Do You Know Your Love Codes? – Part 2
Do You Know Your Love Codes?
A Community Experiment Thrives
From the start of our personal relationship, we were on a quest to reveal any barriers to a grounded, illuminating, Divine Love. In 1978 we brought this quest to our students. Over time, we observed a particular pattern of choices and predictable emotions that consistently undermine people’s ability to build trust and closeness.
It seems counter intuitive but once explained, people are stunned to realize they suffer from this pattern in their relationships. We call it The Law of Giving. It states: your reasons for giving determine the emotional future of your important relationships. The dark side of giving is sacrifice. On the bright side is the spirit of soulful generosity.
One of the ways of knowing whether the Law of Giving is working for or against you is by answering these questions:
• Do you feel unappreciated?
• Do you have a challenge saying “no” without feeling guilty?
• Do you feel challenged when others want you to “prove your love?” As in, “If you really loved me you would…”
• Have you ever had the thought, “After all I’ve done for you?”
If so, the cultural coding etched into your consciousness is working against you. For most people this is rooted in sacrifice.
Sacrifice masquerades as a virtue in our culture. We have been taught that love and sacrifice go hand in hand. Let me be clear. I am not talking about the capacity to sacrifice your personal interest for a greater good when necessary. I’m talking about the kind of sacrifice that becomes a lifestyle choice of compromising your well-being and your sovereign soulful truth.
In habitual sacrifice, its most toxic phase becomes abandonment of self – self abandonment that leaves you contracted and armored, emotionally unavailable for deep intimacy because you think you have to give yourself up to be loved by another. On the other end of the spectrum, you feel desperate to find someone to prove that you are loveable and worthy of existence.
In our experiment we declared all relationships to be a “sacrifice free zone.” The guiding principle of our community life was to be true to our unique higher self and to be true to the greater whole. It wasn’t an either/or proposition. We asked powerful questions when anyone felt like they were sacrificing.
We forced ourselves to keep asking provocative questions until we found new solutions to keep our community free from the dark side of giving.
We knew from experience that habitual, unconscious sacrificing always led to disappointment and resentment. Because we were all committed to being true to Self and true to the Whole, we couldn’t afford for anyone to be untrue to their higher truth.
Sacrifice was simply not an option. Period. To our surprise it was remarkably difficult to do, as we had all been deeply conditioned to choose one or the other: Self or Whole.
A New Loyalty to Self and the Whole
In hindsight, it reminds me of the defining conflict between Spock and Captain James T. Kirk from Star Trek. Spock’s point of view was “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one.” Captain Kirk gave merit to the idea of putting the needs of the few (or the one) first. But our community experiment affirmed that both were equally important. We are all part of the whole; what affects the part affects the whole and vice versa.
What we discovered is, if we had the means to remain faithful to our highest self, love of self deepened and naturally overflowed into authentic acts of generosity. This enlivened and matured the whole, leading to relational insights and love that fostered a rarified vessel for conscious evolution. The Law of Giving is one of eight Laws of Relationship we have distinguished. The other seven are equally intriguing.
Conscious evolution can sound ambitious and it is. In simpler terms it means, as a species, we will grow to being able to intentionally bring love and practical wisdom to some of the unsolved problems that plague us as human beings. The human capacity to coordinate enlightened action and invent new systems at all levels of society will become the norm.
That is another thing we learned – miracles become ordinary by how frequently we experience them. Can we work together to create a more fulfilling life for a greater number of us? Can we overcome this hair trigger aggression when things aren’t going our way? Might it have something to do with how we are individually and collectively coded for love? I think so.
My experience says these codes are malleable. We can change them and when we do, we can think smarter and love deeper. We can observe how our actions affect others and notice choice points we were oblivious to before. We can participate with life at a higher octave and maybe, just maybe – make the world a better place than the way we found it.
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