friends for succinctness.

But without overly romanticizing the phenomenon or making more of it than it may warrant, I do feel that the emerging and evolving arena of social media such as Facebook marks something significant going on in human consciousness. It has to do with the difference between communication for the purpose of conveying information and communication intended to create communion and to build connection. When I used a phone as a kid, it was for the former purpose; as my daughter informed me, when she uses her phone in texting mode, it’s for the latter.

Television, smart phones, and the Internet all bring instant news and data into my life. I can feel overwhelmed. But I also notice an interesting phenomenon: having information about something isn’t at all the same as knowing about it or feeling connected to it. Pure information—words, images, voices funneled into my awareness through electronic media—can be strangely distancing. It renders its subject abstract. I know about something but I don’t really know it. When I see on the nightly news villages in Pakistan ravaged by the monsoon floods, I have information about something that is happening in my world, but do I feel connected to it? Having the information can make me feel that I am participating in my world, but am I? I can feel like I’m part of my world when in fact I’m as separate from it as ever.

If we are awash in information, we are not necessarily equally deepened in our sense of connectedness. If I receive a tweet from someone that says he is having lunch or she is out shopping, do I feel I am really participating in that person’s life? Do I feel any more whole with him or with her? It can just be a modern version of voyeurism, knowledge without participation; it gives me information without connection.

What I realize when talking with my daughter is that she gets this distinction. She’s very clear that her texting, for example, is basically not about information but about connection. It’s more like reaching out in a dark, foggy night to touch a friend whom you cannot see and being reassured that they are there. And talking with others who are involved in social media, I find this is not an uncommon experience.

We human beings suffer from disconnectedness: we are disconnected from each other, we are disconnected from the natural world. The result is violence, a lack of wholeness, a piecemeal approach to life which at its most basic leads me to look out for number one and heaven help everyone or everything else. In Martin Buber’s wonderful imagery, lack of real connectedness leads us to transform a “thou,” a being to be treasured and communed with, into an “it,” something to be used and manipulated, then discarded when I’m finished.

I don’t pretend at all that phenomena like Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, or any other social media will solve this problem; in some ways, they aggravate the problem, substituting real connection with a kind of faux friendship and with information that conveys a false intimacy. They are like junk food for the soul, exciting but providing no lasting or real nourishment.

But, on the other hand, they also are providing a platform on which deeper connectedness can be built. They are seeds around which energetic fields can develop, linking and uniting people in ways that allow for a flow of subtle energy as well as of information. They are a training ground in making and exploring connections, allowing a growing interaction between people on a global level that nothing else in our culture is providing in the same way.

I have recently been reading an excellent book called The Living Classroom: Teaching and Collective Consciousness by Dr. Christopher M. Bache. In it he chronicles and explores his discovery of how fields of consciousness come into being amongst his students and himself. These fields represent a level of participation and shared awareness above and beyond the normal channels of everyday communication. I am aware of these fields myself in my own classes, and they play an important part of my teaching strategy. Unlike Dr. Bache who works in a university, I teach online most of the time. What has always been amazing and wonderful for me is that even though the participants in a class are separated, sometimes by thousands of miles, a field of collective consciousness still develops between us. We become connected in subtle, energetic ways as well as informationally.

These fields develop faster and more clearly when there is intent behind them, but this is not essential. They can emerge out of persistent and sustained acts of connection, such as happens between my daughter and her friends as they text together. And these fields can become means of transmission for any number of subtle energies and phenomena, such as love, blessing, even healing.

By many accounts, we are heading into a future dominated by climate change, environmental challenges, and social and economic vulnerability. It is a future that can be met and transformed drawing not only on our outer skills and efforts but on the power inherent in fields of subtle energy that can be created when human beings are in true connection with each other and with their world. Learning to create and use these fields as a form of subtle activism is, I feel, a vital skill to understand and develop.

And it begins with learning how to connect.

I believe there is an intuitive realization within our species that this is so, and this realization is giving birth to the many forms of social media emerging in our world which allow us to explore ways and forms of connection that have not been possible on such a scale or with such intimacy before. They are giving us tools which can in time enable us to form the energetic, participatory, shared fields of consciousness and subtle activism that can truly make a difference. If so, then one day, MySpace may become MyFields and Facebook will become…well, FaceFields, anyone?

Since 1964 David Spangler has been an author and teacher of spirituality. He began his career at nineteen as the keynote speaker at a national conference in Phoenix, Arizona, on “Youth and the New Age.”

In 1970 he visited the Findhorn Foundation community in Northern Scotland where he was invited to become its co-director and to be a teacher-in-residence. He lived and worked in the community until 1973, becoming the founder of its educational program.

His books include Emergence; The Call; Everyday Miracles; Parent as Mystic, Mystic as Parent; Blessing: The Art and the Practice; The Story Tree; Manifestation: Creating the Life You Love; and The Incarnation Card Deck.

You may learn more about David and his work at www.lorian.org

Has anything like this ever happened to you in any of your relationships?

A Simple Misunderstanding

Kevin had what he thought was a mild misunderstanding with Melissa over a missed appointment. It seemed like the issue had been resolved with an acknowledgment of no fault miscommunication and an apology from Kevin. But, Kevin didn’t feel like it was over, even though Melissa said she wasn’t really upset. Frustrated and disappointed were the words she used, but not upset.

Melissa’s smile seemed forced and it felt like there was more that she wanted to say, but Melissa insisted they forget about it and move on. Still, Kevin had an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach that made him wary of Melissa.

Emotional Incongruence

One of the hallmarks of enlightened conflict resolution is emotional authenticity. Emotional authenticity can be compromised by emotional incongruence. Often, unrecognized fears complicate what could be a direct, straightforward exchange of information.

Most of us have learned to hide our true feelings. Dropping your mask and being emotionally honest can sometimes leave you feeling vulnerable. But that is just the reason it is so disarming and why it tends to build trust and compassion.

Emotional incongruence is complex because sometimes you know you are doing it and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you may intentionally lie about your feelings in order to get the upper hand. It’s almost always a stupid move because it is so transparent. People may not notice it right away, but after they have had a chance to reflect on it, it usually dawns on them. They may not confront you on it because it is not worth the effort, but they will feel wary and simply “go polite” and keep their distance. Just like Kevin did with Melissa.

At other times, you may be out of touch with your feelings and try to fool yourself into maintaining a particular self image. Perhaps it is an image of being nice or spiritual or in control. But just beneath the surface, your fear of looking bad, or being wrong or being cast aside dictates your defensiveness. Defensiveness is almost always experienced by others as aggression, which escalates arguments. You may think you are communicating clearly, but you are sending mixed messages. Just like Melissa was.

Mixed Messages

Mixed messages are confusing. Mixed messages are crazy-making. Mixed messages are infuriating. They undermine trust and usually make conflict resolution a very difficult undertaking. In the Conscious Upset Resolution Exercise (CURE) the first thing you do is “inner work” to get to the bottom line of your own part in the upset before having a dialogue with the other person. This is very important because if you are still feeling angry or blaming, but mouthing words of reconciliation or good intent, you will be incongruent.

Invisible Carrier Wave of Emotion

The words of a conversation are transmitted on an invisible carrier wave of emotion. The emotion is more powerful than the words alone. In other words, the emotion is “louder”. Sometimes the emotion is screaming so loudly that you can’t even hear the words that are being said. Consequently, one of the worst things you can do is lie about your feelings or try to hide them. All it does is send mixed messages and makes other feel like they are standing on shaky ground, causing all manner of silent alarms and red alert signals to clamor through their energy field. There is a dreadful, unsettling feelings that comes with that “everything looks okay, why does it feel so bad, where is the danger really coming from?” feeling that usually throbs in your stomach and raises the hackles on your neck.

Just as it is easy to tell when someone is being emotionally incongruent, it can be equally difficult to know when you yourself are doing it. It can be extremely difficult for people who hold a high value for peace or kindness to be honest with themselves, or anyone else for that matter, about their darker emotions. It can generate a deep inner conflict to have “hateful” feelings when you see yourself as a “nice” person. If you have been a victim of emotional violence it can be even more difficult.

If You Want To Be Emotionally Congruent . . .

Over time, people automatically suppress feelings they judge to be “bad.” This leads to acute emotional incongruence. The thing that can be so crazy making is you can’t feel the feelings you are transmitting to others. If you want to be emotionally congruent it is vital that you recognize the importance of learning to feel safe with all your emotions. Look to see the role fear or anger has played in your life.

In the case of Kevin and Melissa, it is likely that Melissa had some old historical feelings triggered by her interaction with Kevin, of which she was unaware. And it was these unconscious feelings being unintentionally transmitted by Melissa to which Kevin was responding by feeling uneasy and like there was more she wanted to say. It is entirely possible that Melissa was being perfectly sincere in her statement that there was nothing more, simply because she was not in touch with her deeper feelings.

It is exactly for this kind of dynamic that we wrote our bestselling book, You’re Never Upset for the Reason You Think. It provides a clear roadmap through this emotionally swampy, highly charged territory and leads you to the high ground of emotional congruence.

The Ten Essential Skills for Co-Creating Conscious Completion

Completing relationships is often one of the most painful experiences of life. Because of this, people tend to avoid dealing with completion altogether. There are four ways we have observed that relationships can be completed; death, drifting apart, abrupt expulsion or ejection from the relationship and conscious completion. Sometimes completion is only about changing the form of the relationship and recreating it, not necessarily the end of the relationship altogether. A good example of this is when parents divorce; they are still responsible for co-parenting. Consequently they are remaining in relationship, albeit a different form than marriage and romance.

When people drift apart, it is often because there were things they were afraid to talk about. The cumulative effect of avoiding important conversations about difficult issues is emotional numbing and distancing. Often, the eventual outcome is drifting apart. Geographical distance can also lead to drifting apart, as well as a lack of common interests.

Sometimes, events occur in relationships that cause a sudden and abrupt end to relationships. An example of this could be a business partnership in which one partner is found committing illegal or unethical acts that compromise the life or reputation of the business and partners involved. Hurt feelings that people don’t have the skills or inclination to talk about and work through, can also lead to an abrupt ending of a relationship.

Much more rare is for relationships to be completed consciously. That is because there is some skill involved and a high level of self-awareness and compassion. We offer for your consideration the following ten essential skills for consciously completing relationships.

1. Be alert to how the completion impacts the identity concerns of everyone involved.

   Our sense of self is very much tied to our most important relationships, whether personal or business, and when an important relationship completes it can have a painful impact on our thoughts and feelings about ourselves. It can cause us to question our conception of reality and our place in it.

2. Acknowledge and integrate the value and learning from the relationship.

   Remember from our soul’s perspective relationships are for learning and creating. If a relationship is completing, it indicates that we have probably learned most of the lessons available for us in that relationship or new creations are calling us to a new path. Completion may be thought of as a graduation.

3. Own up to mistakes without self-invalidation.

   A valuable point of view is to consider that everyone is always doing the best they can with the resources available to them – even you. Undoubtedly, if we had it to do all over again, there is almost always something we would do differently. It’s essential to conscious completion to acknowledge our mistakes. That is a part of the learning.

4. Make apologies.

   Even though we are not responsible for other peoples’ feelings, it is also true that our words and actions have impact on others. If there is any way that you have spoken or behaved that has caused others pain, it is important to know how to make sincere and effective apologies from a place of self-love and compassion for others.
   

5. Redefine your common path – Create a new form for the relationship.

   You may be moving from romantic partner to friend; or from marriage partner to parenting partner; or business partner to belonging to the same associations. The most important part in creating a new form is clarifying the purpose of the new relationship.

6. Articulate the highest spiritual thought about the relationship. This requires looking at your relationship from your soul’s perspective which is beyond time and immediate circumstances. It allows you to acknowledge and appreciate how you have grown and developed in the relationship. There is a feeling of gratitude and blessing about the relationship that acts as a balm, soothing the temporary wounds of separation.
7. Know what you need to feel complete.

   Are there things you need to say or requests you need to make? Are there missing pieces of information that would help you feel complete if you had them? Do you need to offer or ask for forgiveness for anything?

8. Generate a safe space for completion conversation.

   Make sure everything that needs to be said or done for everyone to feel complete is communicated in a spirit of love and dignity. Creating this kind of atmosphere can be challenging when there are hurt feelings and unresolved misunderstanding. It can be valuable to bring in a coach to facilitate the completion conversation.

9. Allow for a healthy expression of grief, fear, anger or any other emotion.

   Learning to be present to someone else’s upset without taking it personally is a high level relationship skill, but it can be learned. It is important because the relationship won’t feel complete without the acknowledgment of important, and often powerful, feelings. You also need to love yourself enough to acknowledge and express your own feelings. Unacknowledged feelings tend to show up in other relationships, which is why this part is so important.

10. Accept and flow with change.

    This is a time for us to acknowledge that we are each the source of our own happiness. This can be an impetus for us to let go of the notion that we need a particular person to actualize our full potential for wellbeing. With every ending there are new beginnings. Trust your own Higher Self who is always guiding you to your greatest good.

What does completion feel like? How do you know when you are consciously complete in a relationship? When you can think of the other person and not have any bad feelings of regret or pain, rather you are able to feel gratitude for all that the relationship was and all that you have learned from it. Completion can feel like anything from neutral (no negative charge) to love and appreciation. Anything less is just not, well, complete.

Last week we learned about the five different kinds of beliefs (Basic, Personal, Authority, Derived and Inconsequential) and which ones can be changed (Personal, Authority, Derived). We were also introduced to Terri, who has just been let down by a man, one more time. And we saw the beliefs Terri has that were triggered by this most recent betrayal.

Now, let’s get down to it and see how to change those undesirable beliefs!

In Terri’s situation, in which she felt betrayed and was lied to by her fiancé, we asked this question: “What kind of beliefs would Terri have to have to create the experience of betrayal and being lied to?” We mentioned two possibilities; I can’t find a man who will love me the way I want and men are untrustworthy liars. It’s also possible that Terri has a belief that she is not lovable and/or does not deserve a lasting, loving relationship. Or that love doesn’t last. Or the men she loves don’t love her.

Terri can begin to change these beliefs in two ways. One is with the use of affirmations and the other is with “choice statements”.

Affirmations are positive thoughts that you intentionally insert into your consciousness (especially your subconscious mind) to produce a desired state or experience in your personal reality. Affirmations can be very effective and powerful when applied properly. So, what is the proper application of affirmations?

The way the old beliefs became implanted in your consciousness was through repetition, i.e., hearing your family and cultural beliefs repeated over and over again, sinking into your subconscious mind until they became a part of you. That’s why these beliefs take on the appearance of “that’s just the way it is”, without questioning. Until, like Terri, you begin to wake up to the subconscious programming that is determining your experience in life and relationships and decide to do something about it.

There is an art to inventing affirmations. Basically, you want to craft a statement that is roughly the opposite of the undesirable experience and reflects the desired experience.

Let’s take Terri’s beliefs, “I can’t find a man who will love me the way I want” and “Men are untrustworthy liars” as an example. If Terri wants to have an experience of being loved the way she wants by a man who is honest and trustworthy, it might sound something like this. “I, Terri, am now attracting into my life an honest, trustworthy man who loves and appreciates me just the way I am.”

Now, this will seem like a lie to the part of her mind that is convinced that not only are there no men in existence like that, but if there were, she couldn’t find them! The project of working with affirmations is to convince your subconscious mind of the truth of your affirmation until it is accepted. The way you know your affirmations are effective is that you begin to see evidence in your experience.

There are two powerful ways of applying affirmations to transform your beliefs at the deepest level. One is with writing and the other is verbally with a partner. Here’s how they work.

When writing affirmations, you want to be sure to work in all three persons, like this:

1. “I, Terri, am now attracting into my life an honest, trustworthy man who loves and appreciates me just the way I am.”
2. “You, Terri, are now attracting into your life an honest, trustworthy man who loves and appreciates you just the way you are.”
3. “Terri is now attracting into her life an honest, trustworthy man who loves and appreciates her just the way she is.”

Number one is the first person, number two is the second person and number three is the third person. Second person affirmations are very powerful because that is how we received much of our programming when we were young. The third person is as if you are overhearing others talk about you.

It is recommended that you write your affirmations three to five times in each person at least once a day.

Working verbally with a partner is very powerful and is a great way to encourage and support one another in your goals and dreams. It works like this. Select an affirmation and say it with feeling to your partner. Your partner will enthusiastically agree with you, then repeat.

After a few rounds in which your partner agrees with you, your partner will then repeat your affirmation back to you, and you agree with them, then repeat your affirmation to them. This process is described in our book, Straight From the Heart, and includes lots of examples of affirmations for relationships.

Now, sometimes the difference between your current reality and the state of being you are affirming is just too great and seems impossible to achieve. When this is the case, you may feel inner resistance to the affirmation, which is counterproductive. That’s when you want to use the “Choices Method”. (The Choices Method was developed by our friend and colleague, Dr. Patricia Carrington, as an advanced form of Emotional Freedom Techniques – EFT. You may learn more about EFT in our online multimedia EFT Training Program – http://www.efttrainingonline.com/)

Here’s the difference between traditional affirmations and Choice Statements. Notice how it feels to say each one aloud.

• “I am wise and discerning.”
• “I choose to be wise and discerning.”
• “I am attractive.
• “I choose to acknowledge my attractive qualities.”
• “I feel peaceful.”
• “I choose to feel peaceful.”
• “I am wealthy and prosperous.”
• “I chose to take steps to become wealthy and prosperous. I am determined.”

For Terri’s affirmation, the Choices Method might sound like this, “I, Terri, now choose to attract into my life an honest, trustworthy man who loves and appreciates me just the way I am.”

You can work with Choice Statements exactly the same way you work with traditional affirmations. You may find working with Choice Statements to be more convincing and more readily accepted by both your conscious and subconscious mind.

Affirmations and Choice Statements are like a grappling hook thrown into the future you desire. You use them to pull what you want to you and you to it.

Working with your beliefs to transform your experience is working at the causal level. Trying to improve your life and relationships any other way is like trying to reach into the mirror to adjust your clothing.

People yearn for relationships they can trust. They want to be able to depend on people. They want relationships characterized by ease, clarity and harmonious cooperation. But, is there any adult who hasn’t felt let down or betrayed by someone who didn’t live up to his or her agreements?

What Is an Agreement?

What is an agreement really? An agreement is a method for coordinating action between two or more people. It is supposed to smooth the way for efficient harmonious interaction. But why do people so frequently not live up to their word? Usually an agreement fails because it does not reflect the true desire and motivation of all the people making the agreement. People who agree to something because they are afraid of what will happen if they don’t agree, will more than likely not follow through, unless they are pressured to do so.

It is important to know that agreements alone will not secure the safety and dependability we all yearn for. For an agreement to be effective the internal motivator that drives it should be so compelling that the people involved are aroused to fulfill their part, of their own volition. In other words, an agreement you can count on has to come from the right place.

Why Am I Agreeing to This?

That means that each person must answer the question, “For the sake of what am I agreeing to this?” This reason needs to be explicit. You can’t assume the same thing motivates everyone. You have to question, discuss and clarify. Successful agreements are always driven by a clear purpose that inspires action. There are two very important things that need to be part of a process for creating agreements that will work. A clear and inspiring purpose for your agreements and a process for restoring trust when an agreement has been broken.

A good purpose statement for sharing household chores might be something like; “We agree to share in household chores so that we can enjoy a relationship that is free from resentment and filled with trust, intimacy, passion and fun!” For business agreements something like, “The purpose of the following agreements is to ignite an unstoppable force for imagination, creativity and collective accomplishment.” It is also a good idea to post this declaration in a place where it will be seen frequently by the participating members, e.g., refrigerator, coffee room, bulletin board.

Once you have crafted an inspiring purpose statement for your agreements and you have listed the agreements, make sure they are consistent with your purpose. Then you need to determine a protocol for handling the inevitable broken agreement. This protocol needs to be something everyone accepts and is willing to use.

Agreements Aren’t Always Kept

Yes, it may be sad but true that even with the best intentions, sometimes agreements aren’t kept. You agree to be on time and you get a flat tire. You agree to pay a special project bonus and your biggest account defaults on a payment. The best kind of protocol is one that quickly restores trust and completely neutralizes any disappointment or hard feelings. This is important because we want to make sure the memory of the event doesn’t carry forward any resentment, blame or guilt. Any of these feelings are toxic to a harmonious future.

We have found that using amendments to restore broken agreements is a stellar solution. When someone does not keep an agreement for whatever reason, they offer an amendment to the other person. It is much better if someone does not have to ask for an amendment, but the person who did not keep the agreement readily offers it.

Apologies and Amendments

An amendment is different from an apology. An apology includes saying “I’m sorry” and how you will handle things differently in the future. An amendment is something you do to make up for whatever disappointment or bad feeling happened when the agreement was not kept as promised. An amendment is not a punishment. It is an opportunity to restore trust. What you offer for an amendment depends on the intensity of inconvenience or distress the other person experienced because you did not keep the agreement as promised.

Imagine someone who is late for a meeting and says upon arrival, “I apologize for being late. I’m sorry you were kept waiting and wondering. How about I bring flowers for the front desk tomorrow to make up for it?” Offering an apology and an amendment is a winning combination. It is a very grown up move that rekindles trust and allows everyone involved to bounce back to a very high level of teamwork.

Amendments work best when they are pleasurable for everyone involved. Treating someone to lunch is a better amendment than cleaning their car, unless of course you enjoy cleaning cars. Buying flowers tomorrow is better than doing a big thing in two or three weeks.

No Big Deal?

Sometimes people want to pretend that the agreement being broken was “no big deal” and an amendment is not necessary. We caution you against this consistent reaction. It sends the wrong message. It is important for people to keep their word, to be accountable for their promises. The ill feelings that come from broken agreements can build up over time. Using amendments is a great way of averting the kind of disastrous blow-ups that happen when people get fed up.

It is a good idea to bring a light heart, a sense of humor and your creativity to the amendment process. Remember the purpose of an amendment is to restore trust and harmony to a relationship.

Written Agreements or Verbal Agreements?

Sometimes people balk at the idea of written agreements. It seems like too much trouble. But if you take a step back and look at most of the failures in your relationships you will probably notice most of them came from lack of clarity and alignment. The hallmark of an enlightened partnership is intentional design. Great relationships don’t just happen, mediocre ones do.

The process of clarifying purpose and agreements is a necessary part of the design process for relationships. The conversations you will have will illuminate what is truly important to each person. This knowledge is essential in creating relationships that work well over the long term. If you create agreements that reflect the authentic motivation of each person and you plan for predictable breakdowns in a way that fosters accountability you can relax into a new certainty and trust in your most important relationships.

Top Ten Practices of Enlightened Relationships

Relationships are in many ways like real, seagoing ships. Just like a sailing vessel needs regular, constant care and upkeep, your relationships need regular care and upkeep. The crew of a sailing ship is knowledgeable in the standard practices of seamanship, which is absolutely required to maintain a ship’s seaworthiness. Unfortunately, most people are not knowledgeable in the standard practices of maintaining their relation-ships.

Yet, most people in relationships of any kind are usually focused on the goals of the relationship, whether building a life or a business or a community center. There is very little attention paid to the relation-ship itself. And often, somewhere along the voyage of life, the relation-ship is unable to withstand the inevitable and predictable storms of life that can damage both the individuals in the relationship and the relation-ship itself. Maintaining a strong, stable, satisfying relation-ship requires knowledge and skill – neither of which is commonly taught in our culture.

Enlightened relationships are distinguished both by the shared vision that guides the relationship as well as the standard practices of its partners. Enlightened relationships are created and maintained through specific standard practices. Unfortunately, these practices are uncommon in a popular culture gripped by fear and ignorance. But, through the commitment to learn and use these practices, the individuals and the relationship are elevated to new heights that uplift and evolve the soul.

Below we offer for your consideration the Top Ten Practices of Enlightened Relationships to help you in building and maintaining strong, durable and enlightened relationships.

1. Write down the purpose and desired results for your relationship. A relationship without a stated purpose and intended results is like a ship setting sail without a chart or plotted course. The purpose should be stated in a way that lifts the spirit of all partners.
2. Make choices grounded in love rather than fear. Become aware of your automatic reactions that are based in fear and look for the love choice instead. Ask yourself, what would love do or say in this situation?
3. Mutually agree upon strategies for dealing with predictable break-downs, i.e., miscommunications, upsets or disagreements and use them when needed. It is important to have these strategies in place before the breakdowns occur. It is difficult, if not impossible, to create and implement them in the middle of a breakdown.
4. Commit to win/win outcomes; don’t settle for anyone being the loser. For the relationship to win, all participants in the relationship need to win. If anyone in the relationship loses, the entire relationship loses. Keep asking questions that lead you to the win/win outcome.
5. Practice “high performance” communication from the heart. People respond positively to the expression of heart-felt truth because it builds trust, even if they don’t agree with it. High performance communication involves four specific skills, plus the ability to listen without judgment for the concerns of the other person that may be hidden behind their words.
6. Assume personal responsibility for your emotional reality and refrain from blame. Blame and projection will pollute the emotional climate of a partnership faster than anything.
7. Take the initiative for the satisfaction of your own needs and wants and make clear requests of others that inspire their cooperation. Don’t wait for people to guess what will make you happy. Nobody likes to endure demands or covert manipulation.
8. Share power rather than struggle for it. Let go of the need to be right all the time. Value others ideas and perceptions as being as valid as your own. Heal your unresolved power/authority issues from the past.
9. See problems as opportunities. Every problem contains the gift of spiritual development within it. Learn to unwrap the package.
10. Nurture a conscious relationship with your Soul. The more spiritually attuned you are, the more enlightened you and your relationships will be.

How Do We Reach Intimacy?

Each person seems to understand the intimate experience in his or her own way. In a sense it takes a journey of personal discovery to learn how to share intimacy with another person. Here are some guidelines that may help to define that journey –

Know Your Self: Get in touch with your own private experiences. In our stressed-out world this is often hard to do because our attention is directed outward much of the time. It helps to sit – doing nothing and being distracted by nothing – and spend time in reflection and introspection. Observe your thoughts and feelings. The brain has pleasure centers – close your eyes and imagine yourself experiencing pleasure. Become familiar with those parts of yourself that are strong and that feel whole and integrated. Learn to feel comfortable with the part of yourself that senses calmness, confidence and peace. (Some people like to spend a few minutes every night before bed, perhaps with just a candle burning, reflecting on the events of the day. Others prefer to keep a daily journal of their private thoughts and feelings.) Until you know your own private feelings, it is difficult to share them with someone else.

We cannot expect to be intimate with another when we are out of touch with our own internal experiences.

Communicate With Another Person: Share what you know about yourself with another person who can be trusted. This involves several steps. First, you need a sense of commitment to that person. Strangers passing through your life are not the appropriate people with whom to share your deepest feelings. Intimacy has to be reserved for a person who will be there over the long haul — a close friend, a partner, a family member, or, if we’re lucky, a soul mate. You also need a feeling of trust. If the other person is not able to appreciate the delicacy of what you are sharing, it is futile to try to achieve intimacy. In the worst case, your words might be held against you later, which can be damaging and may lead to cynicism and distrust. Knowing whom to trust involves acquiring good judgment about other people. A trustworthy person is one who can honor and respect you for sharing your most intimate experiences. Finally, understand that intimacy involves making yourself vulnerable. The guarded and defensive person will never find true intimacy. Finding intimacy means taking a risk, opening yourself up, sharing the most personal part of yourself with another person. Can the other person handle it? Can the other person care? If they can, you are no longer alone.

Intimacy Is Reciprocal: A healthy intimate relationship is one in which both partners know themselves and are able to come together with a sense of equality. Certain relationships are not meant to be reciprocal (the coach/client relationship, for example, often involves a high level of deeply personal communication, but this is primarily on the part of the client). Perhaps the most intense and lasting levels of intimacy are achieved when both partners are able to share equally with each other. As the listener, you have to be able to honor and respect the openness, vulnerability, and courage of the one who is communicating personal ideas and emotions. Value judgments, criticisms, and advice-giving have no place in intimate communication. The goal is to appreciate and acknowledge the validity of the other person’s deepest feelings. If you are aware of your own thoughts and feelings, you may then have the ability to appreciate similar experiences on the part of the other person.

Value judgments, criticisms, and unasked for advice-giving have no place in intimate communication.

Keep the Light Alive: Once two people have entered into a deep level of sharing, they usually want to stay there. If there is true equality between the two, they achieve a balance which feels right and which they don’t want to lose. If, however, one of the partners feels the need to lessen the level of intimacy, the probability of conflict increases. You can avoid misunderstandings by maintaining your commitment and trust during these natural cycles that occur within any relationship. Intimacy takes work and a sense of maturity. To shirk the responsibility of keeping an intimate relationship alive invites a return to isolation.

The intimate relationship is healthy. Intimacy allows us to end loneliness and to share the deepest and most personal parts of ourselves with a trusted partner. As social beings, we respond physically to the experience of intimacy. People who have intimate relationships live longer and healthier lives and they report more personal happiness and satisfaction with the way they live. Intimacy gives us a feeling of comfort, security, and a sense of being loved and accepted. It gives us the freedom and support to stay true to the special qualities that define each one of us as a unique person.

Good Relationship Coaching can allow us to explore our own deepest and most intimate feelings in a safe and accepting setting with a professional trained to understand these inner processes. We can learn to stay true to our uniqueness and to feel comfortable in sharing our authenticity with another person. We can explore who can be trusted, and who can’t, as well as the features of our lives that may have led us to hide ourselves from others. Relationship coaching has the potential to teach us how to break out of isolation and loneliness into a world of love and acceptance. It prepares us to explore an intimate relationship outside of the coaching setting.

The Healthy Benefits of Intimacy

A number of research studies have shown persuasively that people in intimate relationships live longer and happier lives than those who are not.

• For example, we know that people in marriages or other committed relationships live longer than people who are single.
• In one classic study researchers found that 95 percent of people who described their parents as uncaring had diseases by midlife,while only 29 percent of those who described their parents as caring had midlife diseases. Having supportive and close relationships with parents in our childhoods leads to healthier relationships in general when we grow up, and it is these healthier adult relationships that are linked to a lower prevalence of heart disease and cancer in midlife. In other words, one can compensate for a deprived childhood by learning later in life how to sustain supportive relationships.
• In another series of studies, researchers found that people who are socially isolated are two to five times more likely to die prematurely than those who have a sense of connection and community.
• A study at the University of Texas looked at patients who had undergone open-heart surgery.
• Those who had neither ongoing group participation nor were able to derive strength from their religion were more than seven times more likely to have died six months after their surgery.
• Women with metastatic breast cancer were assigned to support groups which met once a week for a year. The women in the support groups lived twice as long as those who were not in these groups.
• One study has even found that people with fewer relationships of any kind (e.g., friendship, a partner, family, work, social groups, religious affiliations) were four times as likely to develop a common cold as those who had more relationships.
• Interestingly, research showed that people with pets are healthier than people without them and have to make fewer visits to doctors.

Trusting Well

It is difficult to achieve intimacy in a relationship unless we have the ability to trust. We tend to focus on other people when we think about trust – that is, we might ask, who out there can be trusted and who cannot? But it may be more helpful to look inside and to think about trust also as something that we do well, or not. Some people grow up with a good ability to trust appropriately, and others, because of their needs and life experiences, have more difficulty with this issue..

Having a good eye for trust involves having a healthy sense of our own identities – and this means having a positive self-image, the ability to value ourselves and our decisions, and a good sense for protecting our own boundaries. We need to know what we stand for and what is best for us. Trust also involves acquiring a knack for making good judgments. When we have the self-confidence that comes with knowing and liking ourselves, as well as the ability to make life-enhancing decisions, we should be able to decide fairly easily about whom to trust.

Trust between two people emerges from a process of mutual self-disclosure – we gradually reveal more and more about ourselves to the other person until the relationship achieves a sense of intimacy. The first person self-discloses only to the degree that the other person has, in a series of steps. A good balance is maintained between both people. If this balance is disrupted, it is difficult to maintain trust. For example, if one person reveals everything all at once and the other person reveals nothing at all, the balance is broken – and neither party will be able to trust the other. The building of trust is a mutual process that takes time. We feel comfortable revealing things about ourselves when the other person has shown that he or she is willing to take the same risk.

Some people trust blindly. They reveal everything all at once, expecting that the other person will be able to reciprocate immediately. What is more likely is that the other person will feel overwhelmed and may back off from closeness. People who trust blindly may want to look into issues like boundaries, self-image and why they need to be so close so quickly.

Other people find it difficult to trust at all. They may feel protected, but the walls are so high that they may never find an intimate relationship – and what a price to pay for protection! People who have difficulty with opening themselves to trust may want to look into the pain that may have closed them off – and they may want to look into ways of improving their communication skills. The rewards of intimacy are well worth it.

We call it selfing, neither selfish nor selfless, but the perfect balance between the two. Selfing is the skill of being true to yourself and being in balance with your commitments to others. It can be a special challenge if your world is filled with many wonderful opportunities to say “yes” to and it feels difficult to choose between them. Or, it can be difficult if you have a hard time saying “no” to people. It can be helpful to remember that every time you say “yes” to something, you are also saying “no” to something or someone else, maybe without being aware of it. Many people are over-committed and they haven’t recognized it yet. They are simply feeling the symptoms. The symptoms are recurrently feeling conflicted in what you “should” do as compared to what you “want” to do. Feeling exhausted. Feeling guilty because you are afraid you are letting others down. Not having enough time. Feeling resentful. Feeling like the weight of the world is resting on your shoulders.

If you have any of these feelings, it’s time to take your life back. It’s time to collect your personal energy and redistribute it according to your priorities. Take your power back from the invisible tyrannies of a material culture that says – “more, more, faster faster is a better way of life.” Needing others’ approval more than your own is it’s own kind of tyranny. Needing to accommodate others desires at your own expense can be another, or living your life according to other peoples’ terms of success. Take your life back and recommit it to the people and activities that bring you the most peace, happiness and long-term satisfaction.

1. Take some time and write down the relationships and activities that bring you the most peace, satisfaction and a sense of deep meaning in your life. Be sure to include time for regenerating and inspiring yourself.
2. Then write down how much time you spend in those activities or honoring and nurturing those relationships? Does it seem like you aren’t giving enough to these areas?
3. Create the time to honor your priorities. Perhaps you may have to start declining some invitations or scheduling your time better and then sticking to it. Perhaps you may have to set some new boundaries with friends or co-workers.
4. Write down the obstacles to re-ordering your life to your true priorities.
5. Create a strategy to overcome the obstacles. Get help from a friend or coach if you need it.
6. Refuse the efforts of others to manipulate, control or produce guilt in you. Be willing to upset the status quo for a while till things find a new and healthier balance.
7. Commit to loving yourself enough to stay on track with this new resolve.

In the end, your life belongs to you. If you don’t take care of it, you will suffer and everyone who really cares about you will suffer. The high art of self-love and self-care cannot be delegated.

Here is a story that seems fitting to this theme:

Take Time To Notice

I had a very special teacher in high school many years ago whose husband unexpectedly died suddenly of a heart attack. About a week after his death, she shared some of her insight with a classroom of students.

As the late afternoon sunlight came streaming in through the classroom windows and the class was nearly over, she moved a few things aside on the edge of her desk and sat down there. With a gentle look of reflection on her face, she paused and said, “Before class is over, I would like to share with all of you a thought that is unrelated to class, but which I feel is very important. Each of us is put here on earth to learn, share, love, appreciate and give of ourselves. None of us knows when this fantastic experience will end. It can be taken away at any moment. Perhaps this is God’s way of telling us that we must make the most out of every single day.”

Her eyes beginning to water, she went on, “So I would like you all to make me a promise. From now on, on your way to school, or on your way home, find something beautiful to notice. It doesn’t have to be something you see — it could be a scent — perhaps of freshly baked bread wafting out of someone’s house, or it could be the sound of the breeze slightly rustling the leaves in the trees, or the way the morning light catches one autumn leaf as it falls gently to the ground. Please look for these things, and cherish them. For, although it may sound trite to some, these things are the ‘stuff’ of life. The little things we are put here on earth to enjoy. The things we often take for granted. We must make it important to notice them, for at any time… it can all be taken away.”

The class was completely quiet. We all picked up our books and filed out of the room silently.

That afternoon, I noticed more things on my way home from school than I had that whole semester. Every once in a while, I think of that teacher and remember what an impression she made on all of us, and I try to appreciate all of those things that sometimes we all overlook. Take notice of something special you see on your lunch hour today. Go barefoot. Or walk on the beach at sunset. Stop off on the way home tonight to get a double-dip ice cream cone. For as we get older, it is not the things we did that we often regret, but the things we didn’t do.

(Author Unknown)

Are you noticing a dwindling affinity in your professional and community partnerships? Has the love drained right out of your romantic relationship? Do you feel less connected than you used to? Do you “know” that you love each other, but you just don’t “feel” it in quite the same way any more? Or, are you afraid of involvement because you fear “losing yourself” in a relationship? Do you often feel resentful of family members or friends?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you may have a the emotional equivalent of a “cancer” in your relationships – the cancer of resentment. Resentment seethes silently in relationships, slowly destroying intimacy and trust and finally, love. You hardly notice as it quietly eats away at the vitality of your relationships, partly because it is so subtle in the beginning. Yet behind the veil of your conscious mind it mushrooms out of control, fed by unconscious habits.

And what is the typical source of this resentment? In a word, sacrifice. That’s right, sacrifice. It is a law of relationships that sacrifice leads to resentment and guilt in your relationships. The tendency of sacrifice is giving to get, which is always a breeding ground for resentment and guilt.

What do we mean by sacrifice? Our definition of sacrifice is simply doing something for someone else that you don’t really want to do. Sacrifice is motivated out of the fear of what will happen if you don’t give. You see, your guilty thoughts make you think that you should sacrifice for the well being of others. Sacrifice is based upon the idea that you are supposed to love others more than you love yourself. So, people confuse love with sacrifice. And, if your parents (or whoever raised you) taught you that sacrifice is love (as our culture certainly teaches all of us) you will get upset or feel unloved if others won’t sacrifice for you.

There is a wheel of sacrifice that crushes everyone who gets on it. It goes like this:

1. When you sacrifice (do something you don’t really want to do for fear of what will happen if you don’t) you have
2. An unspoken expectation (e.g., that they will sacrifice for you later or regard you in a particular way or love you more) that creates hidden agendas, but, you get
3. Disappointed because they fail to fulfill their end of the bargain (e.g., love you the way you want them to or do what you want them to) so, you become
4. Resentful, perhaps angry (after all I’ve done for you!) which leads inevitably to
5. Guilt (because resentment is an attack on the other and attack always boomerangs on us at some level) so, the best way to atone for your guilt is to
6. Sacrifice some more to prove what a good and loving person you really are. And ’round and ’round you go on the wheel of sacrifice.

How do you get off this vicious circle? Three ways:

1. Use forgiveness to heal your guilty thoughts and feelings (the root of your impulse to sacrifice.)
2. Stop sacrificing, create a new understanding in your relationships that sacrifice is toxic and agree not to do it anymore or expect others to do it for you which means you have the freedom to say no without losing love.
3. Make clear requests and have your expectations be explicit.

Now, clearly there is a fine line between sacrifice and service. Real service, or giving, has no strings attached and expects nothing in return later. The reward is in the experience of the giving itself.

Sacrifice can be a difficult pattern to break because our entire culture is geared toward sacrificial love. Just reading about this idea may make you very uncomfortable because it goes to the very heart of the Judeao-Christian ethic, as we have learned it. But, when you look at it closely and dispassionately it is easy to see that sacrifice is not love at all, but in fact diminishes the experience of real, authentic love over time in a relationship.

Can you imagine what your relationships might be like if no one sacrificed, but only did what they wanted to do? It might be hard to imagine if that is all you have ever known. Think of it like this – the people you love and who love you would be in your life because they really chose to be there, not because they felt obligated to be there. Obligation is sacrifices twin sister. Obligation makes us think we need each other (in psychologically unhealthy ways) rather than choosing freely to relate with each other.

When we first created our relationship we were aware of this pattern and made some choices and agreements to help us overcome it, because we knew that if we perpetuated sacrifice and obligation in our relationship, it would kill our love with resentment. Our own relationship would succumb to the cultural cancer of resentment. So, we agreed to always tell each other the truth and that we would only do in our relationship what we really wanted to do. We also agreed not to get angry and withhold our love if one of us said no to the other. And it was not always easy, but we were very diligent, which is one of the reasons we are still together today. We really choose to be together and our love is very much alive.

The idea we are presenting here is a big idea. It is huge. It goes against our cultural upbringing that says you know someone loves you to the degree that they are willing to do things for you that they don’t really want to do. And if they decline to do them, it means they don’t love you. This has probably been used by all of us at one time or another as emotional blackmail. You know, “If your really loved me, you would . . .”

Sacrifice masquerades as a virtue in our culture. Because of how deeply this is ingrained, you may experience enormous resistance to getting this. And you may not. Even if you don’t, it is important to be aware that many people do.

In our next installment, we will talk about some solutions if you find yourself sacrificing and resentful in your relationships. We will also offer some alternative ways to “be” in your relationships to help you create relationships free from sacrifice and resentment, so your relationships can be “sacrifice free zones”! That way you learn the fine art of being true to yourself and the partnerships you create.

What does Conscious Evolution mean? In part, it means that you are evolving. Your experience of yourself is evolving. Who you are now is in the process of becoming something even greater than who you are in this present moment and you can participate knowingly in this process.

There is greatness in you being called forth. Your partnerships are the womb of this greatness. You are like the caterpillar that goes into a chrysalis to become the butterfly. Your partnerships are the place where you evolve into the best you that you can be.

Recognizing that your partnerships provide you with a powerful opportunity for your personal and spiritual growth, you can truly take advantage of the opportunities present in your partnerships if you share a commitment to use your relationship with each other for your mutual growth and evolution.

Like this:

• when you practice high performance communication,

  
  

• when you know where you are within the five stages of partnership,

  
  

• when you are using a proven model to consciously design your partnership to be the way you want it to be,

  
  

• when you can use your present time upsets to help you resolve your unresolved issues from the past, and you and your partner have an agreement to be allies with each other in bringing out the best in one another,

  
  

• then you are practicing conscious evolution and living in a powerful partnership.

Assuming radical personal responsibility is like accepting a mantle of spiritual power and wisdom. It elevates you to the understanding that you are not a victim of life, your life and your partnerships don’t happen to you. Your partnerships are a reflection of your own consciousness.

Your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, attitudes and behaviors are creative factors in your life. If you will assume responsibility for the quality of those factors you can also assume responsibility for the results. That means you can have some creative control over the quality of your life and relationships.

You can be the author of your own experience. We call it radical because it is so uncommon in our culture. It represents a paradigm shift, a radical shift in your understanding of how things actually work to create your experience of reality.

This power comes with a price tag though. The price is giving up blame. Blame, you know that addictive elixir we gulp down in excess when people won’t do what we want them to do. Blame is most difficult to let go of when we are having an upset with someone.

Now, here is something that is very important to understand. Upsets, disagreements, misunderstandings, miscommunications and breakdowns are inevitable, predictable and unavoidable in your partnerships. Now, why in the world would we say something like that? What about positive thinking?

Just look into your own experience. Haven’t you had upsets and disagreements despite your best intentions and despite your positive thinking? Unfortunately, good intentions and positive thinking are not enough to avoid or prevent upsets and misunderstandings.

They are a fact of life in human relationships at this stage of our evolutionary development. What is really required is a new way of interpreting these events. And that requires the knowledge and skill necessary to truly use them as opportunities for healing and spiritual growth.

It is extremely important to have a mutually agreed upon, pre-determined means for handling disagreements before they occur. If you wait until after you are upset or angry with one another to figure out how you are going to resolve it, you are setting yourself up for difficulty.

It’s kind of like a novice skydiver trying to learn the best way of landing after they have already jumped out of the plane. Poor planning in that instance is sure to end in a bumpy landing. Luckily you don’t have to re-invent the wheel. There are a variety of conflict resolution techniques you can employ.

We share one that we have perfected over the years, called the Conscious Upset Resolution Exercise (CURE), in our best selling book; You’re Never Upset for the Reason You Think. You may learn more about it in our website bookstore. The most important thing is to agree on the method you will use, before you need it.