Manipulation in Relationships – And How To Deal With It: Part One


We are all vulnerable to manipulation

We are all vulnerable to being manipulated in relationships, whether between romantic partners, friends, parents, children, employers, coworkers, or neighbors. When we allow another person to manipulate us, we are colluding with their desire to control our feelings, motives, and even our thoughts through deceptive, exploitative, and unfair means.

A manipulative relationship is one-sided and unbalanced, advancing the goals of the manipulator at the expense of the person being manipulated. These relationships become troubled over time. If you want to change this kind of relationship, you must first recognize the features of manipulation and then look within to understand your contribution to the manipulation. There are effective ways to stand up to manipulation and bring balance back into the relationship.

Manipulation is not the same as influence

Manipulation is not the same as influence. We all use influence with other people to advance our goals, and this is one of the hallmarks of healthy social functioning. Influence recognizes the rights and boundaries of other people, and it is based on direct, honest communication. Influence is one way we have of functioning effectively in the world. Influence recognizes the integrity of the other person, including the right not to go along with the attempted persuasion.

Manipulation, on the other hand, depends on covert agendas and an attempt to coerce another person into giving in. Even though it may appear that the manipulator is strong and in control, there is usually insecurity under the facade. The tendency to exploit others and disregard their rights is a sign of unhealthy personality functioning. In fact, people who manipulate others have difficulty in maintaining good interpersonal relationships.

Are you easy to control?

Those who manipulate other people are good at spotting people to control. If they feel unable to manipulate someone, they usually give up and move on to somebody else who is more likely to be receptive to the attempted manipulation.

Once you recognize the features of the manipulation, the next step in correcting the situation is to discover your own contribution to the problem. (This statement may seem a bit difficult to accept. After all, it’s the manipulator who has the problem, you might say. But realize that manipulation cannot occur in a vacuum. As is true of any relationship, it takes two people.) You can come to understand your contribution to the manipulative situation and then take steps to correct it.

Do you see yourself here?

Here are some common traits of those who are vulnerable to manipulators:

  • You feel useful and loved only when you can take care of the needs of other people. This goes beyond being nice to other people. Your sense of worth is tied up in doing things for other people. In fact, you take this so far that you please other people at the expense of your own well-being. For example, you might buy something especially nice for your partner or a friend when you would never spend that kind of money on yourself. Manipulators are drawn to this type of person and have no qualms about taking advantage of this particular personality trait.
  • You need to have the approval and acceptance of other people. Although most people appreciate being accepted, a problem occurs when you feel that you must be accepted by everyone at all times. The core problem here is the fear of being rejected or abandoned – and it is so strong that you would do anything to avoid the feelings associated with this fear. The manipulator works by giving you the acceptance that you need – and then threatening to withdraw it.
  • You fear expressing negative emotions. Although expressing anger and engaging in a conflict are never pleasant, some people will go to any length to avoid a confrontation. They want things to be pleasant at all times. They fear that they will fall apart in the face of negative emotions. Manipulators have an easy task in this kind of relationship – all they have to do is to threaten to raise their voice, and then they get their way.
  • You are unable to say no. One of the characteristics of a healthy relationship is appropriate boundaries that clarify who you are and what you stand for. In order to maintain healthy boundaries, however, you must sometimes say no when someone attempts to push your limits. If you are afraid of the conflict that may arise when you say no, you play into the hands of the manipulator. Learning effective assertiveness techniques is a way to regain your sense of control in a manipulative relationship.
  • You lack a firm sense of your own self. A clear sense of self means that you know what your values are, who you are, what you stand for, and where you begin and the other person ends. If you have an unclear sense of self, it is difficult to trust your own judgment or to make decisions that work in your favor. Without a clear definition of your self, you may be an easy target for a manipulator.

If you are in a manipulative relationship, it is helpful to recognize the personal tendencies that allow the other person to assert control over you. You can come to understand and explore these safely with the support of a professionally trained relationship coach or therapist.

While you may not be able to change the behavior of the manipulator, you can change your own responses to attempts at manipulation so that you achieve a firmer sense of your own integrity. The unhappiness resulting from a manipulative relationship can lead to life-changing experiences that generate insight and the ability to cope more effectively with the demands of everyday living.


16 responses to “Manipulation in Relationships – And How To Deal With It: Part One”

  1. Thank you for the post. Definitely useful for me. Trained by my mother to take care of her everyone else just jumped into the bandwagon and i have been feeding a hundred families.

    Some peole will get very hungry very soon.

    Thanks
    Webzi

  2. What a beautiful post. Elegantly and compassionately expressed, and really informative. You address big issues, like the manipulator’s motivation, and accountability with a are delicacy of touch.

    Warm wishes,

    Annie

  3. Wow, deeply insightful and highly intuitive as always.
    I wonder could I get your opinion on something.
    Do you think it is possible for those manipulated as children to literally ‘learn’ from it and in turn become the manipulator in their adult life, of their own children and even partner, which can then perpetuate the cycle?

    • Hi Cara — so glad you like this post.

      To answer your question about children learning from having been manipulated and acting out manipulative behavior in their adult life, absolutely. That’s exactly how modeling works, which is the most powerful form of learning. And it is the kind of learning we are all subject to in our childhood environment. We learn by watching and duplicating the behaviors and attitudes of our caretakers.

      I hope this is helpful.

      Blessings — Paul

  4. Hi Layne and Paul,

    Very timely – Thank you for the article. I seem to be experiencing this again. I am reading a book on the subject and would like to find someone I can work with on it. I think women (or men) who`ve experienced abuse (particularly, sexual) are very suceptible to this because their boundaries were obliterated. It saps energy on several levels of Being and I intend to heal this vulnerable part of myself.

    Again, thank you.

    Love & Gratitude,
    Nancy

    • Exactly right on about the childhood abuse influence.

      The tools I get the most clearing with are Meridian Tapping, VAK Re-Programming Technique, Temporal Tapping & Breathwork.

      Insight alone takes a much longer time. Obervation of the automatic coping strategies that invite manipulation are essential. But, for the fast lane to the deep emotional clearing necessary to grow beyond the issue, I heartily recommend the above.

      Wishing you many blessings and the best coaches and healers to work with.

      Warmest,
      Layne

  5. I appreciate the way you carefully distinguish between influence and manipulation. Also, you’ve given me ways to clearly identify when someone is trying to manipulate me and how to prevent it–with a firm sense of integrity.

    A very useful post!

    thank you.

    • Hi Ulrike,

      Courageous question!

      Manipulation comes down to thinking other people are the source of our good, instead of our own consciousness and our personal relationship with the “Source of All” (Spirit).

      In order to stop manipulating you would need to strengthen your personal connection to spirit. Build trust in knowing you don’t have to control others through manipulation to get your needs met.

      1.Observe the way you manipulate. (Make a list.)

      2.Systematically choose not to manipulate, one manipulation at a time.

      3.Reconstruct your consciousness around how you get your needs met. (Heal the fears you have around not getting your needs met & Belief Change work.)

      Our mini-book the New Future of Your Relationships is all about this topic. It looks like it isn’t on our site right now because we are re-designing the bookstore.

      Just send us an e-mail at paul@https://paulandlayne.com and request the New Future of Your Relationships – mini book and we’ll help you get it. It is a downloadable digital book. You can have it in a few minutes.

      Letting go of manipulation helps people feel safer and more trusting in relationships. When people manipulate they often lose sight of the long term effects around trust. It’s difficult to trust and surrender with people we manipulate. If we let our guard down and they find out how we’ve “really” been playing the relationship game with them, we fear they will reject us.

      It’s smarter to re-construct our consciousness around our needs.

      Big Hug to you,
      Layne

  6. I have been a caretaker too long
    I have been manipulated
    Yes I am easy to get along with
    I am my own person.
    Great lesson
    I am miss fix it
    Thanks for the lesson
    Looking forward to lesson 2

  7. Dear Paul and Layne,

    This is an excellent topic and article. I deal with people involved in pathological relationships or the aftermath of such relationships as a part of my business. Manipulation is a prevelant in many relationships with couples and with parents and children. Understanding contributing factors is a huge issue in understanding how to bring balance and well-being back into relationships. As we know, in some cases there is never a change; and, the one being manipulated must gain freedom through taking responsibility of escaping the prison.

    Thank you for your great service!

    Carol A. Lee Mooney MS ICCJP

    • Hi Carol — thank you for taking the time to comment.

      Like you, we deal with this dynamic frequently, as well. It is fairly epidemic, actually — and sadly. And we agree with your take on dealing with manipulation as that is what we do, also.

      Blessings — Paul

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