I sat next to the bed of old man, a friend for over twenty years, and held his hand. Hal was dying. We both knew these next few days would be his last.

We spent time reminiscing about his long and fruitful career as a church pastor. We talked about old friends. We chatted about his family. And I listened as he offered sage wisdom and advice to a member of a “younger generation.”

At a lull in the conversation, Hal seemed to carefully consider what he was about to say next. Then he squeezed my hand, gazed intently into my eyes and whispered, just loud enough for me to hear, “Nothing is more important than relationships.” I knew that this was somehow near the pinnacle of his life’s learnings. As he considered all of his experiences — personal, professional, spiritual and family, this one ultimate observation surfaced above the rest: “Nothing is more important than relationships.”

“Don’t get overly caught up in your career,” he seemed to be saying to me. “Likewise, don’t use people in order to achieve your goals, then throw them away. No project, no program, no task should be pursued at the expense of friends and family. Remember,” I heard him saying, as clearly as if he were speaking the words, “that in the end, only your relationships will truly matter. Tend them well.”

Writer Og Mandino puts it this way: “Beginning today,” he said, “treat everyone you meet as if he or she were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do so with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.”

At the end of a long life, my friend Hal would have agreed.

 Copyright  © Steve Goodier

We have certainly experienced a tremendous amount of love and support since Paul’s “heart episode” last month. Most of it has come in the form of e-mails, cards and phone calls. Some of it by local friends chaufferring Paul to various medical appointments.  And some of it even in the form of unexpected material assistance from tequila to checks! (The tequila was actually prescribed by Paul’s surgeon.)

Learning to ask for help has been a life-long process for both of us. We like to think we are better at it now, although there was not as much asking on our part recently as there was simply the spontaneous generosity of giving by people who love and care about us. We learned how much of a gift it can be to others to ALLOW them to give of themselves out of their own areas of abundance.

Below is a piece by Steve Goodier about giving and receiving help that seemed relevent. We hope you enjoy it.

Some people never need help. One man caught his foot in railroad tracks. He tried to pull it out, but his efforts only seemed to make matters worse.

He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. In a panic he prayed, “Dear God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I’ll stop my heavy drinking and smoking!”

Nothing happened. He was still stuck, and the train showed no sign of slowing.

So he prayed again, “Oh, Lord, please get my foot out and I’ll stop drinking and smoking and carousing and cussing!”

Still nothing. He tugged and pulled as the train bore down. In sheer desperation, he pled for help a final time. “Lord, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I’ll do anything! I’ll … I’ll … I’ll become a minister!

Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he got up and dusted himself off as the train whizzed by. Then he looked toward Heaven and said, “Never, mind, Lord, I got it out myself.”

Some people seemingly never need help from anyone. They rarely call on friends or even family to lend a hand. They seldom, if ever, confide in a good listener. They seem to believe they should be completely self sufficient; that needing assistance is an unwelcome weakness.

But others find great value in occasionally asking for assistance, and in offering it, too. Needing help, even once in a while, reminds them that they were not meant to journey this life alone. It is a group outing, not a private experience.

Those who find help when they need it are fortunate. But those who give help generously are the most fortunate of all. Few experiences can produce a sense of joy and satisfaction like that of truly easing the burden of another human being, with no thought of return. Fact is… when we help someone else, we can hardly help but be happy. At those magical times we may wonder who really helped whom!

Copyright  © Steve Goodier

It’s June 1 and this is our first blog post of the year! It’s not our usual style to have such a lapse in communication with our readers, but there’s a good reason for it that we’ll touch on briefly.

We find ourselves in the same place so many people are in now-a-days, looking at how to adapt to changing life conditions. For some people what has changed is their house blew away in a tornado. For others, they have lost their job and they have to find a new way of making an income. For some it’s just an eerie feeling outside their peripheral sensors that something needs to change because their life just doesn’t “feel right” anymore.

But, no matter what the changing life conditions are, the challenge is essentially the same. That is, “How can I/we make the best choices for everyone concerned while staying true to our Soul’s purpose?”

When we first took our work from seminar rooms to teleclasses on the Internet and from our consultation room to telephone coaching, we had the distinct pleasure and privilege of learning directly from “the father of modern professional coaching” himself, Thomas Leonard (http://www.bestofthomas.com/blog/).

We ran across an article he wrote about a decade ago, that speaks  to our current needs and it sparked some new thinking for us.

In this article he distinguishes the difference between living a life and having a lifestyle. He poses a key question worth asking ourselves, “How much of my life is being consumed by my lifestyle?”

Thomas suggests that “Lifestyles are expensive to support and can prevent you from evolving.”

He continues, “If you’re living paycheck to paycheck and supporting your lifestyle more than saving money, your lifestyle is too expensive. You’re trapped in it; you must keep working in the job you have, in order to afford your lifestyle. As long as you feel the pull to fund a lifestyle and you can’t afford to stop working, your rate of development/evolution will be much slower than it could be. Rapid personal development occurs when you have the time, space and reserves to afford to experiment with new ways of thinking, working and living. If you’re living wonderfully, yet close to the edge, you can’t really afford to progress in some very important ways, and you probably won’t be attractive. A lifestyle is generally seductive; a person is attractive. Take your pick. (Note: If you have plenty of reserves, enjoy your lifestyle completely! But if not, simplify.)”

To clarify the above, what Thomas means when he says “you probably won’t be attractive” doesn’t have anything to do with your physical attractiveness or the way you look. He’s referring to your capacity to attract what you want into your life.

Spoken like the true visionary financial planner he was!

The concern Thomas points out here is one that we are not only seeing in many of our friends, colleagues and clients of late, but we are also confronting this in our own life.

Sometimes we find ourselves in difficult circumstances due to our own shortsightedness, sometimes out of being thrust into unexpected life circumstances brought about by conditions totally outside of our control.

Who of us hasn’t witnessed the recent destruction wrought by the forces of nature? When events occur that are beyond our comprehension we usually are left to our automatic, reflexive interpretations, which isn’t usually the best approach!

It was about a year ago now that Paul experienced the aggravation of a hidden health condition that resulted in his not being able to work at his usual pace.

His health continued to be a problem throughout last summer and up to the present. One of the most frustrating things about that was the fact that not one doctor or health care practitioner could give us a definitive diagnosis.

One of the most alarming symptoms of Paul’s illness, besides the physical pain, was loss of memory and cognitive function, making it difficult to continue working in our business. Mounting medical expenses without positive results were also taking their toll.

Clearly, something had to give as this was (and continues) taking a toll on every part of our life — and our lifestyle. Only now are we in a place where we are beginning to have enough perspective to write about it.

It has long been our practice as teachers, coaches and authors to communicate as transparently as possible from our own experience. We are not academics or theoreticians, we are researchers, experimenters and practitioners, using our own lives and relationship, workshops and trainings, as our laboratory.

Having been in the public eye working face to face with groups large and small, our successes and failures, learning experiences all, were in plain sight for all to see. Everything became grist for the mill and real life teaching examples, all
gladly shared.

In short, Paul’s illness has brought both of us to the limit of our resources financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Over the last few months we have moved from living on the edge to falling off of it.

We have some tough choices to make. Choices become clearer by asking questions.

Our questions are:

Moving from Santa Fe? As it turns out, Santa Fe is not the best place for Paul to heal. Should
we rent our house or let it go?

Change our work in some way? Should Layne find some corporate work or should we both stay focused on our vision to bring affordable evolutionary relationship education to the global marketplace via the Internet? Can we do both at the same time?

Change our lifestyle in some way? Well, that leads us to more questions. How? What could that look like? How can we stay true to our values of soulful relating, love and contribution to the greater whole, while we make some BIG changes in the way our life is designed?

Our question for you is:

How can you find the important choice points that will take you to a future of fulfillment AND also help you navigate the seas of change you find yourself in?

Even though it may feel like you’re on a big river as it accelerates directly into the rapids, and your adrenaline is high because there’s a lot at stake, it’s important to find the calm center inside of you and get some spiritual perspective. Clarify
your choice points by asking yourself and your loved ones some new, life changing questions. Be alert to the tendency to become gripped by any automatic, reflexive interpretations from your past that could limit your creativity and resourcefulness and could make things worse.

Here are a few questions you might consider to jump start your thinking:

• Am I working to maintain a lifestyle or am I truly living my life?
• Am I pushing myself so hard that it limits my ability to be present with the people and experiences I love – and that I say I am working hard for?
• What could I give up right now that is costing me too much, either financially or energetically?
• What couldhappen if I re-evaluated the choices that have brought me to this point?

Please share with us and our other readers some of the powerful questions you have asked yourself below.

And stay tuned for continued updates and new content . . .

The Learning Conversation – Taking the Path to Healing

Healing the past with family members is one of the most challenging relationship issues that exist, because there is so much at stake. In our book, Straight From The Heart, we say that truth is love’s doorway. In other words, when we are honest and open about our true thoughts and feelings, it creates a safe environment in which love and affinity can flourish.

One of the things we have found in our work over the years is that very often the things that people cannot or will not talk about end up destroying the affinity and capacity for emotional depth in a relationship. People go through the motions of relating but without any authentic deep connection. They love each other in concept more than in real experience.

It is important not only to be honest in your relationships, but also to be the kind of person with whom it is safe to be honest. If you get angry and upset whenever someone tells you something you don’t like to hear, pretty soon people get the message that it is not safe to be honest with you.

Speaking your truth and listening to the truth of others is not always an easy thing to do. It is not always easy to know how to deal with an unpleasant truth you might hear, or to deal with another’s reaction to a differing truth of yours. For this reason, among others, that so many people decide it is better to hold back and tell people what they think they want to hear. The only problem with that is that it doesn’t allow wither of you to get vital information that could foster trust, intimacy, creativity or healing in the relationship.

Creating a Learning Conversation – In our book, You’re Never Upset for the Reason You Think, we offer this conversation wheel to guide the learning conversation.

As relationship coaches for thirty-five years we have seen that most upsets occur because of misperceptions and miscommunications. Upsets happen because people are using different and conflicting information on which to base their opinions and interpretations.

People usually do the best they can with the knowledge they have. But both people probably have different perceptions, feelings, identity concerns, beliefs, attitudes, and histories that have contributed to the interpretations that generate upsets.

Unless you share this information with one another, you will rarely be able to get on the same page with each other. It will always feel “off” in some way when you try to relate. And over time you simply settle for less closeness than you used to share with them.

In the learning conversation, you sort through the differences and use the information to learn about one another, exploring how you have both participated in a way that produced the upset. You use this information to avoid a similar upset in the future and to build a deeper level of understanding and trust in your relationship. It is crucial for you to be as interested in hearing from them as you are in telling your side of things.

It is always helpful to voice your intention for the dialogue, because your intention greatly determines the quality of your exchange. If your intention is to make them wrong or punish them for what you feel they “did to you,” they are going to feel that, no matter what else you might say. Make sure you truly intend to generate a learning conversation; don’t just pay it lip service.

If you can transform blame into personal responsibility you have a chance to realize the higher purpose in all your relationships, which is to learn, heal the past and evolve into the best version of yourself possible. To do this you need to generate mutual learning conversations rather than just getting stuff off your own chest.

In our view, the four most important pieces in a learning conversation are personal responsibility, individual perceptions, feelings and identity concerns.

The Personal Responsibility Conversation is extremely important in transmuting the fear of being blamed into safety and understanding. Until people truly see how they are responsible for a part of the upset, the best they can hope for is just paying lip service to a misguided concept of personal responsibility.

Too often people preface a blaming conversation with the words, “I know I have responsibility in this but…” and then they insert all the blame they still feel they have a right to. Most of the time they don’t even realize they are blaming the other. They think they are just telling the truth about their feelings. Personal responsibility is more than a concept it is a skill set. A set of skills most people haven’t learned.

The Perception Conversation has to do with sorting through one another’s different views on the same issue. It is important to avoid arguing about whose truth is more valid than the other. Let it be okay that you remember things differently. Simply be curious about how they see it without playing a right/wrong game. Try being a loving witness to their experience rather than comparing their truth to your own. Allow theirs to be different from yours. And don’t argue about the different versions. Endeavor to understand that there are different versions that lead to different interpretations of the same event.

The Feelings Conversation is delicate and potentially volatile. If someone’s deep feelings haven’t been dealt with internally, they tend to leak out into the learning conversation in a variety of ways, sarcasm, guilt tripping, defensiveness, judgments, shutting down, withdrawing and misperceptions and even an escalation into argument. We cannot emphasize enough the importance of dealing with feelings openly in safe and appropriate ways, where everyone has some competence in the skill of personal responsibility.

Creating a safe climate for all parties to engage in the feelings conversation is an art well worth learning. There are specific dos and don’ts that make this emotional minefield much easier to navigate.

The Identity Conversation highlights how the issue and the way it is being dealt with impacts the self concept of each participant. The question, “What does this mean about me?” is lurking just below the conscious level of awareness, and both your minds are tending to leap to all kinds of conclusions. Often, both parties are concerned that their sense of self will be painfully impacted. Try to be sensitive to how the upset may be affecting others sense of self in ways they may be unaware of.

During the healing dialogue, both your interpretations will probably change as your understanding of the other deepens. It is ideal if you can both interpret the upset as an opportunity to grow, seeing that now you understand each other better and will probably have a better relationship because of it.

We all want the holidays to be beautiful and filled with love and joy. But, more often than not we are stressed by too much to do in too little time, obligations we would much rather avoid and unresolved family issues bubbling to the surface of our awareness or even erupting in our relationships. If any of these seem to come along with the holidays for you, we have some solutions to make this holiday a whole lot better.

Not enough time? – Create your idea of the perfect holiday season this year.  It is often difficult to observe how our culture affects our thinking. We often blindly follow the dictates of social custom without any deep thinking. These cultural or societal values show up in our minds as “supposed tos”. For example, “The holidays are supposed to be a time to give gifts” or “The holidays are supposed to be spent with the family.”

Want to know what beliefs are stored in your own mind? Try this simple exercise. Write at the top of a piece of blank paper:

The holidays are supposed to be _______________.

Then if you like, do this one.

During the holidays I must ______________.

Then with a free flow of consciousness pour your responses onto the page. Repeat the statement after each written response until you run out of responses.

Then read over what you have written with a discerning eye. Are the things you wrote absolutely true? Are you aware of where you got these ideas? Is there any merit to thinking beyond these ideas and re-creating your current version of the perfect holiday season for this year, unfettered by the rules of the past?

If so, then see how you can design this year’s holiday to be as enjoyable as possible. Discuss it with your loved ones and come to a mutual agreement for this season.

Too many obligations? Look to see how you can shorten the list. Are the obligations parties? Work related? A long gift list with shopping, wrapping and shipping involved? Are any of them optional? Could you have a good holiday season without fulfilling any of the obligations? Can you relieve yourself of any of the obligations without undesirable consequences? Can you decline any of them without feeling guilty?

Unresolved Family issues? Is there a way for you turn your complaints into requests?

For example, “My brother always spends a lot of money on gifts and I can’t compete with that,” could be translated into a request that sounds like a brief phone conversation where you say, “This year I’d like to suggest that we give one another cards where we acknowledge what we appreciate or love about one another. We could read them out loud around the tree. I think this could be a good way of making our love visible in a different way than the usual gift giving and I think it could make us feel even closer as a family, what do you think?”

Or another complaint could be, “My parents feel hurt if we don’t spend Christmas with them and it makes me feel guilty to not go there for Christmas.” This could be translated into “Mom, we would love to be with you at Christmas, yet John & I haven’t had any quality “alone time” for way too long. So I’m wondering if we could get together after the holidays for a family meal. Would you like to do that?”

Or the complaint that says, “My wife is always is so stressed doing things for other people that she is too tired to really enjoy herself,” could be translated into “Honey, I want us both to enjoy the holidays together this year. So, how about we ask everyone to pitch in and keep things as simple as possible. Would you help me put this idea into action this year?

Turning complaints into requests is a useful idea even after the holidays over. Hint, hint

Next week in Part Two find out more about how to resolve unresolved family issues.

The Other Partner Colludes

OK, what happens when one person is projecting onto their partner and their partner buys into it, even though it isn’t their “stuff”? Well, that’s part of the dance of projection and is just as automatic and unconscious as projecting.

For example, Mary’s father deserted her and her mother when she was eight years old and Mary still has unresolved hurt and anger about being abandoned. She decided at a very deep level that men are not trustworthy.

She is in a relationship with Jerry who has unresolved guilty feelings about hurting the women he loves because his mother used to blame him and his father for her unhappiness.

When Jerry wants to spend a weekend away from Mary with some of his friends, her abandonment feelings get triggered. Unconsciously, she projects them onto Jerry, accusing him of being untrustworthy because he wants to do something without her. Her interpretation, from her unresolved pain, is that Jerry doesn’t love her and is about to leave her.

Jerry’s collusion with her projection occurs when his guilt gets triggered. He doubts himself and believes he is responsible for Mary’s pain. He is unable to see that she is projecting and that he is colluding by “dancing” with her to this tune.

The important thing to understand here is that this is all going on unconsciously. Neither Mary nor Jerry knows what is really going on. To them, all these feelings appear to be occurring in present time, when in fact, what they are feeling are old feelings grounded in decisions they made a very long time ago. They are just being played out again in new circumstances in which they seem new.

The Tendency of Denial

The unresolved issues within you that you cannot confront tend to rob you of the ability to see yourself clearly. If Jerry did not feel guilty and believe that he was responsible for Mary’s (his mother’s or any woman’s) happiness, he would be able to confidently and lovingly reassure Mary that his spending the weekend with his friends did not mean he did not love her or that he was about to leave her. He could act guiltlessly and lovingly, rather than react out of his own unresolved guilt and pain.

Everyone projects to a greater or lesser degree. You will interpret other peoples’ behavior to be that to which you are accustomed, whether it is or not. Your beliefs and expectations determine your perception. You will think others are judging you for what you judge yourself for. You believe it, then you see it – not the other way around.

In order to have successful, enlightened partnerships it is very important to recognize when you are projecting. The easiest way to know if you are projecting is if you are judging! Judgment is thinking that someone is “bad” or undeserving of love or caring. Judgment is perception without compassion. The thing about judging others is that it protects you from your judgments about yourself. So, you will think others are unloving if you feel unlovable – or – you will think others are untrustworthy if you don’t trust yourself.

The more your past is unresolved the more you tend to project. Your unresolved past will cause you to act in defensive ways. And defense is perceived as attack by others! If you are judging another you are only trying to protect yourself from you own guilt or limiting thoughts. Judgment is a form of attack. Whenever you judge or attack another, the result will be a feeling of guilt whether you are aware of it or not.

Judgment reinforces personal guilt, which calls for more projection in the form of judgment, which calls for more guilt – and round and round you go!

The Power of Forgiveness

There are three ways to release yourself from this vicious cycle of guilt, projection, judgment and attack. 1. Forgive yourself 2. Forgive others 3. Neutralize your judgments.

Forgiveness is the fastest and most effective way of experiencing your “essential self” and that of others. Forgiveness is the natural result of healing unresolved hurts. When the hurt is healed, forgiveness happens spontaneously, revealing the unconditional love of your “essential self”. Forgiveness is giving up the claim to punishment.

Another important and usually overlooked step in forgiveness is to neutralize your judgments. So, what does that mean and how do you do it? You neutralize your judgments by realizing they don’t mean anything! Acknowledging that your judgments don’t mean anything helps to release you from the vicious circle of judgment. Rather than judge yourself for having judgments, you simply notice – “Oh, there goes another meaningless judgment!” Watch the judgment pass across the horizon of your awareness and let it go.

Sometimes we want to hold onto our judgments because the “conditioned mind” or “local self” or negative ego thinks it is only through judgment that you can be safe. After all, you have to be able to tell the good guys from the bad guys, right? Be sure not to confuse discernment with judgment. The truth is that some people are not trustworthy; they do lie and can be generally unpleasant to deal with. Judgment happens when you are in denial of a part of you that causes your perception to be distorted.

How to Tell If You Are in Denial

1. You will interpret other’s behavior to be that to which you are accustomed, whether it is or not.
2. Having a superior attitude.
3. Having judgments of others.
4. Seeing a need for punishment – feeling justified and even righteous in inflicting harm (psychologically, emotionally, verbally, physically) against another.
5. Defensiveness when someone reflects that you may be in denial (reaction rather than curiosity).
6. Your unresolved fears from the past appear to be happening again, even when they aren’t. Others can usually see this better than you can.
7. You never experience being willing to look at parts of yourself that are difficult to look at.

Enlightened partnerships recognize that projection is a part of human psychology at this point in our evolution. We all do it and we are likely to keep doing it for the foreseeable future. So, being in an enlightened partnership is not about never projecting. It is about being mindful and self-reflective enough to recognizing when you are doing it.

The more you can observe yourself and accept yourself without judgment, the more you are able to relate from your “essential self” and with the “essential self” of others. Enlightened partners recognize that judgment of others is an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth.

Enlightened partners recognize that whenever they remove judgment from their perception of themselves they lift and expand their consciousness. They know that to see themselves impeccably is to observe, without judgment, the thoughts and feelings that inspired their actions – and they know in their heart that they have always done the best they could with the resources available to them.

Enlightened partners know that a compassionate perception of self determines a compassionate perception of others.

An enlightened partnership is an intentional creative relationship that fosters the development and evolution of each partner and is dedicated to a soulful wisdom, compassion and trust. Enlightened partners are motivated by an inner vision and passion for a high level of cooperation and creativity.

Committing to enlightened partnerships is not for everyone. There is a difference between simply having great relationships and having enlightened partnerships. The crux of that difference lies in intention and aspiration. The intention of an enlightened partnership is to use the relationship consciously for spiritual growth, to heal unresolved issues from the past and to become fully awake. That is, after all, the meaning of enlightenment — to be fully awake to reality, free of the illusions that invisibly bind us to unhealthy ways of relating.

Enlightened partners aspire to a clear minded, open-hearted state of creative, passionate engagement. And if you can do that in your most important relationships — you know, the ones that tend to trigger you the most — you’ll be evolving very quickly!

Relationships are seldom as simple as we would like. They bring out our needs, anxieties and conflicts with people from our past — our parents, friends and former partners.

Our relationships with our partners are colored by our own personal legacies. We often react to our partners as if they were someone else — and most of the time this causes conflict in the relationship. After all, when we entered into a primary relationship we expected love, nurturance and validation just for being who we are. A relationship, we usually imagine, should provide a safe zone where our partners cherish us for expressing our unique qualities. This is a simple expectation. Why, then, does it seem so hard to achieve?

How we perceive our partners is influenced by how we learned to deal with other people in the past. This process can go back into early childhood, even to infancy. Indeed, our earliest primary attachment to a caretaker — a mother, a father, or another adult — can have an effect on how we deal with other people for the rest of our lives. For example, if our earliest experiences taught us to trust in the world, then we are likely, barring any other event that leads to distrust, to take a trusting attitude toward people throughout our lives. Conversely, if a child is never shown love during the earliest stages of life, it may be a challenge during adulthood to learn how to experience love. Early experiences from childhood can have a powerful effect later on. (This is a strong argument for treating children well.)

Children experience both good and bad in the world. Plenty of good experiences, like love and trust, feel comfortable and produce a positive self-image in children — a positive way of defining themselves. The bad experiences, though, create feelings of conflict and frustration. These negative experiences also go into the self-definition that the child is developing. But they don’t feel compatible with the more positive feelings, so, according to one theory, the child projects them onto somebody else. (Projection means finding in someone else the qualities that you don’t want to accept within yourself — like blaming your partner for being controlling when you are the one who has the tendency to want to control.)

Projections

It is not only early childhood experiences that cause us to project our unacceptable feelings onto someone else. Friends can have the same effect, as can partners from our previous relationships. This is a process that happens throughout our lives. How many times have we heard someone say, “Treat me for who I am — I am not your former partner”?

The major point to keep in mind is that we project our own problematic feelings onto another person. For example, if we have an issue with the feeling of jealousy, we will project our own jealousy onto someone else, and perceive them as being the jealous one! This is because we can’t tolerate seeing ourselves as having a problem with jealousy — and it’s easier to attribute it to someone else. In other words, we feel unable to correct the problem in ourselves, so we focus on this issue in the other person. The way out of this, of course, is to become aware of this projection and understand how it affects us.

When couples experience conflict in their relationship, projections are often at the root of the problem. If we are living with our own conflicts and are unable to make any headway in understanding them, it’s as if we look for the problem in the other person. In fact, at a certain level, we may actually seek out partners who have the qualities that we find problematic within ourselves. If we have difficulty in asserting ourselves, for example, and we get frustrated and angry with other people for running over us, we may see out partners who do just that — people who dominate us. Just as often, though, our partners may not see themselves as domineering, but because we need to work out our own problems with the issues of dominance and submission, we will search for these qualities in the other person. We take any cue we can from our partner and magnify it. Then we’re able to project our own problem onto the other person, saying it is their fault. By blaming the other person, we protect ourselves from having to come to terms with our own issues. We can safely continue our submissive pattern and blame the other person for having the problem.

In an enlightened partnership, when projections are causing relationship conflicts, it is preferable to increase our awareness of our own internal conflicts and how we project these conflicts onto our partners. We can look for examples of our projections in other life situations until we see a pattern. When we have awareness of the problem, we can understand the many ways it influences our behavior — and this can give us some control over the problem. We can then try out new ways of dealing with people. For example, when a person experiences frustration time and again from feeling dominated by others, learning some assertiveness techniques can help them alleviate the problem.

Most of the time we don’t recognize our own projections unless we have an intention to discover them or someone points them out to us. The process of “sorting them all out” almost always involves communication; sometimes with the person we are projecting on and sometimes with a trusted advisor or close friend. There is a process of getting a “reality check” because our projections always “feel” true to us.

This communication can only occur in a safe emotional climate where honesty about thoughts, feelings and impressions is brought forth. Whenever we discover our projections we reclaim a piece of our personal power and we are that much closer to the enlightenment that comes from deep self-awareness.

NOTE: It is important to understand that projections are not at the root of every problem that couples experience. Sometimes the other person does indeed have a real problem that can lead to an abusive situation. In this case, it is not advisable to try to understand it as projection, but to see it for what it truly is and to take appropriate measures to change the situation.

Next month in Turning Great Relationships Into Enlightened Partnerships – Part Two, we will talk about what happens when the other partner colludes in the projections. We’ll also have an example of a couple involved in projection so you can see more clearly what we are talking about here. Plus, we’ll offer you some important questions so you can assess your own relationships.

Too many of us are using enormous amounts of energy protecting ourselves from the truth. It seems “easier” in the short term to live with half-truths or even self-created fantasies designed to protect us from unpleasant feelings. But in the long run, it simply doesn’t work.

Sooner or later reality catches up with us and we have to deal with it anyway. The longer it takes the more costly it is. The good news is that dealing with the truth makes us stronger.

In our private coaching practice we help people with all phases of partnership, from creation to completion. As we look back at the thousands of couples we have helped navigate the turbulent emotional waters of divorce, there is one glaring similarity in 90% of the cases. If they had talked openly, honestly and responsibly about their problems when they first began, they wouldn’t be getting a divorce.

How much better off would they be if they had chosen to deal with their problems head-on rather than avoiding the feelings of temporary discomfort that can come from difficult conversations. It cost them more in the long run to avoid confronting the truth than to deal with it. Sobering but true.

The question is – how often do you avoid dealing with the truth because you are afraid it will be uncomfortable? Do you find yourself avoiding difficult conversations because you think that by waiting the problem will somehow disappear?

Is it better to avoid looking at the fact that you are losing money doing the business you love? Or is it more prudent to run appropriate financial projections so you can avert disaster down the road?

Is it better to be honest with yourself that certain life-style choices are costing you your health, or just wait for the suffering and the medical bills to show up?

Is it easier to keep struggling with your bills every month, or to look at the part of you that seems determined to live beyond your means?

Is it better to keep struggling with a relationship, that when you look at it, hasn’t been fulfilling since the first few months you were together, and that was 12 years ago?! Or is it wiser to take a deep breath and a long look at why it’s so easy for you to settle for less than you want?

Is it better to walk on eggshells with the people you care most about because you’re afraid to hear what you already know to be true? Or is it less stressful to simply deal with it? Initiate a heart-to-heart talk and make choices based on the reality of the situation rather than what you wished was true.

Is it worth the risk to tell the emperor he has no clothes, or wait for him to find out some other way, then have him feel hurt or betrayed because you didn’t have the guts to simply tell him?

From time to time it is important to take stock of what we are trying to avoid. The pure and simple truth is that denial, personal or group denial, is very costly. It costs us our self-respect and our personal power. Denial drains our energy like water through a sieve. It also costs us time. We waste so much of our life when we bury our head in the proverbial sand.

Sometimes, when we come out of denial, we feel regret for all the lost moments. Like when a solution presented itself and we didn’t notice because we were too busy fooling ourselves that we “didn’t have a problem”. Some people lose their whole life doing that.

One of the most difficult things for human beings is to perceive “what is”. Reality is often obscured by our own beliefs, biases, fears, prejudices and limitations.

To be enlightened is to be awake. Awake enough to discern the false from the true, especially within our own psyche. Most of us need to develop our capacity to observe ourselves without self-invalidation so we can begin to see the deeper reasons for the choices we make and the actions we take.

So, what is there for you to do? Begin a rigorous exploration of your own heart and mind. Go into the deep stillness of your meditation and ask, “What am avoiding?” or “What am I in denial about?” Then wait for the answer. You may have to ask it more than once. The next step is to ask, “What can I do to deal with it more appropriately?” Write your answers down and keep them in a place where you can see them frequently throughout the day. Then take one step at a time.

You’ll notice that as you start taking the steps you’ll begin to feel stronger, your mind will feel more focused, you’ll have more energy. Even though you may decide to do some things that are temporarily uncomfortable, sooner than later, you’ll feel the strength that comes from integrity. The integrity to be true to yourself by looking at what is really going on in your life.

You’ll feel more alive, more alert, more at peace. You’ll find yourself in a rarified sphere of being AWAKE. The air is sweeter here than any you have ever breathed and you’ll feel that whatever it took you to get here, was worth it.

The evolutionary edge for humanity is sharing power. As a species we are gradually moving from using our power in self-centered adversarial ways to sharing our collective power for the mutual benefit of everyone concerned. We are shifting from a paradigm characterized by me or them to me and them. We are just beginning to tap into the power of co-creation.

It’s going to take more than good intentions for us to pull this one off. We are all going to have to learn to think differently, make new distinctions and include new practices in our business-as-usual routines.

We offer you the 5 C’s of co-creation to help you create a map for your exploration of this new and uncharted territory.

The 5 C’s are commitment, communication, cooperation, collaboration and coordination. If you are intending to create a future with one or more people it’s a good idea to deep the 5C’s in mind and to check in with one another periodically to see if you are taking them into consideration as you progress.

COMMITMENT – Setting your intention. What are we all committed to? Can we all state it succinctly? Does the commitment generate enthusiasm? Does it live in our everyday conversations with one another in some way? Are there any obstacles to honoring the commitment to our fullest ability? How are we dealing with those obstacles? Are we all committed to doing what is in our power to do, to have the co-creative endeavor succeed for everyone concerned?

COMMUNICATION – Creating the environment. As human beings our relationships live in language. What we talk about and how we talk about it determines the emotional climate of our relationships. Is our communication style fostering safety and creativity? Are we communicating readily, honestly, and openly? Are there things we are afraid to discuss that need to be discussed? Are there unspoken emotional undercurrents distracting our attention? Are there any recurrent communication breakdowns and is there a strategy in place so they can be avoided in the future? Does our communication include acknowledgment and gratitude? Are people making requests in order to take care of their own needs and wants? Are we giving effective feedback so we can improve as we go? Are we communicating our unified purpose to others in inspiring and enthusiastic ways?

COOPERATION – The necessary attitude. Are we cooperating? Is our cooperation motivated by an inner passion or is it being forced by fear and the need to go with the flow of others intentions? Are we able to find a common path through adversity or is it every man for him self when the going gets tough? Are there any competing egos vying for the spotlight at the expense of others? Are we clear on the benefits of cooperation in this creative endeavor? What is at risk if we don’t cooperate?

COLLABORATION – Synergizing ideas. Is there an attitude that everyone’s ideas are vital to the whole? Are we able to express our ideas freely without fear of judgment or ridicule? As a group are we asking BIG questions that bring forth the talent of everyone involved and excite our creative impulses? Are we able to engage in possibility thinking, not limited by the past or what has been? Are we skillful in bringing out the best in each other? Is the system in which we are working set up to receive the avalanche of creativity we can generate?

COORDINATION - Synchronizing action. What’s the plan? How are we coordinating our actions in effective and harmonious ways? Do we all have an overview of how all the different parts are working together? Are we clear on individual areas of responsibility and accountability? What are the consequences, if any, for failure to perform? How does time play into to it? Do we have established lines of communication? How often do we need to reevaluate the plan? How often and in what form (phone, meetings, e-mail) do we need to communicate in order to coordinate effectively?

We all play a vital part in the emerging paradigm of co-creation. Discovering our unique contribution is part of the adventure. We hope that using the 5 C’s will help you better play your part in fulfilling the promise of humanity’s evolutionary potential.

We have found it very helpful to use written agreements that clarify the foundation of the co-creative relationship. These are the ones we like to use and we offer them for your consideration.

Co-Creator Agreements

1. I agree to bring my passion and talent to our collective endeavor.
2. I agree to speak the truth with compassion.
3. I agree to listen deeply and respectfully to others.
4. I agree to be responsible for my own needs, wants and sense of being valued.
5. I agree to acknowledge others generously.
6. I will readily use our predetermined protocol for resolving upsets in a way that fosters personal responsibility and collective harmony.
7. I agree to use mistakes constructively and practice forgiveness when called for.
8. I will strive to maintain trust and affinity and restore them if they are damaged.
9. I agree to turn my complaints into requests and communicate constructively to the person who can do something about it.
10. I will refrain from negative gossip.
11. I agree to manage my agreements with others in responsible and courteous ways.
12. I agree to encourage and be encouraged in bringing out our individual genius.
13. I agree to nurture a soulful connection with my fellow co-creators.

Our Special Offer for the Heart to Heart Talks Online Training Program will remain open for only one more day, until midnight tonight. So, if you have been on the fence about getting this, know it will never be this inexpensive again! Click here for more information and to order.

Conflict between people is a fact of life — and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, a relationship with frequent conflict may be healthier than one with no observable conflict. Conflicts occur at all levels of interaction — at work, among friends, within families and between relationship partners. When conflict occurs, the relationship may be weakened or strengthened. Thus, conflict is a critical event in the course of a relationship. Conflict can cause resentment, hostility and perhaps the ending of the relationship. If it is handled well, however, conflict can be productive – leading to deeper understanding, mutual respect and closeness. Whether a relationship is healthy or unhealthy depends not so much on the number of conflicts between participants, but on how the conflicts are resolved.

Sometimes people shy away from conflict, and the reasons for this are numerous. They may, for example, feel that their underlying anger may go out of control if they open the door to conflict. Thus, they may see conflict as an all-or-nothing situation (either they avoid it altogether or they end up in an all-out combative mode, regardless of the real severity of the conflict). Or they may find it difficult to face conflict because they feel inadequate in general or in the particular relationship. They may have difficulty in positively asserting their views and feelings. Children who grow up surrounded by destructive conflict may, as adults, determine never to participate in discord. In this situation, the person may never have learned that there are effective, adaptive ways to communicate in the face of conflict.

People adopt a number of different styles in facing conflict. First, it is very common to see a person avoid or deny the existence of conflict. Unfortunately, in this case, the conflict often lingers in the background during interaction between the participants and creates the potential for further tension and even more conflict. A second response style is that of one person getting mad and blaming the other person. This occurs when a person mistakenly equates conflict with anger. This stance does nothing to resolve the conflict and in fact only serves to increase the degree of friction between the two participants by amplifying defensiveness. A third way which some people use to resolve conflict is by using power and influence to win at the other’s expense. They welcome conflict because it allows their competitive impulses to emerge, but they fail to understand that the conflict is not really resolved since the “loser” will continue to harbor resentment. Similarly, some people appear to compromise in resolving the conflict, but they subtly manipulate the other person in the process, and this, again, perpetuates the conflict between the two parties and compromises the trust between them. There are better ways to handle interpersonal conflict.

Healthy Approaches to Conflict Resolution

Conflicts run all the way from minor, unimportant differences to disputes which can threaten the existence of a relationship. Conflicts with a loved one or a long-term friend are, of course, different from negotiating with someone who does not care about your needs, like a stranger or a salesperson. However, there is an underlying principle that underscores all successful conflict resolution. That is, both parties must view their conflict as a problem to be solved mutually so that both parties have the feeling of winning — or at least finding a solution which is acceptable to both. Each person must participate actively in the resolution and make an effort and commitment to find answers which are as fair as possible to both. This is an easy principle to understand, but it is often difficult to put into practice.

We may get so caught up with our own immediate interests that we damage our relationships. If we disregard or minimize the position of the other person, if fear and power are used to win, or if we always have to get our own way, the other person will feel hurt and the relationship may be wounded. Similarly, if we always surrender just to avoid conflict, we give the message to the other person that it is acceptable to act self-serving at our expense and insensitive to our needs. Our feeling of self-worth suffers, resentment festers, and we feel poisoned in the relationship. Instead, it is healthier if both parties can remain open, honest, assertive and respectful of the other position. Mutual trust and respect, as well as a positive, constructive attitude, are fundamental necessities in relationships that matter.

Preventing Conflict

Most people have no interest in creating conflict with others. Most of us know enough about human behavior to distinguish between healthy communication and the words or actions that contribute to rocky relationships. It is in our interest to maintain relations which are smooth, flexible, and mutually enhancing. The problem occurs when we fail to use cooperative approaches consistently in our dealing with others. We seldom create conflict intentionally. We do it because we may not be aware of how our own behavior contributes to interpersonal problems. Sometimes we forget, or we are frustrated and annoyed, and sometimes we just have a bad day. At times we feel so exasperated that we focus on our own needs at the expense of others’. And then we find ourselves in conflict.

To prevent conflict from happening in the first place, it is important to identify the ways in which we contribute to the disagreement. One way of doing this is to identify a specific, recent conflicted situation, recall what you said, and then think specifically about how you could have used more effective language. Think about ways in which your communication could have set a more trustful tone or reduced defensiveness. Then, once you have identified your part in the conflict, such as blaming, practice working on that particular behavior for a day or a week. At the end of the time period, evaluate your progress. Did you succeed? In what situations did you not succeed? (While it may be the other person who created the conflict, you are the other half of the interaction and it is your own response that you have control over and can change.)

Using Effective Communication Techniques to Reduce Conflict

Once you find yourself in a conflicted situation with someone else, it is important to reduce the emotional charge from the situation so that you and the other person can deal with your differences on a rational level in resolving the conflict.

The Defusing Technique

The other person might be angry and may come to the situation armed with a number of arguments describing how you are to blame for his or her unhappiness. Your goal is to address the other’s anger — and you do this by simply agreeing with the person. When you find some truth in the other point of view, it is difficult for the other person to maintain anger. For example, “I know that I said I would call you last night. You are absolutely right. I wish I could be more responsible sometimes.” The accusation might be completely unreasonable from your viewpoint, but there is always some truth in what the other person says. At the very least, we need to acknowledge that individuals have different ways of seeing things. This does not mean that we have to compromise our own basic principles. We simply validate the other’s stance so that we can move on to a healthier resolution of the conflict. This may be hard to do in a volatile situation, but a sign of individual strength and integrity is the ability to postpone our immediate reactions in order to achieve positive goals. Sometimes we have to “lose” in order, ultimately, to “win.”

Empathy

Try to put yourself into the shoes of the other person. See the world through their eyes. Empathy is an important listening technique that gives the other feedback that he or she is being heard. There are two forms of empathy. “Thought Empathy” gives the message that you understand what the other is trying to say. You can do this in conversation by paraphrasing the words of the other person. For example, “I understand you to say that your trust in me has been broken.” “Feeling Empathy” is your acknowledgment of how the other person probably feels. It is important never to attribute emotions that may not exist for the other person (such as, “You’re confused with all your emotional upheaval right now”), but rather to indicate your perception of how the person must be feeling. For example, “I guess you probably feel pretty mad at me right now.”

Exploration

Ask gentle, probing questions about what the other person is thinking and feeling. Encourage the other to talk fully about what is on his or her mind. For example, “Are there any other thoughts that you need to share with me?”

Using “I” Statements

Take responsibility for your own thoughts rather than attributing motives to the other person. This decreases the chance that the other person will become defensive. For example, “I feel pretty upset that this thing has come between us.” This statement is much more effective than saying, “You have made me feel very upset.”

Stroking

Find positive things to say about the other person, even if the other is angry with you. Show a respectful attitude. For example, “I genuinely respect you for having the courage to bring this problem to me. I admire your strength and your caring attitude.”

Although it seems that people are being kinder and gentler with each other these days, nerves are also frayed and anxieties are high — a good formula for upsets and misunderstandings. The ideas presented in this article can help all of us continue to be more aware and compassionate in our dealings with one another.

The manipulator’s tactics

Manipulation in a relationship usually progresses over a long period of time. Manipulators learn over time how far they can go. They are unlikely to attempt to manipulate the other person at the beginning of a relationship since this could bring things to an immediate end. They observe the other person’s vulnerabilities and learn eventually how to exploit them for their own purposes.

There are two basic tactics that are used to exert control, and they usually go hand in hand. The first is a promise of gain. That is, the manipulator will promise to provide something if the partner goes along with what the manipulator wants. “I promise – no arguments for a week if you’ll end your friendship with Pat.” The other tactic is the promise of avoiding loss.

In this case, the manipulator threatens the partner with the loss of something if the partner does not go along with the manipulator’s desires. “I’m going to stay out with my friends late every night unless this house is cleaned spic and span by the time I get home.” (Of course, these two examples are obvious manipulation attempts. Most manipulators use more subtle methods than we see in these examples.)

Manipulators need to be in control

Manipulative people have a strong need to be in control. This may derive from underlying feelings of insecurity on their part, although they often compensate for these feelings with a show of strong self-confidence. Even though they may deny it, their motives are self-serving, and they pursue their aims regardless of the cost to other people.

They have a strong need to feel superior and powerful in their relationships – and they find people who will validate these feelings by going along with their attempts at manipulation. They see power as finite. If you exert power over them, they will retaliate in order to gain back the control they feel they are losing. They cannot understand the idea that everyone can feel empowered or that everyone can gain. When they are not in control – of themselves and over other people – they feel threatened. They have difficulty in showing vulnerable emotions because it might suggest they are not in control.

Manipulators don’t always plan their moves

Those who are manipulative usually don’t consciously plan their maneuvers. They emerge from the manipulator’s underlying personality disorder, and are played out within the context of a victim who colludes with, and unwittingly encourages, the manipulation. There is a wide range of tactics used by manipulators ranging from verbal threats to subtle attempts to arrange situations to suit the manipulator.

For example, one of the more common forms of manipulation is called splitting – turning two people against each other by talking to each one behind the back of the other, getting them to dislike or distrust each other, and leaving the manipulator in a position of control. They may use active techniques like becoming angry, lying, intimidating, shouting, name-calling or other bullying tactics. Or they may use more passive methods like pouting, sulking, ignoring you, or giving you the silent treatment.

Some ground rules for dealing with manipulation

• Focus on changing yourself, not the manipulator. It is not helpful to try to outmanipulate a skillful manipulator – you are simply making yourself vulnerable to further manipulation. You will not change a manipulator by focusing on his or her imperfections and trying to work toward their achieving insight. You may think that it would be helpful to share with the manipulator how you feel and how his or her behavior has an impact on you – but this is generally not helpful since most manipulators are not capable of empathy and may use this information against you in the future. The only effective method of changing manipulative behavior is to disable it by making a change within yourself, thereby changing the dynamics of the manipulative relationship. If you cease to cooperate with the manipulative tactics, you will alter the nature of the relationship. If manipulators have to work hard to maintain control in the relationship, they usually give up – often by leaving the relationship and finding someone else to control.

• Assess the worth of this relationship to you. Depending on the severity of the manipulation and the damage it has done to your sense of happiness and integrity, you may need to consider whether it is worth it to continue the relationship. Of course, there are many situations (parent/child, for example) when you must stay in the relationship, so it is helpful at least to achieve some clarity about what you want in your life and assess how the relationship has the potential to lead you toward your personal goals.

• Use assertiveness techniques to change the nature of the relationship. You might be so accustomed to complying with the manipulator’s tactics that you automatically do his or her bidding without thinking about it. First, you need to stop your automatic compliance. You do this by buying time to think about each situation as it arises. “I’ll get back to you on that when I have the time to think about it.” At this point you are now in control of the situation. It is not helpful to let the manipulator ask you why you need time since this invites your loss of control. Simply repeat the same thing over and over again without explanation. “I need more time to think about it.” Next, you need to confront the fear, anxiety or guilt that has driven you to comply in the past with the manipulator’s demands.

This requires a deep look within that may be achieved by working with a relationship coach or therapist. Exploring your own personal feelings, why you react as you do, and how to use alternate responses may be a challenge, but the benefits are far-reaching – and they may save your relationship, or at least prepare you for healthier relationships in the future.

See manipulation for what it is

Finally, you might label the manipulation for what it is. “When you threaten to leave me I feel afraid. If you would simply state your wishes and show me respect, I would be more able to listen to what you want.” In a calm voice and with direct eye contact, it may be time to announce that the old manipulations have come to an end. “We both understand that you have a pattern of playing on my fears, and now you know how I feel about that. Your way of threatening me is not going to work any longer.”

In making these types of assertive statements, you are defining your boundaries. There is no need to make threats. Simply state that you will no longer participate in their manipulations. Make it clear that by setting limits and enhancing your own personal integrity, you expect a better relationship in the future. Learning to assert yourself in the face of a manipulative individual who feels threatened when not in control is a challenge, and doing this with the help of a relationship coach or therapist is recommended.

Quiz – Are You in a Manipulative Relationship?

Answer the following questions with a T (for true) or an F (for false).

____ I sometimes feel confused about what my partner really wants.

____ I feel that my partner frequently takes advantage of my giving nature.

____ Even when I do something that pleases my partner, the positive feelings   never last long.

____ With my partner I feel that it’s hard just to be myself or do what I really want.

____ Around my partner, I feel taken for granted.

____ I seem to work harder on this relationship than my partner does.

____ My partner has a very strong impact on what I think and feel.

____ I sometimes feel that I am trapped in my relationship and there is no way out.

____ I don’t feel as good about myself in my relationship as I once did.

____ I feel that I need my partner more than my partner needs me.

____ No matter how much I have done, I feel that it’s not good enough for my partner.

____ I feel that my partner does not understand who I really am.

There are twelve questions in this quiz. If you answered more than half of them with a T, you might want to consider exploring whether you are in a manipulative relationship.



We are all vulnerable to manipulation

We are all vulnerable to being manipulated in relationships, whether between romantic partners, friends, parents, children, employers, coworkers, or neighbors. When we allow another person to manipulate us, we are colluding with their desire to control our feelings, motives, and even our thoughts through deceptive, exploitative, and unfair means.

A manipulative relationship is one-sided and unbalanced, advancing the goals of the manipulator at the expense of the person being manipulated. These relationships become troubled over time. If you want to change this kind of relationship, you must first recognize the features of manipulation and then look within to understand your contribution to the manipulation. There are effective ways to stand up to manipulation and bring balance back into the relationship.

Manipulation is not the same as influence

Manipulation is not the same as influence. We all use influence with other people to advance our goals, and this is one of the hallmarks of healthy social functioning. Influence recognizes the rights and boundaries of other people, and it is based on direct, honest communication. Influence is one way we have of functioning effectively in the world. Influence recognizes the integrity of the other person, including the right not to go along with the attempted persuasion.

Manipulation, on the other hand, depends on covert agendas and an attempt to coerce another person into giving in. Even though it may appear that the manipulator is strong and in control, there is usually insecurity under the facade. The tendency to exploit others and disregard their rights is a sign of unhealthy personality functioning. In fact, people who manipulate others have difficulty in maintaining good interpersonal relationships.

Are you easy to control?

Those who manipulate other people are good at spotting people to control. If they feel unable to manipulate someone, they usually give up and move on to somebody else who is more likely to be receptive to the attempted manipulation.

Once you recognize the features of the manipulation, the next step in correcting the situation is to discover your own contribution to the problem. (This statement may seem a bit difficult to accept. After all, it’s the manipulator who has the problem, you might say. But realize that manipulation cannot occur in a vacuum. As is true of any relationship, it takes two people.) You can come to understand your contribution to the manipulative situation and then take steps to correct it.

Do you see yourself here?

Here are some common traits of those who are vulnerable to manipulators:

• You feel useful and loved only when you can take care of the needs of other people. This goes beyond being nice to other people. Your sense of worth is tied up in doing things for other people. In fact, you take this so far that you please other people at the expense of your own well-being. For example, you might buy something especially nice for your partner or a friend when you would never spend that kind of money on yourself. Manipulators are drawn to this type of person and have no qualms about taking advantage of this particular personality trait.

• You need to have the approval and acceptance of other people. Although most people appreciate being accepted, a problem occurs when you feel that you must be accepted by everyone at all times. The core problem here is the fear of being rejected or abandoned – and it is so strong that you would do anything to avoid the feelings associated with this fear. The manipulator works by giving you the acceptance that you need – and then threatening to withdraw it.

• You fear expressing negative emotions. Although expressing anger and engaging in a conflict are never pleasant, some people will go to any length to avoid a confrontation. They want things to be pleasant at all times. They fear that they will fall apart in the face of negative emotions. Manipulators have an easy task in this kind of relationship – all they have to do is to threaten to raise their voice, and then they get their way.

• You are unable to say no. One of the characteristics of a healthy relationship is appropriate boundaries that clarify who you are and what you stand for. In order to maintain healthy boundaries, however, you must sometimes say no when someone attempts to push your limits. If you are afraid of the conflict that may arise when you say no, you play into the hands of the manipulator. Learning effective assertiveness techniques is a way to regain your sense of control in a manipulative relationship.

• You lack a firm sense of your own self. A clear sense of self means that you know what your values are, who you are, what you stand for, and where you begin and the other person ends. If you have an unclear sense of self, it is difficult to trust your own judgment or to make decisions that work in your favor. Without a clear definition of your self, you may be an easy target for a manipulator.

If you are in a manipulative relationship, it is helpful to recognize the personal tendencies that allow the other person to assert control over you. You can come to understand and explore these safely with the support of a professionally trained relationship coach or therapist.

While you may not be able to change the behavior of the manipulator, you can change your own responses to attempts at manipulation so that you achieve a firmer sense of your own integrity. The unhappiness resulting from a manipulative relationship can lead to life-changing experiences that generate insight and the ability to cope more effectively with the demands of everyday living.

Listening is a skill most of us never learned as a school subject. We assume that listening is something that comes naturally. Too often we listen for what we need to hear rather than to what the other person truly intends to say. Our inability to listen is often at the root of our interpersonal conflicts. Good relationships are characterized by good listening skills on the part of both partners. When we listen well to someone we not only show that person respect and care, but we show that we are open to the world around us.

Obstacles to Good Listening

Real listening is a skill that takes practice and an honest look into how you deal with the world. If you tend to take a distrustful or combative stance toward other people most of the time, it may be hard to engage in healthy and open listening.

The same holds true if you need to please others or form dependent relationships with other people much of the time – it becomes hard to truly hear what they are trying to say…and you will hear only what you need to hear.

Take a look at some of the common obstacles to active listening that typically interfere with healthy communication. Learn to recognize them when they are happening. And remember that obstacles can usually be removed.

Being Judgmental: When you have already made a negative judgment about someone, you will stop listening openly to what they have to say. You may listen only to gather evidence that supports your negative opinion of the other person. Unfortunately, if you are not able to listen to the totality of what the person is saying, you will stay locked into your negative opinion.

Rehearsing: Your mind actively creates your argument against the speaker’s point of view as it is being presented. This implies that you have your own established opinions and that you are closed to what the other has to say.

Filtering: You will hear some things that the other person talks about, but not everything. There may be some topics, like the speaker’s anger toward you, which you simply block out because you aren’t as ready to deal with them as the other person might be. Filtering may be helpful when it is used to lessen the impact of bringing up an avoided topic, but continuing it for long usually means that it is best to examine the meaning behind your need to shut out some of the information.

Advising: Sometimes people just need to be heard. We don’t have to fix every problem the other person talks about. Giving advice instead of just listening may make us feel needed, or it may be a way of distancing ourselves from hearing the other’s true feelings. To tell someone else how they should feel or behave can be a way of belittling them or telling them that they are not to be trusted. Unless advice is asked for, it may be best not to give it.

Mind Reading: You may disregard what your partner is saying and try to figure out what he or she is really trying to say. You are acting like an expert on your partner’s feelings, but this deprives your partner of the ability to communicate freely and with candor – and for you to understand your partner’s stated point of view.

Pleasing: You are so concerned about being nice, keeping the peace, and placating that you’ll jump in to agree just to keep everything happy and smooth. It may be helpful to look into why you feel compelled to do this and what it might mean for your relationship. Again, the desire to please prevents you from hearing what your partner really needs to say.

Deflecting: Whenever a certain topic is brought up that you feel uncomfortable with, you redirect the conversation to something else. You’ll tell a joke or change the subject, even if the topic is of genuine concern to your partner.

A Listening Exercise for Couples

Reciprocal listening is a powerful tool for couples who need to improve their communication. Couples who try this may become aware of how limited their communication has been in the past. They also learn an effective technique, which can increase the respect, trust, and intimacy of their relationship. This exercise may seem structured and perhaps contrived at first, but stay with it. The rewards can be immense.

The couple decides on a minor disagreement that they need to talk about. Each partner takes turns being either the speaker or the listener. The speaker has five minutes to speak without interruption. As the speaker, talk about the problem as you see it. Present your argument briefly and stick to the point. Be sure to use “I statements” to present your views and don’t place the blame on your partner (that is, just talk about how you feel about the conflict without putting your partner in a defensive position).

After five minutes your partner (the listener) will verbally summarize what he or she has heard. This allows the speaker to let the listener know if anything has been left out or if it has been misinterpreted. Keep going until the speaker feels that the point has been completely heard.

As the listener, pay close attention to what is being said and try to attune yourself to your partner’s needs. When you summarize what your partner has said, make sure you don’t disagree, argue, or criticize. Just repeat what you have heard.

Now switch positions. The speaker becomes the listener and the listener, the speaker. Follow the same procedures until the new speaker feels satisfied that his or her position has been understood. It is important to avoid letting this exercise turn into an argument. Because this is such a powerful way of learning to listen and to communicate better, many people prefer to try it with a therapist present, at least for the first few attempts.

Heart to Heart Talks

You can take this exercise even deeper by using Heart to Heart Talks in which the listener, rather than paraphrasing back what they heard the speaker say, simply responds with a neutral comment, such as “Thank you” or “I understand”, or if they didn’t understand, says “I didn’t understand that, can you please say it in another way?”

There are four kinds of Heart to Heart Talks; Discovery, Clearing, Nurturing and Affirming. Heart to Heart Talks begin with the speaker using a lead in phrase or sentence fragment, such as “Something that’s important to me in relationships is . . .”, and completing the sentence with whatever comes to mind. The speaker continues for a couple of minutes with the listener simply responding as indicated above. Then they switch and the new speaker uses the same lead in phrase.

Unlike reciprocal listening, Heart to Heart Talks teaches the listener how to listen with a quiet mind. The listener is really tuned into the speaker, listening to what they are really saying, rather than listening to the voice in the listener’s head.

Heart to Heart Talks are one of the most powerful tools available for learning how to listen deeply without distraction. This kind of listening has a profound effect on the speaker who may have the experience of truly being heard for the very first time.

Listen to the Children

Children need to be heard. Listening to children gives them the feeling that they count, that they matter. They can draw on the strength and experience of an adult whom they trust – and they trust those who give them stable and consistent attention. It is during childhood that they develop a level of self-esteem that may follow them throughout their lives, and the child who has been listened to is much more likely to develop a positive self-image than one who has not been heard.

One of the best gifts an adult can provide a child is showing the child how to use active listening skills. Adults can model good listening techniques for children and advise them on ways to listen better by picking out the highlights of a conversation and asking relevant questions.

Use the following listening techniques in dealing with the special needs of children:

Pay special attention as they talk. Maintain good eye contact and forget about the telephone and television. Children can tell by the adult’s reply whether or not they have the adult’s attention.

Know when to, and when not to, use active listening. Use active listening when you are free enough of your own problems to show the empathy and acceptance a child needs. Use it when you are in the mood and have the time. Listening should not be a way to change the child’s behavior. Pay attention to the child’s mood too, and make sure the time is right for the child to talk. Sometimes a child just wants to play or to be left alone.

Listen with patience. A child has a more limited vocabulary and often takes longer to express ideas. Listen as if you had plenty of time. We may feel that we know better and cut the child off – but it is far more beneficial to let the child express a thought freely at his or her own pace.

Children sometimes need encouragement to talk. Children haven’t had much experience in the art of conversation, so we sometimes have to ask questions. When a child feels an adult is attentive, the child will be more willing to open up.

Listen to the child’s nonverbal messages. Children communicate not only through words, but also through their body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, energy levels, or changes in behavior. Pay attention to these cues and respond in the way that is best for the child.

It only takes a little practice with listening using the tools mentioned here to improve your listening skills, and thus your overall communication skills, to become a truly accomplished communicator.

Communication Requires One Person to Talk and Equally Important, the Other to Listen

Listening is the other half of communication. Our first thought, when we think about communication, may be to consider the speaker’s ability to convey ideas effectively. What we often forget is that without a listener the speaker may as well be talking to the wind. Just as effective speaking is an acquired skill, so is good listening. Some do it better than others. But all of us can learn to enrich our own listening skills.

Listening to the Voice in Your Head

Think about what happens when you hear someone speak. You pay attention to the person’s appearance, to activity in the background, to what you did earlier in the day, to a conversation you had with someone else, or to your counterargument, and how you will present it. Your mind flits from topic to topic as you take in only fragments of what the other person says. It seems a wonder that people understand each other as well as they do.

The speaker conveys only a portion of the real meaning of an intended idea – and the listener may pick up on only a fraction of the information transmitted. We think we know what the speaker was trying to say, but often we are absolutely wrong. (Have you ever played the “rumor game” in a large circle? The first person whispers a message to the next in line, and this message goes from person to person until it gets to the end of the circle. Something like “two kittens were playing with a ball of string” easily mutates into “the lion sleeps tonight” as the message is relayed around the circle.)

Listening is Loving

Listening is itself a form of communication. Listening to another person sends the message that you care and that you are truly interested in the other person’s ideas. Without the ability to listen effectively, true intimacy and mutual respect between partners, two of the hallmarks of a successful relationship, are not even possible. When you fail to listen to your partner, you may impart the message that he or she doesn’t count, that you are the one with all the knowledge, and that you lack respect for your partner. These are hardly the qualities of a thriving and mutually beneficial relationship.

Effective listening means that you want to learn from, enjoy, care about, trust, understand, and nurture your partner. A good listener sends the message that he or she is interested in the world and to new ideas and life experiences. To listen well is one way to show that you can love well.

Learn to Listen Effectively

The first step in mastering good listening skills is to become aware of why listening is important in your life and your relationships. And the next step is simply to start doing it. Practice listening whenever you can.

Here are a few rules to start the process:

• Never interrupt when the other person is speaking. Allow the speaker to complete his or her thought.
• Eliminate distractions – put your book down or turn off the television.
• Maintain eye contact while the other person is speaking.
• Pull your chair closer and lean toward the speaker.
• Keep your posture open – directly face your partner and leave your arms and legs uncrossed.
• Give verbal and nonverbal responses to what the speaker is saying – “yes, I see,” nod your head, smile, or frown when it’s appropriate.

Attentive Listening

Listening is more than passively remaining silent while the other person talks. It is the other half of an active collaborative process. The first level is attentive listening. In this mode we take the position that we are genuinely interested in the other person’s point of view. We accept the fact that we have something to learn from the interaction. However, this level of listening has its limitations. Even though we are attentive, we still make assumptions about the message and we tend to fill in the gaps with whatever it is that we want to hear. At this level we don’t check to see if what we have heard is what the speaker really meant to say.

Active Listening

The second, and more powerful, level is active listening (or reflective listening). This assumes that communication is truly a two-way process that involves giving feedback. Active listening requires that the listener paraphrase, clarify, and give feedback.

Paraphrasing is the most important element of active listening. When your partner says something of interest, you should restate in your own words what you heard your partner say. You can provide a lead-in, such as “What I’m hearing you say is that…” or “So if I’m correct, you are telling me that….” Paraphrasing allows us to correct misconceptions as they occur, gives us the chance to resist obstacles to good listening, keeps both you and your partner from becoming defensive or feeling misunderstood, and helps us to remember what was said.

Clarifying provides more depth to the listening process than merely paraphrasing. Your purpose in clarifying is to ask questions about what the speaker is saying in a helpful and empathic way. “So how did you feel when I cut you off?” “What did you think when I said I didn’t want to take that trip?” Clarifying does not involve belittling, manipulating or coercing your partner in any way. Its purpose is to tell the speaker that you are engaged in listening and you want to know more about specific points.

Giving feedback involves providing your personal thoughts on what your partner has said, without succumbing to the obstacles to good listening. You calmly state your own opinions, thoughts and feelings. This gives your partner yet another chance to see if you got the message and to check out the accuracy of his or her communication. And perhaps your partner can gain a new or broader perspective on what was talked about.

Listening is a skill most of us never learned as a school subject. We assume that listening is something that comes naturally. Too often we listen for what we need to hear rather than to what the other person truly intends to say. Our inability to listen is often at the root of our interpersonal conflicts. Good relationships are characterized by good listening skills on the part of both partners. When we listen well to someone we not only show that person respect and care, but we show that we are open to the world around us.

Special Announcement:

We are putting the finishing touches on a major upgrade to our Straight From the Heart e-book by adding six audios totally approximately eight hours of in-depth teaching and coaching from a teletraining we completed. We are excited about making this level of training available. We expect to announce its release in next week’s blog post!

Note: The following post is from a recent newsletter by David Spangler, a writer and spiritual teacher whose work we have followed from the beginning of our relationship. This piece is relevant to how communication and connection with one another is dramatically changing in the 21st century.

Facefields

by David Spangler – (c) 2010

My youngest daughter, Maryn, has been having a companionable summer palling about with her “posse” of girl friends. They spend most days together, and when they are apart, they are texting each other. One afternoon as she was sitting reading in our living room, her phone kept buzzing as one friend or another sent her a text message. Her own thumbs were in constant motion replying, giving new meaning to the phrase “she was all thumbs.”

I asked her, “Why don’t you and your friends just phone each other and talk. Wouldn’t that be faster and easier?”

Maryn sweetly answered what must have seemed an antediluvian question from her out-of-fashion Dad who doesn’t even own a cell phone, much less use one for texting. “If we called each other,” she said, “we’d have to have something to talk about.”

“But aren’t you talking to each other when you’re texting?”

“Oh, no,” she replied. “We not talking. We’re connecting.”

Growing up overseas in North Africa, we didn’t always have a phone, and when we did, using it was not something we took lightly. This was especially true for long distance calls. If we did call someone outside our local calling area, it was always a special occasion, and my Dad would hover with a watch making sure we didn’t talk longer than three minutes, after which the rates would go up dramatically. Phones were not social media in my family; they were instruments for conveying information quickly and succinctly. If you simply wanted to “connect,” you wrote a letter.

The kind of trivial, stream of consciousness chatter I can find on Facebook or Twitter would have been unimaginable for me as a child. Indiscriminately broadcasting your slightest activity, thought or feeling to the world anytime you felt like it was not only technically impossible when I was growing up, but it was also way beyond some cultural and psychological threshold for reasonable behavior. I still feel some of that; when I was introduced to Twitter, I found it difficult to imagine its value or why someone would want to spend their time sending and receiving tweets. But then, I have a hard time coming up with sound bites for interviews, too. I am not noted amongst my friends for succinctness.

But without overly romanticizing the phenomenon or making more of it than it may warrant, I do feel that the emerging and evolving arena of social media such as Facebook marks something significant going on in human consciousness. It has to do with the difference between communication for the purpose of conveying information and communication intended to create communion and to build connection. When I used a phone as a kid, it was for the former purpose; as my daughter informed me, when she uses her phone in texting mode, it’s for the latter.

Television, smart phones, and the Internet all bring instant news and data into my life. I can feel overwhelmed. But I also notice an interesting phenomenon: having information about something isn’t at all the same as knowing about it or feeling connected to it. Pure information—words, images, voices funneled into my awareness through electronic media—can be strangely distancing. It renders its subject abstract. I know about something but I don’t really know it. When I see on the nightly news villages in Pakistan ravaged by the monsoon floods, I have information about something that is happening in my world, but do I feel connected to it? Having the information can make me feel that I am participating in my world, but am I? I can feel like I’m part of my world when in fact I’m as separate from it as ever.

If we are awash in information, we are not necessarily equally deepened in our sense of connectedness. If I receive a tweet from someone that says he is having lunch or she is out shopping, do I feel I am really participating in that person’s life? Do I feel any more whole with him or with her? It can just be a modern version of voyeurism, knowledge without participation; it gives me information without connection.

What I realize when talking with my daughter is that she gets this distinction. She’s very clear that her texting, for example, is basically not about information but about connection. It’s more like reaching out in a dark, foggy night to touch a friend whom you cannot see and being reassured that they are there. And talking with others who are involved in social media, I find this is not an uncommon experience.

We human beings suffer from disconnectedness: we are disconnected from each other, we are disconnected from the natural world. The result is violence, a lack of wholeness, a piecemeal approach to life which at its most basic leads me to look out for number one and heaven help everyone or everything else. In Martin Buber’s wonderful imagery, lack of real connectedness leads us to transform a “thou,” a being to be treasured and communed with, into an “it,” something to be used and manipulated, then discarded when I’m finished.

I don’t pretend at all that phenomena like Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, or any other social media will solve this problem; in some ways, they aggravate the problem, substituting real connection with a kind of faux friendship and with information that conveys a false intimacy. They are like junk food for the soul, exciting but providing no lasting or real nourishment.

But, on the other hand, they also are providing a platform on which deeper connectedness can be built. They are seeds around which energetic fields can develop, linking and uniting people in ways that allow for a flow of subtle energy as well as of information. They are a training ground in making and exploring connections, allowing a growing interaction between people on a global level that nothing else in our culture is providing in the same way.

I have recently been reading an excellent book called The Living Classroom: Teaching and Collective Consciousness by Dr. Christopher M. Bache. In it he chronicles and explores his discovery of how fields of consciousness come into being amongst his students and himself. These fields represent a level of participation and shared awareness above and beyond the normal channels of everyday communication. I am aware of these fields myself in my own classes, and they play an important part of my teaching strategy. Unlike Dr. Bache who works in a university, I teach online most of the time. What has always been amazing and wonderful for me is that even though the participants in a class are separated, sometimes by thousands of miles, a field of collective consciousness still develops between us. We become connected in subtle, energetic ways as well as informationally.

These fields develop faster and more clearly when there is intent behind them, but this is not essential. They can emerge out of persistent and sustained acts of connection, such as happens between my daughter and her friends as they text together. And these fields can become means of transmission for any number of subtle energies and phenomena, such as love, blessing, even healing.

By many accounts, we are heading into a future dominated by climate change, environmental challenges, and social and economic vulnerability. It is a future that can be met and transformed drawing not only on our outer skills and efforts but on the power inherent in fields of subtle energy that can be created when human beings are in true connection with each other and with their world. Learning to create and use these fields as a form of subtle activism is, I feel, a vital skill to understand and develop.

And it begins with learning how to connect.

I believe there is an intuitive realization within our species that this is so, and this realization is giving birth to the many forms of social media emerging in our world which allow us to explore ways and forms of connection that have not been possible on such a scale or with such intimacy before. They are giving us tools which can in time enable us to form the energetic, participatory, shared fields of consciousness and subtle activism that can truly make a difference. If so, then one day, MySpace may become MyFields and Facebook will become…well, FaceFields, anyone?

Since 1964 David Spangler has been an author and teacher of spirituality. He began his career at nineteen as the keynote speaker at a national conference in Phoenix, Arizona, on “Youth and the New Age.”

In 1970 he visited the Findhorn Foundation community in Northern Scotland where he was invited to become its co-director and to be a teacher-in-residence. He lived and worked in the community until 1973, becoming the founder of its educational program.

His books include Emergence; The Call; Everyday Miracles; Parent as Mystic, Mystic as Parent; Blessing: The Art and the Practice; The Story Tree; Manifestation: Creating the Life You Love; and The Incarnation Card Deck.

You may learn more about David and his work at www.lorian.org

Has anything like this ever happened to you in any of your relationships?

A Simple Misunderstanding

Kevin had what he thought was a mild misunderstanding with Melissa over a missed appointment. It seemed like the issue had been resolved with an acknowledgment of no fault miscommunication and an apology from Kevin. But, Kevin didn’t feel like it was over, even though Melissa said she wasn’t really upset. Frustrated and disappointed were the words she used, but not upset.

Melissa’s smile seemed forced and it felt like there was more that she wanted to say, but Melissa insisted they forget about it and move on. Still, Kevin had an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach that made him wary of Melissa.

Emotional Incongruence

One of the hallmarks of enlightened conflict resolution is emotional authenticity. Emotional authenticity can be compromised by emotional incongruence. Often, unrecognized fears complicate what could be a direct, straightforward exchange of information.

Most of us have learned to hide our true feelings. Dropping your mask and being emotionally honest can sometimes leave you feeling vulnerable. But that is just the reason it is so disarming and why it tends to build trust and compassion.

Emotional incongruence is complex because sometimes you know you are doing it and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you may intentionally lie about your feelings in order to get the upper hand. It’s almost always a stupid move because it is so transparent. People may not notice it right away, but after they have had a chance to reflect on it, it usually dawns on them. They may not confront you on it because it is not worth the effort, but they will feel wary and simply “go polite” and keep their distance. Just like Kevin did with Melissa.

At other times, you may be out of touch with your feelings and try to fool yourself into maintaining a particular self image. Perhaps it is an image of being nice or spiritual or in control. But just beneath the surface, your fear of looking bad, or being wrong or being cast aside dictates your defensiveness. Defensiveness is almost always experienced by others as aggression, which escalates arguments. You may think you are communicating clearly, but you are sending mixed messages. Just like Melissa was.

Mixed Messages

Mixed messages are confusing. Mixed messages are crazy-making. Mixed messages are infuriating. They undermine trust and usually make conflict resolution a very difficult undertaking. In the Conscious Upset Resolution Exercise (CURE) the first thing you do is “inner work” to get to the bottom line of your own part in the upset before having a dialogue with the other person. This is very important because if you are still feeling angry or blaming, but mouthing words of reconciliation or good intent, you will be incongruent.

Invisible Carrier Wave of Emotion

The words of a conversation are transmitted on an invisible carrier wave of emotion. The emotion is more powerful than the words alone. In other words, the emotion is “louder”. Sometimes the emotion is screaming so loudly that you can’t even hear the words that are being said. Consequently, one of the worst things you can do is lie about your feelings or try to hide them. All it does is send mixed messages and makes other feel like they are standing on shaky ground, causing all manner of silent alarms and red alert signals to clamor through their energy field. There is a dreadful, unsettling feelings that comes with that “everything looks okay, why does it feel so bad, where is the danger really coming from?” feeling that usually throbs in your stomach and raises the hackles on your neck.

Just as it is easy to tell when someone is being emotionally incongruent, it can be equally difficult to know when you yourself are doing it. It can be extremely difficult for people who hold a high value for peace or kindness to be honest with themselves, or anyone else for that matter, about their darker emotions. It can generate a deep inner conflict to have “hateful” feelings when you see yourself as a “nice” person. If you have been a victim of emotional violence it can be even more difficult.

If You Want To Be Emotionally Congruent . . .

Over time, people automatically suppress feelings they judge to be “bad.” This leads to acute emotional incongruence. The thing that can be so crazy making is you can’t feel the feelings you are transmitting to others. If you want to be emotionally congruent it is vital that you recognize the importance of learning to feel safe with all your emotions. Look to see the role fear or anger has played in your life.

In the case of Kevin and Melissa, it is likely that Melissa had some old historical feelings triggered by her interaction with Kevin, of which she was unaware. And it was these unconscious feelings being unintentionally transmitted by Melissa to which Kevin was responding by feeling uneasy and like there was more she wanted to say. It is entirely possible that Melissa was being perfectly sincere in her statement that there was nothing more, simply because she was not in touch with her deeper feelings.

It is exactly for this kind of dynamic that we wrote our bestselling book, You’re Never Upset for the Reason You Think. It provides a clear roadmap through this emotionally swampy, highly charged territory and leads you to the high ground of emotional congruence.

The Ten Essential Skills for Co-Creating Conscious Completion

Completing relationships is often one of the most painful experiences of life. Because of this, people tend to avoid dealing with completion altogether. There are four ways we have observed that relationships can be completed; death, drifting apart, abrupt expulsion or ejection from the relationship and conscious completion. Sometimes completion is only about changing the form of the relationship and recreating it, not necessarily the end of the relationship altogether. A good example of this is when parents divorce; they are still responsible for co-parenting. Consequently they are remaining in relationship, albeit a different form than marriage and romance.

When people drift apart, it is often because there were things they were afraid to talk about. The cumulative effect of avoiding important conversations about difficult issues is emotional numbing and distancing. Often, the eventual outcome is drifting apart. Geographical distance can also lead to drifting apart, as well as a lack of common interests.

Sometimes, events occur in relationships that cause a sudden and abrupt end to relationships. An example of this could be a business partnership in which one partner is found committing illegal or unethical acts that compromise the life or reputation of the business and partners involved. Hurt feelings that people don’t have the skills or inclination to talk about and work through, can also lead to an abrupt ending of a relationship.

Much more rare is for relationships to be completed consciously. That is because there is some skill involved and a high level of self-awareness and compassion. We offer for your consideration the following ten essential skills for consciously completing relationships.

1. Be alert to how the completion impacts the identity concerns of everyone involved.

   Our sense of self is very much tied to our most important relationships, whether personal or business, and when an important relationship completes it can have a painful impact on our thoughts and feelings about ourselves. It can cause us to question our conception of reality and our place in it.

2. Acknowledge and integrate the value and learning from the relationship.

   Remember from our soul’s perspective relationships are for learning and creating. If a relationship is completing, it indicates that we have probably learned most of the lessons available for us in that relationship or new creations are calling us to a new path. Completion may be thought of as a graduation.

3. Own up to mistakes without self-invalidation.

   A valuable point of view is to consider that everyone is always doing the best they can with the resources available to them – even you. Undoubtedly, if we had it to do all over again, there is almost always something we would do differently. It’s essential to conscious completion to acknowledge our mistakes. That is a part of the learning.

4. Make apologies.

   Even though we are not responsible for other peoples’ feelings, it is also true that our words and actions have impact on others. If there is any way that you have spoken or behaved that has caused others pain, it is important to know how to make sincere and effective apologies from a place of self-love and compassion for others.
   

5. Redefine your common path – Create a new form for the relationship.

   You may be moving from romantic partner to friend; or from marriage partner to parenting partner; or business partner to belonging to the same associations. The most important part in creating a new form is clarifying the purpose of the new relationship.

6. Articulate the highest spiritual thought about the relationship. This requires looking at your relationship from your soul’s perspective which is beyond time and immediate circumstances. It allows you to acknowledge and appreciate how you have grown and developed in the relationship. There is a feeling of gratitude and blessing about the relationship that acts as a balm, soothing the temporary wounds of separation.
7. Know what you need to feel complete.

   Are there things you need to say or requests you need to make? Are there missing pieces of information that would help you feel complete if you had them? Do you need to offer or ask for forgiveness for anything?

8. Generate a safe space for completion conversation.

   Make sure everything that needs to be said or done for everyone to feel complete is communicated in a spirit of love and dignity. Creating this kind of atmosphere can be challenging when there are hurt feelings and unresolved misunderstanding. It can be valuable to bring in a coach to facilitate the completion conversation.

9. Allow for a healthy expression of grief, fear, anger or any other emotion.

   Learning to be present to someone else’s upset without taking it personally is a high level relationship skill, but it can be learned. It is important because the relationship won’t feel complete without the acknowledgment of important, and often powerful, feelings. You also need to love yourself enough to acknowledge and express your own feelings. Unacknowledged feelings tend to show up in other relationships, which is why this part is so important.

10. Accept and flow with change.

    This is a time for us to acknowledge that we are each the source of our own happiness. This can be an impetus for us to let go of the notion that we need a particular person to actualize our full potential for wellbeing. With every ending there are new beginnings. Trust your own Higher Self who is always guiding you to your greatest good.

What does completion feel like? How do you know when you are consciously complete in a relationship? When you can think of the other person and not have any bad feelings of regret or pain, rather you are able to feel gratitude for all that the relationship was and all that you have learned from it. Completion can feel like anything from neutral (no negative charge) to love and appreciation. Anything less is just not, well, complete.

“Men!”, Terri exclaimed, her eyes red and swollen from crying. “I’m so tired of having my heart broken. Why can’t I just find a man who’ll love me the way I want him to?”, she asked no one in particular. “What’s wrong with me?”, she cried.

She just learned that her fiancé was still seeing his former girlfriend and had been lying to her. And this was just one more in a long string of betrayals for Terri. She just didn’t know if she could take another one, but here it was. This could mean the end of her engagement if they didn’t get this sorted out. But, she felt so hopeless – and wasn’t even sure she wanted to sort it out.

Reading this, it is easy to feel that Terri has been “done to” one more time. Yet, sympathizing with her about how bad men are does not empower her to see her part in creating her circumstances. And, more importantly, changing them.

The best way for Terri to reclaim her power and dignity in this situation – and that is to look at the beliefs within her that helped to create this painful event. Your rerlationships reflect your beliefs about relationships and about yourself. Until she can discover the beliefs within her that have contributed to her string of betrayals, she will never know lasting peace of mind in her relationships with men.

Your beliefs are fundamental to your sense of self and the world. You are oriented to the world through the medium of your beliefs. Many of your beliefs are so close to you that you can’t even see them. You are essentially embedded within them and experience them as who you are and how the world is.

For Terri, at least one of the beliefs she has is that she cannot find a man who “will love her the way she wants him to.” She probably also has beliefs about men being untrustworthy liars. The problem is that these troubling beliefs lie deep within her subconscious mind, well below her everyday awareness.

An important part of becoming enlightened is simply learning to observe your beliefs, without judgment. “But, if my beliefs are hidden in my subconscious mind, how can I observe them?”, you might well ask. One of the best ways to do that is by looking at your experience and asking yourself, “What beliefs would a person have to have to create an experience like this?”

In Terri’s case, what beliefs could create her experience of betrayal and being lied to? We mentioned two possibilities; I can’t find a man who will love me the way I want and men are untrustworthy liars. It’s also possible that Terri has a belief that she is not lovable and/or does not deserve a lasting, loving relationship. Or that love doesn’t last. Or the men she loves don’t love her.

Your experiences in life are born in your consciousness, from the seeds of belief. If you plant tomato seeds in a garden, do you expect to get corn? Of course not! The problem with the beliefs planted in your consciousness is that, for the most part, you don’t remember planting them because they were planted long ago in your childhood. So, by the time they appear in the garden of your experience, they appear to come out of nowhere. Unless you can identify the seeds of belief that have been planted in your mind and begin to uproot them and plant new ones, they will continue to produce their predictable results.

Dr. Milton Rokeach, a renowned psychologist, distinguished five different kinds of beliefs.

1. Basic beliefs that are socially shared, e.g., “We all need to eat in order to live.” These kinds of beliefs tend to be facts about our universal experience as human beings.
2. Personal beliefs that are not socially shared, e.g., “I can never do anything right.” or “I am God’s gift to women.” These beliefs are concerned with self-identity and one’s view of the world and are completely subjective. These kinds of beliefs are assessments and may or may not have anything to do with reality.
3. Authority beliefs are those that are outside our direct experience. They result from others whose authority we assess as credible, e.g., “CNN is the most accurate news network.”
4. Derived beliefs are a variation of authority beliefs in that they rely on identification with the authority. This is how we acquire beliefs from our culture, religion, and our family, e.g., “Suicide attacks on our enemies is justified because martyrdom is good and we have no other means of defense.”
5. Inconsequential beliefs are simply a matter of preference and personal taste, e.g., “Steve Martin is a funnier comedian than Billy Crystal.” They are opinions.

The negative beliefs that are worthy of changing are in numbers 2, 3 and 4 – personal beliefs that determine self-identity and world view, authority beliefs that we accept from others we see as more informed, and derived beliefs from authorities with whom we are identified.

Now that we have identified the kinds of beliefs and which ones are subject to change, in next month’s edition we will talk about the process of belief change. We will work with Terri’s beliefs and show you how you can use the same tools to identify and change your undesirable beliefs.

People yearn for relationships they can trust. They want to be able to depend on people. They want relationships characterized by ease, clarity and harmonious cooperation. But, is there any adult who hasn’t felt let down or betrayed by someone who didn’t live up to his or her agreements?

What Is an Agreement?

What is an agreement really? An agreement is a method for coordinating action between two or more people. It is supposed to smooth the way for efficient harmonious interaction. But why do people so frequently not live up to their word? Usually an agreement fails because it does not reflect the true desire and motivation of all the people making the agreement. People who agree to something because they are afraid of what will happen if they don’t agree, will more than likely not follow through, unless they are pressured to do so.

It is important to know that agreements alone will not secure the safety and dependability we all yearn for. For an agreement to be effective the internal motivator that drives it should be so compelling that the people involved are aroused to fulfill their part, of their own volition. In other words, an agreement you can count on has to come from the right place.

Why Am I Agreeing to This?

That means that each person must answer the question, “For the sake of what am I agreeing to this?” This reason needs to be explicit. You can’t assume the same thing motivates everyone. You have to question, discuss and clarify. Successful agreements are always driven by a clear purpose that inspires action. There are two very important things that need to be part of a process for creating agreements that will work. A clear and inspiring purpose for your agreements and a process for restoring trust when an agreement has been broken.

A good purpose statement for sharing household chores might be something like; “We agree to share in household chores so that we can enjoy a relationship that is free from resentment and filled with trust, intimacy, passion and fun!” For business agreements something like, “The purpose of the following agreements is to ignite an unstoppable force for imagination, creativity and collective accomplishment.” It is also a good idea to post this declaration in a place where it will be seen frequently by the participating members, e.g., refrigerator, coffee room, bulletin board.

Once you have crafted an inspiring purpose statement for your agreements and you have listed the agreements, make sure they are consistent with your purpose. Then you need to determine a protocol for handling the inevitable broken agreement. This protocol needs to be something everyone accepts and is willing to use.

Agreements Aren’t Always Kept

Yes, it may be sad but true that even with the best intentions, sometimes agreements aren’t kept. You agree to be on time and you get a flat tire. You agree to pay a special project bonus and your biggest account defaults on a payment. The best kind of protocol is one that quickly restores trust and completely neutralizes any disappointment or hard feelings. This is important because we want to make sure the memory of the event doesn’t carry forward any resentment, blame or guilt. Any of these feelings are toxic to a harmonious future.

We have found that using amendments to restore broken agreements is a stellar solution. When someone does not keep an agreement for whatever reason, they offer an amendment to the other person. It is much better if someone does not have to ask for an amendment, but the person who did not keep the agreement readily offers it.

Apologies and Amendments

An amendment is different from an apology. An apology includes saying “I’m sorry” and how you will handle things differently in the future. An amendment is something you do to make up for whatever disappointment or bad feeling happened when the agreement was not kept as promised. An amendment is not a punishment. It is an opportunity to restore trust. What you offer for an amendment depends on the intensity of inconvenience or distress the other person experienced because you did not keep the agreement as promised.

Imagine someone who is late for a meeting and says upon arrival, “I apologize for being late. I’m sorry you were kept waiting and wondering. How about I bring flowers for the front desk tomorrow to make up for it?” Offering an apology and an amendment is a winning combination. It is a very grown up move that rekindles trust and allows everyone involved to bounce back to a very high level of teamwork.

Amendments work best when they are pleasurable for everyone involved. Treating someone to lunch is a better amendment than cleaning their car, unless of course you enjoy cleaning cars. Buying flowers tomorrow is better than doing a big thing in two or three weeks.

No Big Deal?

Sometimes people want to pretend that the agreement being broken was “no big deal” and an amendment is not necessary. We caution you against this consistent reaction. It sends the wrong message. It is important for people to keep their word, to be accountable for their promises. The ill feelings that come from broken agreements can build up over time. Using amendments is a great way of averting the kind of disastrous blow-ups that happen when people get fed up.

It is a good idea to bring a light heart, a sense of humor and your creativity to the amendment process. Remember the purpose of an amendment is to restore trust and harmony to a relationship.

Written Agreements or Verbal Agreements?

Sometimes people balk at the idea of written agreements. It seems like too much trouble. But if you take a step back and look at most of the failures in your relationships you will probably notice most of them came from lack of clarity and alignment. The hallmark of an enlightened partnership is intentional design. Great relationships don’t just happen, mediocre ones do.

The process of clarifying purpose and agreements is a necessary part of the design process for relationships. The conversations you will have will illuminate what is truly important to each person. This knowledge is essential in creating relationships that work well over the long term. If you create agreements that reflect the authentic motivation of each person and you plan for predictable breakdowns in a way that fosters accountability you can relax into a new certainty and trust in your most important relationships.

Top Ten Practices of Enlightened Relationships

Relationships are in many ways like real, seagoing ships. Just like a sailing vessel needs regular, constant care and upkeep, your relationships need regular care and upkeep. The crew of a sailing ship is knowledgeable in the standard practices of seamanship, which is absolutely required to maintain a ship’s seaworthiness. Unfortunately, most people are not knowledgeable in the standard practices of maintaining their relation-ships.

Yet, most people in relationships of any kind are usually focused on the goals of the relationship, whether building a life or a business or a community center. There is very little attention paid to the relation-ship itself. And often, somewhere along the voyage of life, the relation-ship is unable to withstand the inevitable and predictable storms of life that can damage both the individuals in the relationship and the relation-ship itself. Maintaining a strong, stable, satisfying relation-ship requires knowledge and skill – neither of which is commonly taught in our culture.

Enlightened relationships are distinguished both by the shared vision that guides the relationship as well as the standard practices of its partners. Enlightened relationships are created and maintained through specific standard practices. Unfortunately, these practices are uncommon in a popular culture gripped by fear and ignorance. But, through the commitment to learn and use these practices, the individuals and the relationship are elevated to new heights that uplift and evolve the soul.

Below we offer for your consideration the Top Ten Practices of Enlightened Relationships to help you in building and maintaining strong, durable and enlightened relationships.

1. Write down the purpose and desired results for your relationship. A relationship without a stated purpose and intended results is like a ship setting sail without a chart or plotted course. The purpose should be stated in a way that lifts the spirit of all partners.
2. Make choices grounded in love rather than fear. Become aware of your automatic reactions that are based in fear and look for the love choice instead. Ask yourself, what would love do or say in this situation?
3. Mutually agree upon strategies for dealing with predictable break-downs, i.e., miscommunications, upsets or disagreements and use them when needed. It is important to have these strategies in place before the breakdowns occur. It is difficult, if not impossible, to create and implement them in the middle of a breakdown.
4. Commit to win/win outcomes; don’t settle for anyone being the loser. For the relationship to win, all participants in the relationship need to win. If anyone in the relationship loses, the entire relationship loses. Keep asking questions that lead you to the win/win outcome.
5. Practice “high performance” communication from the heart. People respond positively to the expression of heart-felt truth because it builds trust, even if they don’t agree with it. High performance communication involves four specific skills, plus the ability to listen without judgment for the concerns of the other person that may be hidden behind their words.
6. Assume personal responsibility for your emotional reality and refrain from blame. Blame and projection will pollute the emotional climate of a partnership faster than anything.
7. Take the initiative for the satisfaction of your own needs and wants and make clear requests of others that inspire their cooperation. Don’t wait for people to guess what will make you happy. Nobody likes to endure demands or covert manipulation.
8. Share power rather than struggle for it. Let go of the need to be right all the time. Value others ideas and perceptions as being as valid as your own. Heal your unresolved power/authority issues from the past.
9. See problems as opportunities. Every problem contains the gift of spiritual development within it. Learn to unwrap the package.
10. Nurture a conscious relationship with your Soul. The more spiritually attuned you are, the more enlightened you and your relationships will be.