Has anything like this ever happened to you in any of your relationships?
A Simple Misunderstanding
Kevin had what he thought was a mild misunderstanding with Melissa over a missed appointment. It seemed like the issue had been resolved with an acknowledgment of no fault miscommunication and an apology from Kevin. But, Kevin didn’t feel like it was over, even though Melissa said she wasn’t really upset. Frustrated and disappointed were the words she used, but not upset.
Melissa’s smile seemed forced and it felt like there was more that she wanted to say, but Melissa insisted they forget about it and move on. Still, Kevin had an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach that made him wary of Melissa.
Emotional Incongruence
One of the hallmarks of enlightened conflict resolution is emotional authenticity. Emotional authenticity can be compromised by emotional incongruence. Often, unrecognized fears complicate what could be a direct, straightforward exchange of information.
Most of us have learned to hide our true feelings. Dropping your mask and being emotionally honest can sometimes leave you feeling vulnerable. But that is just the reason it is so disarming and why it tends to build trust and compassion.
Emotional incongruence is complex because sometimes you know you are doing it and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you may intentionally lie about your feelings in order to get the upper hand. It’s almost always a stupid move because it is so transparent. People may not notice it right away, but after they have had a chance to reflect on it, it usually dawns on them. They may not confront you on it because it is not worth the effort, but they will feel wary and simply “go polite” and keep their distance. Just like Kevin did with Melissa.
At other times, you may be out of touch with your feelings and try to fool yourself into maintaining a particular self image. Perhaps it is an image of being nice or spiritual or in control. But just beneath the surface, your fear of looking bad, or being wrong or being cast aside dictates your defensiveness. Defensiveness is almost always experienced by others as aggression, which escalates arguments. You may think you are communicating clearly, but you are sending mixed messages. Just like Melissa was.
Mixed Messages
Mixed messages are confusing. Mixed messages are crazy-making. Mixed messages are infuriating. They undermine trust and usually make conflict resolution a very difficult undertaking. In the Conscious Upset Resolution Exercise (CURE) the first thing you do is “inner work” to get to the bottom line of your own part in the upset before having a dialogue with the other person. This is very important because if you are still feeling angry or blaming, but mouthing words of reconciliation or good intent, you will be incongruent.
Invisible Carrier Wave of Emotion
The words of a conversation are transmitted on an invisible carrier wave of emotion. The emotion is more powerful than the words alone. In other words, the emotion is “louder”. Sometimes the emotion is screaming so loudly that you can’t even hear the words that are being said. Consequently, one of the worst things you can do is lie about your feelings or try to hide them. All it does is send mixed messages and makes other feel like they are standing on shaky ground, causing all manner of silent alarms and red alert signals to clamor through their energy field. There is a dreadful, unsettling feelings that comes with that “everything looks okay, why does it feel so bad, where is the danger really coming from?” feeling that usually throbs in your stomach and raises the hackles on your neck.
Just as it is easy to tell when someone is being emotionally incongruent, it can be equally difficult to know when you yourself are doing it. It can be extremely difficult for people who hold a high value for peace or kindness to be honest with themselves, or anyone else for that matter, about their darker emotions. It can generate a deep inner conflict to have “hateful” feelings when you see yourself as a “nice” person. If you have been a victim of emotional violence it can be even more difficult.
If You Want To Be Emotionally Congruent . . .
Over time, people automatically suppress feelings they judge to be “bad.” This leads to acute emotional incongruence. The thing that can be so crazy making is you can’t feel the feelings you are transmitting to others. If you want to be emotionally congruent it is vital that you recognize the importance of learning to feel safe with all your emotions. Look to see the role fear or anger has played in your life.
In the case of Kevin and Melissa, it is likely that Melissa had some old historical feelings triggered by her interaction with Kevin, of which she was unaware. And it was these unconscious feelings being unintentionally transmitted by Melissa to which Kevin was responding by feeling uneasy and like there was more she wanted to say. It is entirely possible that Melissa was being perfectly sincere in her statement that there was nothing more, simply because she was not in touch with her deeper feelings.
It is exactly for this kind of dynamic that we wrote our bestselling book, You’re Never Upset for the Reason You Think. It provides a clear roadmap through this emotionally swampy, highly charged territory and leads you to the high ground of emotional congruence.
8 responses to “Crazy Making Communication #@%&*!!”
Hi,
after 15 years I have ended my relationship. How ever much I love her, the sheer denial that something is keeping her in a constant state of survival mode (in her case freeze/deny/crazy mixed messages/emotional blackmail, punnushing by withholding intimacy/demanding/selfish/cold/not eating/alway cold/addicted to running, needs to run more and more to feel calm every day etc) that not a single book or therapy is going to help. I have used your book for myself and have never really had a problem feeling/expressing emotions but it made me see why the relationship had to end. her shipm is sinking but I don’t have to let myself be dragged down with it!
Thanks for your comment and sharing your experience, Esther. It takes courage to confront what you have confronted in your relationship and to take the kind if action you have, and to honor your relationship with yourself. Our hope is that it will lead you to deeper understanding and healthier relationships in the future.
Blessings ~ Paul & Layne
Re: Nancy
Yes I agree sharing helps so much. it’s so amazing how we can keep things to ourself and not really get over anythign or release anything..until we start sharing and realize we are not alone.
It would be helpful i guess for all of us to try to somehow accept our feelings as right, and not judge them
Any thoughts?
I follow your web site for quite a extended time and really tell that your content articles often prove to be of a high value and high quality for readers.
Hi Paul and Layne,
That is a great post – insightful and wise, as always.
In my life, expressing anger used to mean that it also included being subjected to violent outbursts (objects being thrown at/near me, threats uttered against me…), emotional/Loving deprivation (the silent treatment, shaming statements, comparisons…) and abandonment of a relationship-both physically and emotionally). When I look at that, I feel gratitude for surviving this – and compassion for the long journey of un-doing of the associations, as well as the replacement of the false beliefs about myself.
I see that people are also reacting to the way I react and that pushes their own old blueprints as well. It can get so complicated.
We all have “stuff” to work on.
I have so much compassion for the challenges we all work through in our lives – so deeply personal – but it is in the sharing that the deepest healing comes. It has been difficult to be very vulnerable about this because of times I have shared and it was used against me, deeply hurting me, so I end up doing it very gradually so I can still feel somewhat safe.
I have come to see how damaging it can be to be fearful of expressing allll my emotions. I don’t want it to rob any more than it already has, so I find what materials I can at the library to understand and make shifts. I see it as an important job because it touches so many lives and, frankly, I’d like my own children to be all of who they are….and they are so much more of who they are than I was at their age. For that, I am deeply grateful but I continue to hone this area so I can feel free-er and help others to feel good about expressing themselves as well.
Thank you for talking about this.
I’m going to ask my library to order your book. (books!!)
With much appreciation, love and gratitude.
Nancy
Thank you! I can definitely relate.
A wonderful wonderful piece above. Melissa reminds me of the archetype of a woman who says everythign is fine – “just FINE” – when of course the word fine is so loaded in this case that things are the very opposite of fine.
Could it be the some women in particular do not confront their feelings of ‘unfine’ – whatever they are becuase buried deep among them are feelings of anger and frustration and theyt were told growing up that noce girls or good girls don’t get angry and most particularly don;t went theor anger so so [pick up the message that anger is bad and through that, ager expression becomes frustrated – so the last thing that an adult woman wants to confront is frustration and anger – so everything becomes “just FINE” which is of course even more frustrating.
Dear Paul and Layne,
Just want you both to know that I am following and am deeply grateful for your Relationship Savy blogs. In the last five months five people in my life, family and friends, have moved from this world to the next. This is affecting me profoundly and highlighting how precious is life, family and friends, and every experience moment to moment.
My focus at this time is my relationship with myself which has come into a new level of core belief transformation. I find that though I have many transformational tools, I have soooo much resistance to being in this re-birth canal at this time and to using EFT and any previously helpful tools for healing.
Here is an odd one that has shown up within the tenderness of this time for me. I listen to Pandora, an Alison Kraus radio station. It amazes me that so many of the songs stimulate the core beliefs of my current healing journey, and bring tears, sometimes not for the reason one might expect.
Many many tears. During the tears I follow my thoughts to the beliefs beneath the tears. And sometimes to soul recoveries for parts I’ve been trying to bring in for many years. This is what I can do at this time.
Great thanks for sharing your experiences wisdom and humor!
Mariya