Use Upsets as Opportunities to
Learn Something New About Yourself
Start with the understanding that upsets are normal, especially in relationships. Not only are they normal, but they are also predictable, inevitable and recurring. That is, they will happen, and they will happen over and over again!
Why? Because most upsets are internal conflicts played out in the dynamics of relationships. Instead of being about what happens in the external world, like the price of gas at the pump, they are about your own feelings and thoughts, like "People are always taking advantage of me."
Until you address the underlying issue, you get to replay the upset, just with new circumstances. One week, it's the price of gas, and the next, it's your friend who forgets to call when she said she would. A week later, it's a mistake on your credit card statement. In other words, most upsets are an activation of unresolved pain from your past. It turns out you're never upset for the reason you think.
Focus Problem Solving on the Real Problem.
The biggest problem with believing you're upset about one thing when you're actually seething about something else is that you focus all your problem-solving in the wrong direction. If you believe you're dealing with problem X and therefore apply a solution to X, it won't help if you're truly upset about problem Y.
When you develop the skill to look deeper than the obvious and develop solutions for the real problems, you will be able to cure the source of your problems, not patch them up temporarily.
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