Relationship Savvy Dialogues

Emerging from the Dark

Have you ever had the feeling of being hungry, but you don’t know what you want? Maybe you open the cupboard or the refrigerator and look at what’s on the shelves, hoping to see something and say, “That’s it, I’ll have that!” But, you don’t find anything you really want to eat.

That’s how I have been about writing this blog post. I am hungry to communicate with you and let you know what’s been going on, yet I hardly know where to begin. Each time over the last several weeks that I have started something, I end up deleting it with the judgment that it’s just too trite or pedestrian for you to bother reading.

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written by Paul Cutright \\ tags: A Course in Miracles, change, doubt, fear, healing, heart failure, learning, lessons, transformation, trust

It has been five weeks today since my open heart surgery. I’m supposed to be walking 1.5 miles per day now to strengthen my heart and expand my lung capacity. We usually just walk around our neighborhood  in the cool of the early evening.  This morning Layne and I went up on the mountain for a walk in the woods, at about 8,000+ feet where I could definitely feel the increase in altitude from our normal 7,000 feet. My heart is healing and getting stronger.

One of the most remarkable and touching things about this experience has been the number of people from our past who have contacted us with their love and healing wishes. Many of them people who have been very important and instrumental in our lives that we have not been in touch with for more than 25 years. Yet, the felt presence of love in these communications was palpable and moving. What a gift!

The experience reminded us of the following anonymous piece of wisdom that we want to share with you.

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

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written by Paul Cutright \\ tags: healing, heart, open heart surgery, recovery

Three weeks ago today, on June 29, Paul underwent emergency open heart surgery.

Here’s what happened . . .

On Saturday, June 25, at about 9am Paul walked into the bedroom from outside and started to feel dizzy. Layne was lazily sleeping beneath the covers and raised her head to say “Good morning,” just as he suddenly fell to the floor. His body went into rigid convulsions in which he was unable to breathe as he turned blue.

Layne jumped out of bed and rushed to hold him and then quickly gave him mouth to mouth resuscitation. When he started taking faint breaths she reached for the phone and dialed 911. The woman’s voice at the end of the line coached Layne to keep Paul breathing until the ambulance arrived. Even though Paul’s eyes were open, it was clear he was not conscious of what was happening.

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written by Paul Cutright \\ tags: emergency, healing, hospital, love and support, open heart surgery, transformation, trust, uncertainty

As you may have read in the previous six posts in this series  we met and fell in love in San Francisco in 1976. Within one year we were travelling the USA leading weekend relationship trainings.

Paul & Layne - Hawaii 1980

We then settled in Hawaii for a seven year experiment in dramatic personal transformation with a group of kindred spirits.

We were the leaders of the Empyrean Community where everyone was consciously using their relationships as a path of personal evolution and spiritual awakening.

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written by Paul and Layne \\ tags: Empyrean, Hawaii, healing, Paul and Layne, Relationships, transformation

When Layne told me she was breaking up with me, I could hardly believe it. I shouldn’t have been too surprised, though. I had already been divorced twice and I was only 29, so I was used to my relationships with women not working out. I just had thought my relationship with Layne was going to be different.

What really surprised me was my response. I actually felt calm inside when she said she didn’t want to see me any more because she was committing to Gabriel. It felt strange to feel so deeply connected to her yet unattached and like I really could release her and let her go at the same time.

It was clear to me by the way I was feeling and responding to Layne’s announcement that the work I had been doing on myself the past year was truly healing my deepest fears. I reflected on how far I had come in such a short time.

Paul in 1974 Before Emotional Healing Work

I recalled my life before I came to Theta House where I met Layne.

I got married while I was still in art school. After graduation I drove a cab and built a photography studio with some buddies from school and worked for a prominent wedding photographer.

When my wife got pregnant our relationship began to deteriorate. We went into therapy that didn’t seem to do much but make me feel even more guilty and terrified than I already felt. It got so bad that we ended up on welfare and Food Stamps with a new born son. It seemed like my wife and I were fighting constantly. My self esteem and self confidence were subterranean.

I thought of myself as a spiritual person. I spent hours in metaphysical bookstores reading books on spirituality. I went to the San Francisco Zen Center to meditate. I also believed my spirituality would eventually help me resolve the pain and fear I was in, but now I was having my doubts as things went from bad to worse.

It was about this time that I learned about a personal growth center called Theta House which came highly recommended by a trusted friend. When I visited the place I liked what I saw and the people I met there. Maybe I could put aside my fear and distrust long enough to find out if they could help us.

I was intrigued by the healing and transformational processes they used there. I thought maybe they could help us since the therapy didn’t seem to be doing much good. I was looking for anything that could free us from the emotional pain and dysfunctional patterns that had us in a death grip.

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written by Paul Cutright \\ tags: healing, mentors, Paul Cutright, relationship pain, transformation